It's strange how being two plus years into a seperation that two people can still feel so confused and lost about the whole thing. I sometimes wonder where my ex-wife's head is in relation to the whole thing but will never ask because I'm afraid I will remind her if she's in a period of peace about it. But then some days, like today I get this in an email:
"I’m having a bad being-divorced-day today. A not-understanding-even-though-I-know day."
and I'm struck in the chest with the reality of how she is feeling. And that even though we both know it's the right thing to do, I am probably safe to assume that neither of us really want it to be happening. All I can do is apologize for pain and explain that I am feeling some of the same things.
There is so much I want to say to her, to try and help her get thru all of this, but I wait. I wait because thru the process I was accused of manipulating her, when in reality I was just trying to maintain my relationship with my son. Instead, I have started writing a letter in my head, that I will eventually put on paper and give her once the divorce is finalized.
It's hard to be seperated from someone who has been my best friend for so many years and that even though things got pretty bad I still love and want the best for, and want to be in their life everyday... so I try and block it all out and just get thru the days, weeks and months. Hoping one day it will all make sense for everyone.