On the eve of my 34th birthday I have decided to blog about where I am today in my mind. It's a moment of looking at my reflection in the mirror. Sure there are a few more wrinkles and a few more grey hairs but I think I look great for 34 (or 29+5 as some people like to refer to it).
For some reason I'm really looking forward to starting a new year. I'm very optimistic about the direction my life will take this year. I'm sure part of that is due to the fact that I'm on vacation this week and I'm leaving for NYC Thursday morning. But I think a bigger part of it is that my life is quite settled.
My divorce has been finalized, and with the exception of my ex-wife trying to increase her child support things are in a good place. She just moved into her own place and I'd almost venture to say we are almost friends again.
I have also developed strong friendships with a couple of guys and grew closer with my friend Tori. In the last year I have also walked away from a group of gay men who thrive on drama. Sure my social life has changed and even Tori thinks I have isolated myself unnecessarily, but I have come to a point in my life where I would prefer to lose friends that have friends who talk behind each other's backs and try to hard to be something they feel is admired. And walking away gave me a real sense of peace. There really does come a time where you let go, and it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and self-confidence.
My career on the other hand is in a very strange place. I have no idea where my path lies, at this point. There is a lot of turmoil in our office due to an over-abundance of work and lack of support from top management. I have held meetings with management and we had a department meeting with management and there is a lot of talk without any backing up. The staff, who have been there for many years are more frustrated than ever and some have started looking for new employment. I warned the COO specifically that we are in borderline crisis mode and if we lose one member the crisis is guaranteed. We will see what that means for my future. At this point I'm not actively looking but I will keep my options open.
My career is also unsettled because I'm considering a real path change. I have watched members on the corporate latter one step higher than myself and I see them continually be over-worked and under-appreciated and have an unhealthy work-life balance. I don't see myself in those positions and I cannot justify continuing to spend thousands of dollars in tuition to put myself in that place. I have officially decided to withdrawal from my professional designation program and take some time to look at new options.
I have been fortunate enough to travel this year. I have been to Montreal, Mexico, Toronto and this week will be travelling to NYC solo. In travelling I have also done a lot of thinking. I have put my life on hold in many ways over the last few years. I have stayed living back at "home" and have not really allowed myself to be open to dating anyone. I'm making it a resolution this year to open up and take a few risks. There are lyrics in the Maroon 5 song "How" that say
"though I don't understand the meaning of love
I do not mind if I die trying"
I think I'm willing to die trying. I've questioned whether I really believe that love is enough and I've wondered if a true love really exists. I'm no closer to the answer but I think romantically enough to be willing to spend my life trying and I know that risks being hurt.
So it's going to be another year of self-improvement mentally and physically. It's going to be a year of taking risks and truly living life. It's going to be a year of getting my life to a place I'm proud of or at least closer to my goals. I will never give up on myself.