I Am Moving 4ward

Manhattan

2011-09-04T21:07:00.002-03:00

My first trip to NYC was everything I hoped it would be, except for meeting a celebrity.

I traveled to Laguardia via Philadelphia and could not even contain my smile when I walked thru the gate into the airport. I quickly located ground transportation and opted to skip the cab and grab a bus and subway. This would give me time to sit back and take in the sights and sounds. Right off the bat my aggressive bus driver made my day by laying on the horn and making other drivers aware that he wasn't fooling around.

When I got off the subway and climbed the stairs I was in Manhattan. I immediately pulled out my camera and started shooting parking garages and fire escapes. Then I told myself I had better walk the three or four blocks and reach my accommodation and ditch my suitcase. I found the apartment and made my way to the 40th floor to meet Harry face-to-face. He was just as friendly and welcoming as my friend Peter assured me that he would be. And I immediately had a best friend in his dog Bailey.

That afternoon he gave me a quick tour of a few points of interest, including Times Square, the Library, Grand Central Station, Eataly, the Flatiron Building and we stopped in for a real NY pizza known all over the world. I was in awe and tried to memorize everything I was experiencing. We then made our way to a sports bar for a drink, which soon turned into... well I could make up a number but what's the point in that. I had a strong buzz and felt like a local. We then went back to Harry's place to change, grab another very strong drink (who knew Texans could out drink a Maritimer???) and headed out to meet up with some friends and performed an impromptu pub crawl. I think it was around 3 or 4 am when we stopped at a convenience store to buy triscuits to eat before passing out.

Friday morning I was up early with the dog and I just hung out quietly, watching out the window at the amazing views... the Statue of Liberty in the distance, the Empire State Building, the Hudson River... until finally I couldn't waste another minute. I knocked on my host's bedroom door and asked where his linen closet was so I could grab a face cloth and towel. That day, while he ran errands and worked a bit, I headed to Times Square to grab on of the double-decker tour buses. I did downtown and saw all the must-sees for a first-time traveller. I mentally made notes of places I hoped to get back to, but unfortunately didn't this time. When the tour was done, I found some lunch and sat smack-dab in the middle of Times Square and watched the world revolve around me. After lunch I walked back to Central Park and strolled thru a small fraction of the park. After the park I went into the mall, on the ground level of the Time-Warner towers and hung out charging my iPhone and keeping my eye out for two of the most popular residents of the complex, Beyonce and Jay-Z. Sadly I didn't see one person who could pass for either of them. Ha! I then made a few text messages and secured plans with Harry. I returned to homebase, had a shower and then we went out for dinner and drinks. A friend of Harry's for New Orleans joined us and then we ended up in the Meat Packing district having cocktails and living the life. That night ended around 2am.

I woke up early Saturday and headed back to Times Square to buy tourist items to bring home to the family and then met up with Harry at Vinyl for brunch. Now apparently brunch is a new concept in Manattan... who knew Nova Scotia was so far ahead socially? Bahaha. After brunch I grabbed a rental car and drove north to Mansfield Massachusetts to see the Maroon 5 concert. The concert was amazing. I literally had chills multiple times and I was able to make a fan in the nose-bleed section's day when I gave him my spare ticket to row 27, versus his "field" seating. Post-concert I drove back to Connecticut where I crashed in a hotel prior to heading to the airport and home.

It ended up only being the better part of two days in NYC, and I had questioned whether it was even worth going for that amount of time but I have no regrets. I fell in love with the city, as I'm sure most people do, and now I've done some things I won't have to do the next time I go back. And my gracious host as asked me to come back anytime. And hey with free accommodations a mere 6 blocks from Times Square how can I pass up that offer.

It was a great way to start my 34th year... and I believe it's indicative of the year I am going to have.

New Year's Resolution

2011-08-09T21:28:00.000-03:00

On the eve of my 34th birthday I have decided to blog about where I am today in my mind. It's a moment of looking at my reflection in the mirror. Sure there are a few more wrinkles and a few more grey hairs but I think I look great for 34 (or 29+5 as some people like to refer to it).

For some reason I'm really looking forward to starting a new year. I'm very optimistic about the direction my life will take this year. I'm sure part of that is due to the fact that I'm on vacation this week and I'm leaving for NYC Thursday morning. But I think a bigger part of it is that my life is quite settled.

My divorce has been finalized, and with the exception of my ex-wife trying to increase her child support things are in a good place. She just moved into her own place and I'd almost venture to say we are almost friends again.

I have also developed strong friendships with a couple of guys and grew closer with my friend Tori. In the last year I have also walked away from a group of gay men who thrive on drama. Sure my social life has changed and even Tori thinks I have isolated myself unnecessarily, but I have come to a point in my life where I would prefer to lose friends that have friends who talk behind each other's backs and try to hard to be something they feel is admired. And walking away gave me a real sense of peace. There really does come a time where you let go, and it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and self-confidence.

My career on the other hand is in a very strange place. I have no idea where my path lies, at this point. There is a lot of turmoil in our office due to an over-abundance of work and lack of support from top management. I have held meetings with management and we had a department meeting with management and there is a lot of talk without any backing up. The staff, who have been there for many years are more frustrated than ever and some have started looking for new employment. I warned the COO specifically that we are in borderline crisis mode and if we lose one member the crisis is guaranteed. We will see what that means for my future. At this point I'm not actively looking but I will keep my options open.

My career is also unsettled because I'm considering a real path change. I have watched members on the corporate latter one step higher than myself and I see them continually be over-worked and under-appreciated and have an unhealthy work-life balance. I don't see myself in those positions and I cannot justify continuing to spend thousands of dollars in tuition to put myself in that place. I have officially decided to withdrawal from my professional designation program and take some time to look at new options.

I have been fortunate enough to travel this year. I have been to Montreal, Mexico, Toronto and this week will be travelling to NYC solo. In travelling I have also done a lot of thinking. I have put my life on hold in many ways over the last few years. I have stayed living back at "home" and have not really allowed myself to be open to dating anyone. I'm making it a resolution this year to open up and take a few risks. There are lyrics in the Maroon 5 song "How" that say

"though I don't understand the meaning of love

I do not mind if I die trying"

I think I'm willing to die trying. I've questioned whether I really believe that love is enough and I've wondered if a true love really exists. I'm no closer to the answer but I think romantically enough to be willing to spend my life trying and I know that risks being hurt.

So it's going to be another year of self-improvement mentally and physically. It's going to be a year of taking risks and truly living life. It's going to be a year of getting my life to a place I'm proud of or at least closer to my goals. I will never give up on myself.

Just can't settle

2011-08-01T21:28:00.001-03:00

I don't know what's wrong with me... I have a complete inability to settle for things. I'm 33. I should be settled in my career but I'm not. To be honest there's not that much I'm overly content with in my life. What the eff is wrong with me?

I think I need a life coach.

I want to take a risk and switch careers. I want to move to a new city. I want to date. But I won't. And five years from now I'll regret not having done it now.

I have one thing holding me here in Halifax and it's a six year old sitting in front of me eating pudding and watching cartoons before bed. Well really it's my ex-wife holding me here, cause I have asked her to move so William could come with me. Haha.

PS. I know this post is unacceptably short and it's long overdue, but summer is the busiest time of the year it seems and I figure a post is better than none, and will hopefully get me back on track. After all I've got some stories to share.

Update: After posting this a few hours ago I felt it necessary to make another note.

I am someone who is okay with never settling in one sense. I NEVER want to be someone who is in a relationship where I settle at the expense of myself, just to be with someone. And I would love to achieve personal goals, which also requires I don't settle into complete routine. However, it would be great, if I could feel a bit more content in my choices in career and not always wonder if there's something better when feeling overworked and under-appreciated and there's no end in sight.

Going to Toronto Pride 2011

2011-06-26T22:54:00.000-03:00

Recently a cousin of mine moved to Toronto. He is someone I never really knew until I came out; I reached out to him via facebook in a hopes of having someone in the family to talk to. Little did I know that we would become such great friends and support to each other.

When he first talked of moving to Toronto, I was not surprised because he has the personal style that is light years ahead of our, at times, small minded city of Halifax. He begged me to go with him; take a year away from Nova Scotia and just experience life exploring a strange city. Of course I had to decline, because of my son, but I still allowed myself to dream of what it would be like to start over and be a stranger to everyone I met.

I promised I would visit him repeatedly and my first chance came in June. I messaged him and said I was watching flight prices and he suggested I come up for Toronto Pride. I didn`t hesitate. I checked dates and whether they would jive with my work load and within minutes of having management approval I booked my flight.

I will be leaving June 29th, for a right of passage a lot of gay folks want to experience: a pride that could never be duplicated in the small cities and rural areas of Canada. The first couple of nights I will spend with my sister, just visiting and maybe getting a little tipsy. Then on Canada Day I will meet up with my cousin to take in all the crazy that will be Toronto Pride 2011. I have no clue what I am in store for, but I know I`ve got stamina on the dance-floor; I have great tolerance for crowds and I can`t wait to be part of a community taking over one of the major cities of the world in celebration of just being ourselves.

Now if only I had had the self-discipline enough to work harder at the gym and avoid carbs. Ha!

Being called a DILF is a title I'm proud of... but not for all the wrong reasons

2011-06-20T00:33:00.000-03:00

Upon a few instances of chatting with guys, since coming out of the closet, I have been called a DILF. Now, we all know what that term means, so I'm not going to spell it out, but I am flattered some guys have considered me a DILF.

And just a couple weeks ago I was having a conversation with some women in our accounting office and they told a story about having gone out for drinks at the Lower Deck and a server told them they were MILFs. Initially not all of them knew what that meant, but were filled in pretty quickly. Our conversation went on to a couple of the women saying they had felt insulted by that term... and I was all... Hold up, WHAT? You were insulted? It wasn't like he called you cougars. If someone younger finds you attractive enough to think about getting up on ya (I'm so street), then you should be pretty proud that you've maintained your looks.

Now back to the term DILF. I'm proud to be called it, no matter the connotation, because I am happy I'm maintaining my looks and more importantly cause I'm a Dad.

It's the one thing in my life I'm most proud of. I'd be that Dad who has that wallet insert that rolls to the ground full of picture of my son, if I could fit one in my wallet. He makes me happy to be alive. He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. To me Father's day is a day I consider myself pretty freaking blessed. Not every man will get to experience the relationship I have and that's unfortunate. Being a parent is amazingly rewarding.

Now I know not all men are as involved, or even care to be, as I am with William. I grew up with a Dad who lacked the parenting (or even caring skills a lot of the time) that I have and if anything that makes me work that much harder to be a good Dad. You've got one chance to raise a child, so I say go all in... your wager will be well worth it.

This morning I was given a gift bag from William with items he picked out. I got a Where's Waldo book, Sour Patch kids (my favorite candy), a vampire squeeze toy, a Toy Story egg and most importantly a home made card. It's a card I will keep forever... and I'll be honest I hope even when William is my age, he still makes me home made cards.

He made the card in school the front cover says "My Dad By William", inside he drew a picture of me and says "My Dad likes to tickle me" and on the back cover it says "Me and my Dad like watching the Simpsons". Could any Hallmark card top that? NEVER!

Happy Father's Day out there to all the men who try really hard to make great memories and lead by example!

Coming out of the closet, again

2011-06-15T21:14:00.000-03:00

I'm starting to realize that there will be times in my life where I'm going to have to come out of the closet again and again. I'm not a flaming homo and I have an ex-wife and a son so people tend to assume that I'm straight. And in making that assumption people will make comments that unintentionally put me on the spot.

And that's where I am right now, at my place of work. I've been there over three months and as people learn more about me and develop friendships they say things based on the assumption that I'm 100% straight. And I feel like I MUST come out at work very soon, because I almost feel like I'm lying about who I am. And I haven't gone thru all of this struggle, to hide again.

My intention is to just pass on the fact that I'm a homo in conversation, at some point, without drawing much attention to it. It's just a fact of my life; I've dealt with it and have nothing to be ashamed of yet I don't know why I've gone this long without just spitting it out.

The office culture I work in is well varied. There is the full working age range represented in my office, and even within the group I work relatively close with. Some of the older generation's opinion, I expect will be judgmental and not understanding but that's their issue, not mine. There are also, at least two openly gay employees and having run into one of them at a local gay bar, I feel like I would rather address this rumor openly myself than have him create gossip about it. Sidenote: he was very drunk, making out and feeling up another guy while on the dance floor and didn't notice me, so it's not a current concern.

Now I just have to find a way to bring it up. I foresee two easy possibilities in the next couple of weeks: going to lunch with a coworker tomorrow, cause she wants to vent and a summer work party where drinks and dancing are involved and expected. I just hope that by the end of June I'll have succeeded in coming out of the closet again.

1 girl 5 gays

2011-06-04T20:43:00.000-03:00

There's a show on MTV Canada, which I found about a year ago online called 1 girl 5 gays which has fastly become one of my favorite shows. It is a show comprised of a female host and a panel of gay men from different facets of the community. Every week they answer "20 questions about love and sex", but in reality the show deals with many more questions than that. The panel are a group of men with a wide variety of experience and opinions and as such, it can lead to heated debates.

Some gay men look at the show as promoting the promiscuous stereotype and therefore write it off, however I love the show. So much so, that I've had correspondence with both the host and the casting director inquiring about the ability to be on the show some day. I think the men on the panel are very brave to be completely honest about their experiences and opinions because they share some very intimate details about their own lives. And while some may look at their answers and think about the negative impression it may give, I look at their answers and appreciate their honesty. If more people, both gay and straight, would be honest they would probably admit that there's a lot more promiscuity in all sexual orientations and that homos are no more apt to have multiple sexual partners than any other group.

The show also allows you to see a wider cross section of the gay community. From very feminine to very masculine guy and everything in between. From plaid shirts to deep v. From very fit to over weight. And I think anyone could watch the show and feel they are somehow represented. And I'll be honest, if I lived in TO I would want to have a drink with a few of the guys and have similar conversations.

I encourage anyone who hasn't heard of the show to watch at least one episode. Here is the most recent online.

So I met a boy

2011-05-27T19:25:00.000-03:00

So I've been single long enough that I've resorted to using technology to survey the guys in the area, in hopes of meeting someone of interest. Now I say resorted, but I am not in the least bit desperate to meet someone. I'm just finding it hard to meet people outside my current circles unless I'm drunk at a bar and I don't want someone to think I'm coming onto them in a sleezy way.

Anyway, I used an app on my phone and chat to guys here and there. I figure it's a fairly safe forum. Sure someone can steal my face pic, but when a creepy guy asks me my "position" I can easily end the conversation and if I choose block them.

On Tuesday of this week I was staying late at work (until 11pm actually... I'm stubborn but that's another story) and I noticed a guy online that I've never seen locally before. Handsome guy around 28 years old. It was later in the evening, and again, being concerned about the perception they may have of me messaging that late at night I decided against saying hi.

Then Wednesday on my lunch break I was online and he was there again. I debating saying hello but questioned what I would follow it up with, knowing nothing about the person. I've got no game apparently. Anyway, I didn't need to, it wasn't too long before he started chatting me up. Initially with the... hey, how are you... what's up... where do you work. Small, innocent chit chat. Then he said... I've got to say you're probably one of the best looking guys on here. I was kinda floored and surely had a big goofy grin across my face. I thanked him and told him I thought he was handsome also. And he said... I'm not usually this forward but would you like to hang out some evening this week.

I debated, maybe 5 seconds, that perhaps he was only looking for sex, but my curiosity won over and I accepted and told him I had some plans but I would be free around 930 or 10pm. Surprisingly that worked out well with his evening. We agreed around 10 pm.

When the time came and I was ready to leave he asked where we should meet. He was staying at a hotel downtown so I suggested meeting in Parade Square, since I wasn't comfortable with the hotel setting. He agreed and off I drove. I soon found myself standing in the centre of the square wondering if he'd really look like the person in the picture. I was pleasantly surprised. He was maybe a little shorter than I expected but handsome with a kind smile.

We decided to go to the Economy Shoe Shop for a drink and a bite to eat, since he hadn't had supper. We found a spot on the patio, ordered a couple of Strongbows and artichoke dip. And conversation flowed naturally. We discussed career, family, travel and even past relationships. It was absolutely relaxed and comfortable. I found myself very conscious of my body cues of interest. My body had naturally aligned to be directed towards him and I was sitting closer than I had started out. And I'm pretty certain he was enjoying the night as much as I was.

Upon completing our second drink he suggest we take off. He asked if I wanted to stop in to his room for a minute before heading home. I did, unsure of his intentions and to be honest unsure if I had any of my own.

Soon we were just casually laying on the bed next to each other watching CNN and talking. It all felt remarkably comfortable. And after a while he kissed me. It was very sweet actually; not obscene in any way. And other than some snuggling and him pretty much falling asleep against my chest, nothing happened.

I got up to leave and on my way out gave him my phone number and told him I hoped he would use it the next day, because I'd like to see him again. And he said he certainly would. I walked down the hall wondering what just happened. Cause I'm never one to be direct enough to let someone know my feelings from the start.

The next morning I got a great text and a facebook friend request. Although we didn't get to see each other again, because he had an exam and interviews, before heading home to another province, he agreed that he would definitely see me again and was returning to Halifax in early June.

It's strange but I feel like there's something about this guy. It could totally be that I'm ready for a relationship... but I believe it's more. He's someone who is unlike any other gay guy I've met so far and I'm really hoping I get to see him again soon.

Up to you universe... work your magic!

Open Relationship

2011-05-18T22:15:00.000-03:00

The longer I'm part of the open gay community I learn that it's very common for gay couples to have an open relationship. There are varying degrees of openness... from completely open, to vacation open to third party open. Now those aren't official titles to the types of relationships gay men can share, but more my own spin on things.

Completely open is where both men in the relationship allow each partner to have sexual encounters with whomever they choose. Vacation open is where a couple (at least claims) to be monogamous except when on vacation out of their home town. When on vacation the will either seek sexual rendezvous separately or together with complete strangers in a new pool of gay men. And third party open is when a couple will welcome a third into their bedroom on a regular basis, but won't fool around with anyone else without the partner being present. They don't consider any of these experiences as cheating.

The fact that it's so common worries me. I'm not sure that I can be in a committed relationship when a third party would be involved to any degree. I know my therapist told me that I need to accept the distinction between love and sex... and in the big picture I can easily do that. I know that we don't love everyone we have sex with, but when I'm in a relationship I don't know that I could watch someone I love being so into someone else. Surely, somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind a part of me will become jealous. Jealous that I cannot provide whatever is lacking in my relationship or sex-life that is being fulfilled by this third person.

Maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe these men who partake in such relationships are light-years ahead socially and are able to compartmentalize experiences and just enjoy the excitement of the moment. And this could be the secret to their success in maintaining a relationship in the long term... because it really is just sex.

I clearly have a lot to learn... but I've got lots of time to dig into my thoughts on it since I haven't even been on a date in ... I don't even remember how long. But that is by choice... I've gotten a few offers.

I'd do just about anything right now...

2011-05-16T22:52:00.002-03:00

It's true... I'd do just about anything right now to have someone to snuggle into bed with right now. It's cold and I'm lonely. If there was someone laying in bed right now I'd be asleep in seconds.

I'd do just about anything right now...

2011-05-16T22:52:00.000-03:00

It's true... I'd do just about anything right now to have someone to snuggle into bed with right now. It's cold and I'm lonely. If there was someone laying in bed right now I'd be asleep in seconds.

Facebook crush is now a facebook friend

2011-05-13T21:09:00.000-03:00

So I accepted the dares and sent a facebook friend request. I waited until after Mother's day because I had a family vacation pic, from Mexico, and I didn't want him to flat out think I was straight. Bahahaha... probably one of the first times in life I wanted someone's first impression of me to be a gay man.

So I posted this iPhone self-portrait...

cause it's just an everyday pic of me really.

And within probably 12 hours I had a new friend. To say that I instantly got a huge smile on my face was an understatement. Not because I'm delusional and think that there's any sort of mutual attraction, but because the dare and subsequent risk paid off.

I emailed Jody and she gave me a few words of inspiration "You never know what might happen if you don't take a chance. We often don't regret the things we do, it's the things we don't that leave us wondering 'what if'"

And so I took a bit of time to draft an email that explained the reason he got my request... but without (hopefully) sounding psycho. I left out the crush part. And kind of asked him to look me up next time he's in town, in a passive way.

He replied almost instantly, thanking me for the explanation and telling me to let him know if I ever make it to Montreal. And strangely, or maybe a little fate could be intervening, a couple of days ago my cousin asked me to drive with him to TO when he moves at the end of the month and we planned on staying in Montreal one night to live it up. Now I guess I might get to at least have a coffee if he's not tied up.

Better book a camp site

2011-05-11T23:06:00.000-03:00

In probably February or March William mentioned that he wanted to go camping. It's something we had done at the end of the summer 2009 with my sister and some friends. And we were even lucky enough to have my Mom and an Aunt swing by for an evening to enjoy supper and the camp fire.

And being the Dad that I am, I decide sure, why not camp on a weekend my son wants to? It may be winter but sometimes by just making a few adjustments you can make some great memories and that's exactly what I did.

While William was watching tv I went downstairs and grabbed the four man tent and a couple sleeping bags. It was a VERY tight squeeze but I managed to set up a camp site in the living room and we made believe we were outdoors. Even adjusting my nightly ritual to adjust a saying to suit our wilderness surroundings. "Nighty night... don't let the black bear bite."

William thought it was great and it really took no effort at all... and I have no doubt when he's a Dad some day he'll think back on that memory and realize that it's the little things that can have the biggest impact.

There was one residual part of that camping trip that has yet to go away and that's the sleeping bag. William has slept in it every night he's stayed here since. Sure he may, on occasion, slip off his bed onto the floor thru the night (which is very worrisome to me), but he's happy and he's still using him imagination to pretend he's camping.

This summer we'll have to make sure we get at least one weekend in...

What am I? A 15 year old girl?

2011-05-04T23:01:00.001-03:00

It's that time of the year when animal instincts take over and people start hooking up like they're the only one in the world responsible for the survival of the species. Around these parts two couples have broken up recently and from accounts of last Saturday night there was a lot of hook up activity going on in Halifax.

Me on the other hand? I'm like that 15 year old insecure girl. I spent my weekend with a sick little boy at home watching reality television and checking out homes on MLS, trying to keep my financial goals in check. Oh right, the 15 year old girl part... I've become the expert at having facebook crushes. And my favorite are those guys who leave albums open so I can get multiple looks at friends of friends... or even just friends in one case.

Anyway, today, while checking out the guest list of an upcoming gathering (that one of the recently broken up gents is throwing Friday night) I noticed one person has declined the event. Since he was cute I decided to check out his profile. Turns out that I quasi know this guy. Well in reality I don't know him at all, but we have multiple friends in common, and he attended a rival high school. And oddly enough, a couple of summers ago, while partying in Montreal with a cousin and some friends I saw him at a gay bar. We had one of those awkward moments where you lock eyes and realize you recognize each other but not sure where. And being that 15 year old girl, I'd never be brave enough to have said hello.

And in order to emphasize my immaturity, I emailed a common friend, who lives in London, England to confirm he went to that rival high school and she actually encouraged me to contact him... which I would never do. Instead I'll just check out his profile pics a few more times over the next week and try and move on. Hahahahaha.

That being said, if your name is Andrew and you some how found this blog, please contact me... I'm all over having a conversation.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

2011-04-18T21:37:00.000-03:00

I had an interaction recently with a friend that seemed very awkward. Initially I wasn't quite sure why things felt that way. The conversation wasn't forced and followed a logical path, however the body language was off enough for me to pick up on it. I tried to blow it off on the fact we haven't hung out in a while.

That all changed when I rounded a corner and saw a formal friend. It became obvious to me that the awkward interaction was due to him hoping I would not realize his true reason for being in the place at the time. A place no where near where he lives.

Two things crossed my mind, did he have the odd body language because he was hoping to control the situation so this other person wouldn't see our friendly interaction? Or was he almost caught visiting this formal friend inappropriately?

The friend I spoke with has a boyfriend and they've been together for some time. I'm not implying that he'd cheat but I do know they, at least, on occasion invite a third person into their bedroom. I don't judge that choice but I also don't endorse it. I'm clearly not one to judge because I'm not in their relationship and I'm not successful at romantic relationships to date.

The former friend, however, is a known cheater. He seems like a catch from the outside but I know parts of his past that have a shady track-record. It's ultimately the reason I had to end the friendship because the over-spilling drama was starting to be too much for me to handle when I was being questioned on past conversations I supposedly shared.

This former friend has a relatively new boyfriend, so I find it hard to believe he'd cheat on him, but this questionable private interactions make me wonder if one can ever really live outside a triangle once they are involved in them repeatedly.

Once a cheater, always a cheater??

The many faces of one child

2011-04-04T22:38:00.000-03:00

Sometimes I can look at my son and see myself as a 6 year old child... other times he looks like a cousin from his Mom's side of the family. This pic I see a lot of my sister... it's funny how someone can look like so many different people and yet be totally his own person.

William on his own

2011-04-04T00:10:00.000-03:00

Last Thursday there was an assembly held at William's school. Those parents of children in the school who had been a Star of the Week in the last month were invited to attend, so I took an extended lunch hour and went to participate.

Upon reaching the school I noticed the children were still outside playing, during their lunch hour. I immediately noticed William sitting on a park bench with a couple of other boys. I was tempted to immediately go over and say hello, but instead took the opportunity to see William interact as an individual. I watched him play with his friends, and even pick up garbage and dispose of it (hopefully that's a sign that we are raising an environmentally responsible boy).

I went inside the school, signed in as a visitor and went to his classroom to wait for the bell to ring. When he came in he noticed me right away, so I explained why I was there (since he had not been with me that morning) and then made my way to the gym while the kids were ushered into class preparing for the assembly.

I sat on the side bench with the other adults and watched the kids come in. Again I was taken back by the individual William is. I know it might sound like I never pay attention to him when he's with me, but what I mean is that I felt like I had a sneak peak at who William is as a fully independent person. School is his world. The friends and interactions he has there are all his own; we don't have active influence on his relationships. I was proud to see him confident and more outgoing than I've seen him at other times in his life. It was a very proud moment for me.

Also, that day I noticed him and a couple guys on the bench I wondered if perhaps they were there when the got in trouble. On Friday when I picked him up after work I asked him if the bench was used as a time out if someone was in trouble and he said they were. I then asked if that's why he and the other boys were sitting there and his face went blank. BUSTED! I told him he wasn't in trouble but I was just curious and he wouldn't talk. I'm hoping that he will always be as obvious when he tells lies or caught at something, but we all know that will not be a long-lasting reality.

Found: One early-thirties guy with his shit together

2011-03-27T21:43:00.000-03:00

It's been almost three years since I came out and my life crumbled before my eyes. And on March 11th my divorce became final. That chapter of my life is officially over according to a few pieces of paper and thousands of dollars.

I feared the day it all became final because I thought it would throw me for a tail-spin, even though I knew the day was coming. But when my ex-wife mentioned to me that it was finalized I was saddened but there was also a sense of having been desensitized to the reality because we've been living apart for so long.

The road has been a long one to get to today but one thing I gained from all of this pain and loneliness is that I have truly found myself. This period of time, being a single adult man has given me a true sense of self and clarity that I don't think I have ever had.

I was known to most people as part of a couple for half my life. I was the type of guy who fit into a mold and followed the logical path in life and never wanted to inconvenience anyone else. Then one day I wasn't someone who followed the life path that so many take. I struggled with my own identity and had to fight for the rights to even see my son on regular schedule.

And in walking this new path, I had to develop my own new community. I had to find new friends and develop a support system. And I had to be okay with sleeping alone, in an empty house and eat meals by myself. The silence was deafening and I'm sure I showed signs of depression.

I was lucky to find a few key people who have given me tools to be okay. One of those people was a guy named Jake who introduced me to hot yoga. Hot yoga has become a way for me to escape the outside world and focus simply on breath and heartbeat and I leave the studio feeling renewed and with a sense of peace. I know it sounds clichéd but it's true.

Time has also been a vehicle that has helped me gain some clarity. I know I'm a good person. I know I have a lot to offer anyone I have a relationship with. And I'm completely capable of being a single man. I've always been a man who cooked and cleaned, but I can now say that I'm a man who has created a comfortable home for my son. And this passing of time has allowed me to transition from fearing my days/weekends without William to someone who made the most of that time by catching up on chores that may have slipped, catching up with friends, or spending a Friday night being lazy on the couch because the 5:45 wake up times had caught up to me. It's okay to be alone; I'm independent and perhaps that is a trait that my son will notice and incorporate into his own development.

Three years ago I don't think I would predict that I would be where I am right now. I think I would have predicted that I'd still be struggling to find a new equilibrium, but I'm happy to say I survived and came out the other side knowing myself better than I ever have. I have a strength inside me that I underestimated and although I don't want to be single forever, I know it's okay. And I've set certain standards for myself in hopes of never losing myself again.

Sure I still have some work to do but I know I will be okay.

I can handle it

2011-03-05T20:09:00.000-04:00

Well I've survived the first week at my new job and I love it. I'm working in tower 1 of Purdy's Wharf, which are landmark buildings on the waterfront of Halifax. Just walking thru the pedways on the way to the office makes me excited to work there. I love walking amongst the business suits heading to work with their coffee in hand. It's strange but I feel like this is what I expected to experience after graduating with my commerce degree. I thought I would be around people with high-power careers not working in an industrial park like my last stint. And not that I have any issue with working in an office out of the downtown core, but the feeling I have just walking to work is one I expected after forking out tens of thousands of dollars to Dalhousie University.

The office itself has about 70 employees and I've met most of the staff, other than the majority of the lawyers. The staff are all very friendly and seemed to look forward to working with me. The position I hold is Financial Analyst and it's a newly created position. That means a couple of things: initially the duties I have are not completely settled and more importantly it gives me a great opportunity to develop the position and responsibilities into a career I will love to excel at. And just thru speaking with the women currently working in the accounting department I feel like there is a lot of opportunities for me to improve functionality and efficiency within the office. My major hurdle, I believe will be gaining their acceptance in changing things they have done for years; but I've turned on the charm and hope my shining (you can laugh) personality will help gain their respect enough to be accepting of my suggestions.

I'm also very much looking forward to digging into this position because I'm surrounded by people who are eager to excel in their careers and that feeling is contagious. I haven't felt the excitement of climbing the corporate ladder since I started working at GMAC while in uni. It truly is a new beginning to my career and exactly what I needed in my life.

I know my feelings for the position are not going to stay this way forever; that the dust will settle and some Mondays I will have to drag myself from bed to get to work. But for now I'm going to live in the moment of excitement because it's giving my life a positive direction I desperately needed.

Who will end up together?

2011-02-28T23:39:00.000-04:00

Since I've come out I've made quite a few gay friends and over the last few months I have distanced myself quite a bit from socializing as frequently as I was. And while I've had more time away from the group, I have watched the dynamics of relationships change within the circle and many times it's been hard for me to bite my tongue. I like everyone to be treated with respect and when that doesn't happen, and no one else is willing to call someone out it is especially annoying to me. But I've tried to mind my business.

At times I look at friends and wonder whether or not I could date them, or ultimately end up in a long term relationship with any of them. I think it's probably a natural thing to do... and if not I like to think it's cause I'm lonely and not cause I'm creepy. Ha!

Anyway I've come to identify a couple of friends I think would ultimately make a great couple, but one is dating someone else. We'll see if perhaps maybe the two guys who will be sharing a room in Cuba this year, will end up as a couple a few years down the road.

And then there are two couples that have very happy and healthy relationships, at least from the outside. These men give me hope that it's possible to find someone who can complete me and that I don't have to settle. But again, I wonder whether or not those two couples will stand the test of time. Or will life change them and distance may make them seek other paths?

Part of me wishes I could fast forward and find out. And I'll be honest with myself and say that part of that wonder comes from the fact that I may have an interest in one member of each group... only a harmless crush that I would never act on, but perhaps I'm just allowing myself to hold out hope by wondering what the future holds.

Ah... the life of a single man with date-able friends.

I'm off the market!

2011-02-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

It's official. After three plus weeks of being unemployed I have officially received a job offer and I can't quite wipe the smile off my face.

I had applied for a position of Financial Analyst in early to mid-January that had a closing date of January 20th. I had given up hope that I had a shot since I had not heard anything but then almost two weeks ago I got a call about the position asking what my required salary range was. We all know how I feel about that question! I gave them my goal salary, which was above my ending salary at my last job and was told I was within their range and that someone would contact me the next week. Then last Tuesday I got a call requesting an interview for Wednesday; I accepted and rushed home to re-read the posting to see what the duties would be. I then decided to do a bit of company research and go thru a matching exercise between my achievements and their requirements trying to predict their questions.

Upon walking into the firm on Wednesday morning, looking pretty fly in my suit if I must say so myself, I was completely impressed. This firm is beautiful and I felt a twinge of being out of my league but then shook my head and refocused. I waited for the HR manager to arrive. She soon ushered me into a boardroom overlooking the water, where we were joined by the COO and the director of finance. I decided to ignore their titles and just be myself.

I got thru the interview, asked a few questions and left the office convinced that this was the job I wanted. I walked back to my car re-hashing the questions/responses and whether there was anything I would change... and other than potentially inserting some humor I was satisfied. I told myself I would just stay positive and see what happens.

By this morning, I had actually given up hope since it's been almost a week. But then, while playing a board game with William my phone rang and I recognized the phone number. It was the HR manager seeking my references. I emailed them over to her, and within a couple of hours I had confirmation from two of those references that they had spoken with her already. I was trying to hold back excitement because I could still be up against other candidates. And then my phone rang... I was officially being offered the position. At my asking salary, with full benefits from day one. I tried to hide my excitement and got thru the call making a few notes and awaited my formal offer to arrive via email.

So here I go... feeling slightly intimidated but excited for the challenge. Monday will be day one!

Someone in my bed

2011-02-17T00:08:00.000-04:00

Today I expected my Mom to come into the city, but with road conditions not being the best because of blowing snow, she decided to wait until tomorrow. She's coming to the city for William's 6th birthday and will stay until Sunday. I had mentally prepared myself for her arrival: planning on making Chicken stir-fry, heading to yoga in the afternoon and that we'd relax and watch tv in the evening. Since the plan changed so did my day. I had a nap in the afternoon, went birthday shopping, had leftovers for supper, studied most of the evening and took the 9pm hot yoga class. I found myself avoiding staying home because with the change in plans I found myself very lonely.

It's funny how something as simple as that can change how I feel about my independence. I'm used to living alone but sometimes it really gets to me. And I often have the thought that I wish there was someone in my bed. And not for any reason sexual, but just to snuggle into, or to hear breath, or to have unspoken companionship. I guess I should dig out the body pillow and create a lump in the bed next to me. Haha!

Overtime

2011-02-10T21:52:00.000-04:00

Sidenote: Wow... I've been away for a while now, eh? It's funny how once you're unemployed you don't have enough time in the day to accomplish everything you want to. How did I ever fit work in?

I'm in my second week of unemployment and this week I got a call for a staff accountant job position I had applied for in mid-January. It's in the energy industry which should have a fairly good chance of being a stable industry so I accepted the offer for an interview. And during the interview process two of the topics I hate to discuss during an interview came up: salary expectations and overtime.

The question of salary expectations came up during the initial phone call and again during the panel interview. In both instances I gave them a dollar figure. By giving them my expectation on the phone call I feel it already puts a limit on how well I can do during an interview, because they are already biased based on their budgetary constraints. And then to ask again during the interview just confused me. Were they hoping that I was going to change my mind? Were they hoping I had been intimidated by some questions and the scope of the position so they hoped I would drop my expectation?

The other question I hate is whether I'm willing to work overtime. To me there is no option to how this question can be answered, and if I bombed the interview this would be the point. I hesitated to answer for a moment and in watching faces I feel like this was not completely acceptable. Now I am one who tries to leave work on time everyday, but I am a dedicated employee and if something has a deadline I will stay to meet that deadline. But at the same time, I also have a life outside of work.

Towards the end of the interview I brought overtime back up and explained that I wanted to discuss it further. I explained that I have no issue working overtime at those times like month-end or year-end when deadlines are tight, but that if the job required overtime on a daily basis then this wasn't the position for me, because I am a dedicated father also. The head of HR stepped in and explained their stance on work-life balance and that family is very important, but then she went on to explain a practice that is becoming all to familiar in Canada.

She told me that many woman, specifically, will take a laptop home with them and after they put their kids to bed they will work for an hour or two... Um, WHAT? This is acceptable work-life balance? I agree the flexibility to have a laptop to work from home is a great thing, but for it to be regular practice for someone to put their kids to bed and then go back to work is no work-life balance. This is a clear sign that a company is understaffed. Regular overtime is a sign of inefficiency or an unacceptable workload.

So now I'm at a crossroads in my mind. I haven't received a second interview request yet, but they did ask for my references and whether I had any vacation plans in the next few months, which lean towards them considering me as a real candidate. If I do get that call I'm going to have to ask some real questions to decide whether I will be a good fit for this company. Or if maybe I continue in the process and if I attain the position work there until I can secure another job.

Oh this whole game causes the mind to race...

It's the small things that can get you thru

2011-01-26T12:57:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I get wrapped up in life and my mind runs non-stop with things (like pending unemployment) and it seems to be all I talk about. But then there's this other side of my life where I notice all these little things that occur that make me slow down and realize what I have. Since I'm looking at an open future right now I thought it might be nice, for a change, to jot down a few things that make me smile.

When I carry William out of the tub, to his bedroom to have cream rubbed on his overly sensitive skin and then pjs we ALWAYS pause at the mirror and look at each other... and maybe make a funny face. I have done this with EVERY SINGLE bath I have given him.
When William crawls into bed early in the morning, or midway thru the night he has to snuggle in. And he's not content or settled unless he's sharing my pillow and has an arm wrapped around my neck.
When driving in the car, I sometimes try to scare William by sliding my arm between my seat and the door to grab his leg. And he always catches on, without changing the look on his face, and blocks my hand with his foot within a few seconds.
William's favorite Christmas gift wasn't the Nintendo Wii that Santa brought to his Mom's house, but the Buzz Lightyear Trouble (board) game Santa brought to my house. And we play it non-stop.
I like that when my Sister and I are about to hang up from talking on the phone we now tell each other we love each other. Even though there's provinces between us now I think we're closer than we've been since probably high school.
I love to watch William and my Mom (Gramma) interact. William is closer to my Mom than I was with any of my Grandparents, and I like to think I was pretty close with my Grandparents. I also am glad that William remembers my Grammie and will often make comments about characters in a book or on a tv show resembling her.
It makes me proud that William is an avid learner. He's constantly sounding out words, trying to read signs or even point out patterns. And even when he has homework he's excited to do it. I know it's early but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I'm sure I could come up with a million other little things that make my day... sometimes you just need to focus on those and know everything else will fall into place.

The ugly side

2011-01-24T00:19:00.000-04:00

As far as parenting William goes, he's been a dream child. I hear stories from coworkers, friends and other family members and I cannot believe that things can really get that out of control. Usually, I tend to look at the parent and wonder if it's their behavior that makes their child act out of control, or whether that person is just a complainer (because that's a disease that my generation has become infected with).

Two prime examples are when people talk about the terrible twos or how out of control their children behave when they eat chocolate. Really two years old was an amazing year and each year gets better. And as far as chocolate or soda goes I never see abnormal behavior after William (or any child) consumes those.

The fifth year of William's life has brought out an ugly side that Jaime and I are left unsure how to handle. William has turned into a child that is pushing boundaries in one area: he doesn't want to participate in organized activities. The two examples which have been the most difficult have been softball and swimming lessons. Wish soft ball the season's first practices started out okay. He was excited, made hits and ran the bases, but then something changed. He became aware that everyone was watching him and he no longer wanted to even go on the field. We tried making him sit thru all the innings with his team on the bench and watch, even if he wouldn't participate, but we soon gave into the fights thinking perhaps he just didn't really like soft ball.

When school started we had some hesitation with him being excited to start but it all changed and he's excelled in school and looks forward to going everyday. We thought perhaps it was just soft ball and wrote it off.

And now William is registered in swimming lessons. He was in them when he was younger, but they were parent/tot classes and really didn't get anything out of them, other than being in a pool on a weekly basis. I have taken him swimming quite regularly over the years since, but I decided this year I had to enroll him again because swimming is truly survival knowledge. I would be somewhat failing as a parent to not give him this basic knowledge.

Since it had been a couple of months since William and I had been in the exact pool that he would have lessons in I took him to an open swim for three hours the day before his first lesson. He realized that he had grown enough to touch thru all areas of the pool and that gave him a lot of confidence. The next morning however he didn't want to get into the water. His insecurity over-ruled any reasoning that I presented. I told his teacher to continue the class without him and made him sit on the edge of the pool and watch his two other classmates as they went thru the lesson. After class was over I went over what they had done in class and asked him what he had been afraid of and there wasn't anything. He left promising that the next time he would get in.

This week we went back to the open swim all Saturday afternoon. We did most of the same things that were covered in the previous lesson and he seemed good to go. I even put him in a life jacket for a portion of the swim to know what it felt like to have no dependence on me in any capacity in the pool. He was so proud of himself and said he'd be in the pool the next morning. Sadly, this morning was the same old story. He had tears streaming down his cheeks and was very silent. I had to again tell the instructor to continue without him and told William that I was disappointed and forced him to sit on the edge of the water while I went back with the other parents. And for about 20 minutes a different instructor came over and talked with him trying to coax him into joining the class. It was a no go.

I'm at a loss. I remember what it was like to be the child who was paralyzed with insecurity and didn't want to participate. But I don't want William to be that child. This behavior held me back in many areas of life. He deserves better and as parents we need to help him overcome this hurdle. But how? I don't think it's really something he should be punished for, because it's really an emotional response for him and not behavioral. And I don't want to offer rewards, because that is just setting us up for years of problems having him do anything. So what option do we have?

How do you get your child to grow up with confidence and willing to go outside their comfort zone?

Headhunter

2011-01-21T09:37:00.000-04:00

One week from today will be my last day of work at ING. I am both looking forward to that day and slightly dreading it. I am looking forward to it because I have reached the point where I find it hard to maintain my commitment to the company. Not that I am not working, but I find it hard to justify working my ass off and staying late, when the door has been shut on me. I'm dreading it because I have made some great friends here and I have still not secured my next job.

I spent a couple of sleepless nights budgeting my severance funds in my head. Making sure I'd have enough cash to make my car payments, insurance premiums, RESP payments, etc until I am again gainfully employed. I wish I was one of those lucky souls who is debt free but it's an unfortunate reality that divorce has taken a definite toll on my finances and my final "pre-bill" was in the multiple thousands of dollars. I disputed the charges and have yet to hear back. I'm hoping they will show some mercy.

A couple of weeks ago I forwarded an email, including my resume, to a headhunter here in Halifax. It's a group that do a lot of staffing for accountant positions. I had hoped to attain something on my own but since time is running out I figured I had better use all of the tools available to me and forward the information.

This Monday past, I met with the headhunter and we discussed my past experience in detail, salary expectations, industries I may be interested in working in, whether or not I would consider contract positions; all things I expected. The woman, unfortunately, doesn't have much of a social personality, and I found that really hard to understand. I would think that someone in her position would be very social; isn't that how she sells her clients? I realized that when I was answering her questions I was talking for long periods of time and she would tune out at a certain point in my response. I guess she just wanted the direct answer and not much background. I also found it discouraging when she told me I was expecting the high end of the salary range for my experience. This is hard for me to understand because when I took this job I took a fairly large pay cut, but I weighed out my being content at work versus cash and happiness won. I didn't regret it, but at the same time I'm making about the same salary I was making at 26. I'm 33 and feel like based on performance reviews, education and experience that I shouldn't have to again expect a pay cut just to fit into an organizations budgetary constraints. We'll see how that battle goes.

And on Tuesday I went back to the office of the headhunter to write a test. I'm guessing it's a placement test and was 35 multiple choice questions in 30 minutes. I did very well on the test, which was a huge relief, since I'm sure that would have an effect on the types of jobs she will forward my resume for.

So here I am, 6 working days (including today) until I'm unemployed for the first time since I was 18. My severance package is generous so I could afford to be off until probably April before I have to cut into my RRSPs. And I'm slightly terrified. The unknown has always been a huge fear. If I knew I would be unemployed for the month of February I could handle that. But this unknown factor is playing tricks on my brain. I know I'm employable. I'm a fast learner, socially capable and have spent tens of thousands of dollars educating myself. I just need to get an interview. Once I'm in an interview I'm completely comfortable and can sell myself.

Just waiting for the big break!

Disposable friend

2011-01-12T23:56:00.000-04:00

It's funny how a person or group of people can make me, at 33 year old man, turn into an insecure 14 year old. What is it about someone that can make me lose my confidence? And I have allowed those moments effect my thinking enough that I consider avoiding interactions with those people.

I don't know if it's because I grew up never feeling like I ever truly fit in. Or that I was made to feel like the disposable friend many times over the years. I thought all the work I have done on myself over the last few years have reduced the importance I used to place on fitting in and allowed me to move forward with little concern about other's opinions of me. I guess old habits are hard to break.

But since we're in 2011, I have made a strong commitment to myself to reach my potential in all aspects of my life. I'm not going to avoid situations that may initially be uncomfortable, instead I'm going to embrace them as new challenges for me to over come. This weekend will be one of those challenges, a close friend's birthday party.

Coincidentally, I received a phone call around 9:30 Monday night from a friend I haven't seen since Hallowe'en. He's someone I've gotten to know over the last couple of years and someone who has turned to me for help on a couple of occasions. I respect his determination in life and admire him for, at times, walking to the beat of his own drum. His call was solely to find out where I've been lately; that he's noticed my drifting away from the group. He wasn't looking for cause or gossip, just wanted to know everything was okay and show genuine care for our friendship. As if I didn't respect him enough already, he's gone ahead and boosted my confidence without even knowing it. He reinforced the thinking I've been trying to foster when I'm feeling insecure; that most of it is my own mental game and that people do value my friendship.

Perhaps I'm not disposable. This year I'm starting to believe it.

Hey Jude

2011-01-06T23:16:00.000-04:00

I try not to talk about this too much on here, because I don't want to sound like a broken record but I miss my wife. I will never get over her. She was my absolute best friend and I ache to have her back in my life on a daily basis.

I know people say that in time we will be able to develop a friendship again, and I'll admit that things are much easier now then they were in the fall of 2008. But ever day we're not friends is a day I feel is wasted.

And what brought on this outburst of thought? The Beatles. I was on iTunes fully expecting to purchase the red album but Jaime and I spent so many hours listening to the Beatles that I don't think I can ever listen to a Beatles song without remembering our amazing road trips.

I love her and always will. A part of my heart will always be missing because I no longer live a life with her.

Something big this way comes??

2011-01-06T18:04:00.000-04:00

Well the end of employment is now in sight and I've reached that stage I knew I would reach. That stage where I can't get to sleep at night because I'm worried about money. I lay with my eyes closed thinking about how many weeks I will be able to afford to go without a pay cheque. How many car payments? How many cell bills? Should I cancel my gym membership? Should I put William's RESP on hold?

It's a terrible time of the year to be looking for a job... at least that's what I've been told a few times by and employment counselor that has been assigned to our office. And he actually had the nerve to tell me to just take any job and then look for something else when I secure something. Is that what employment counselors get paid to tell you? I thought that he would suggest ways to research employment opportunities that would stimulate me. Help me find headhunters that would increase my odds of becoming gainfully employed. That I should make the best of an awful situation and try and improve my position. Nope. Thankfully I'm not paying him.

Today I decided to submit my resume to a placement agency that specializes in the accounting industry. I have heard some good things and some bad things, but lets face it... a job is better than none.

I'm also holding out hope that a Collections Officer position that I applied for with the province will at least result in an interview. The pay would be comparable and it would get my foot in the door and possibly lead to opportunities that are far more stimulating to me than month end accruals.

Who knows what the next few months will bring... I just wish I at least knew how long I would be unemployed so I could budget accordingly cause this lack of sleep is cramping my style.

Imma own this one!

2011-01-03T21:21:00.000-04:00

I'll look back on 2010 as a year I learned many great lessons. It was a year that I realized that I could make friends without the help of anyone, that given time people always show their true colors, that if I hold certain expectations of others then I will probably be disappointed, that being single was something I was okay with, and that eating cleaner can do some amazing things to your body.

My 2010 did not end on the highest note, however I count my blessings because most of the things which were negatives were trivial.

I lost my job towards the end of the year and still haven't been able to secure my next posting. I can feel the stress building within me but I'm trying to stay positive. I believe things happen for a reason and have to trust it was for the best.

In the spring of 2010 I lost one of my best friends. Well I guess I didn't lose him, but instead asked him to leave my life. Sadly, there was some actions going on behind my back that made me realize that I was being played for a fool and I only take things so long. The spring was the straw that broke the camel's back and I made it clear that I wouldn't be walked over any longer. Because of that choice, that friend then campaigned with my circle of friends to get deep into the circle and push me out. He's pretty much succeeded and it culminated this fall. I took it personally and it still hurts, if I'm being completely honest. But over the last couple of months I realized that I'm not responsible for the actions of others, that I cannot control what others say about me and that I truly don't have to try and defend myself to anyone. If any of my friends believe the lies told about me and/or don't have the respect enough for me to talk to me about it, then I really don't need them in my life any longer either. It's a sad reality but one lesson I'm happy I learned.

I look to 2011 with a lot of promise. Things are going to look up and very quickly, I have no doubt. I will find a new career path and am looking forward to a new challenge. If I had the option I wouldn't even finish out the month because perhaps the pressure of being unemployed will kick my drive into gear.

I also have two trips on the horizon. My family is going somewhere tropical (probably Cuba) in April. We've talked about it for the better part of a year and I have already started saving for William's portion of the trip. I love the beach and to spend a week in the sand and warm waters with my family is going to be a dream come true. The other trip is to Vancouver. I've never been to the west coast of Canada yet and it's on my bucket list, so when I got an invite to a July wedding in the city I pretty much committed to being there. I just need to know I'll be employed and then I'm booking my flight.

And based on the crazy times I had with friends this year, I have no doubt 2011 will also bring adventure. I realize that life is short and although I have big strides planned for my financial position, with proper planning and budgeting I hope this year will be one of the best so far. I have new friends and memories to make and after a few months of rebuilding strength and enhancing my confidence I have no doubt I will own this year.

Happy New Year Everyone!

A mover and a shaker

2011-01-02T21:53:00.000-04:00

On boxing day we went to visit at a friend's house... the music was pumping and everyone got into the groove...

And since every moment in life is a learning experience... I took the time to notice how convenient it would be if I drink and dance in feety pjs... that way when you crash it doesn't matter... you're set for sleep.

A lotta Christmas spirit for ya

2010-12-22T11:52:00.000-04:00

I read the Bloggess on a semi-regular basis; I think she's hilarious. But over on her blog there was something pretty moving going on. A huge Christmas miracle if you will... and for those of us struggling to be in the spirit this year, I challenge you to read this entry and not be moved in some way.

http://thebloggess.com/2010/12/my-heart-grew-three-sizes-and-now-i-have-an-enlarged-heart-worth-it/

Do I have a hangover?

2010-12-16T21:15:00.000-04:00

I'm one of the lucky few who, even into my thirties, have been blessed with an ability to drink my face off and wake up without a hangover. And when I see what some folks go thru, including my ex-wife, I honestly believe that I would not drink nearly as often, cause I couldn't bear to deal with the discomfort and vomiting.

And then Friday night was my work Christmas party... during the day at work I was feeling a bit run down but was counting on the tradition that the office closed at 3pm, so I could sneak home and have a quick nap to rejuvenate myself. No such luck, but I still took off at 4pm. Instead of heading straight home, I headed to the mall to pick up a must buy gift for William and then had enough time to jam some tunes to life my spirits, have a shower and iron a few shirts.

Mingling started at 6:30 and since I'm single I decided to arrive 15 minutes late to ensure my friends would be there and I wouldn't be stuck talking to management and their spouses about future job aspirations. I walked off the elevator and grabbed my drink tickets and made my way to the bar where I saw a couple of friends. I had a gin and tonic and mingled with my friends and some other coworkers that would wait at the bar for service. We stuck pretty close to the bar cause it was also located near the dining room and we wanted to ensure we would get to sit together.

We sat down and enjoyed a good dinner and an amazing view of the Halifax waterfront. I probably should have stuck to water but white wine always goes down so well but also knocks me off my feet. Before I knew it I was explaining to the girls what it means when my teeth go numb. We shared a lot of laughs and really enjoyed our last social event as a full group, as the next round of staff to leave is December 31st.

Lots more drinks were consumed, including a round of shots I indirectly talked my boss into buying for us... and by us ended up being every drinking in the room (sorry Allan... I'm sure you're wife doesn't like me so much anymore). Funny sidebar: a girlfriend of one staff member who none of us have met before was a very sweet Asian girl who was far more intoxicated than me, and when she knocked her shot glass over on the tray, she waited until the rest were gone before picking the tray up very publicly and tilting it up so she could slurp her shot out of the tray. The crowd just stared. Great moment!

We finished up our drink tickets and headed into the elevator (pic below) and headed out to Celtic Corner to check out the live entertainment. The music was good and we had another round of drinks and then someone suggested dancing and before we knew it my pregnant work wife, Karen, had us loaded into her truck headed to Halifax to dance. Again I should have stopped drinking but I apparently can't. The crew stayed until 3am and then they headed home, but I had ran into friends and had a taxi chit so I stayed a little longer. Long enough to realize how drunk I was, so I bought a bottle of water, found a couch and chugged it down. I grabbed my coat and a cab and was home before 4am. Watered the Christmas tree, only to pass-out underneath it for an hour or so.

The next morning I woke up and felt horrible. Could I really have a hangover? Damn this sucks. The ex-wife and the son picked me up and we grabbed some lunch and my car, but unlike the past the fast-food didn't fix the problem. William and I spent the rest of the day together and as the day went on I felt worse and worse until finally I was running a high fever. Sunday morning I had Jaime come pick William up and I spent the day watching tv and realizing my glands were growing by the hour. It hadn't been a hangover I was full on sick.

By the time Monday arrived I called in sick for work and went to the doctor. I was screened for the regular things and was swabbed for strep and given a blood sample requisition for mono. I had the blood-work done and was told it would be two days for results. The next two days were pretty terrible. I could barely eat and by Wednesday was still rocking a fever and my voice was very distorted from the swollen glands. Mono came back clear and I begged for antibiotics, since the strep hadn't returned yet. I was given the prescription and went home to regularly dose myself with drugs.

With still no answer as to what I am sick with all I can hope is since I've suffered almost a week already, I'll surely be clear for Christmas.

MashUp

2010-12-08T21:47:00.000-04:00

I've been kinda offline cause it feels like I don't have a lot of free time lately. So instead of an entry with one specific topic this is going to be a mash up of my last two weeks.

My interview went well with Nova Scotia Power and I left unsure if I would get a job offer. Not that I felt like I messed any one question up, but I was very clear to the panel that I hoped to stay at my current job until the end of January (and they were hoping to fill their position within the next couple of weeks) and the guy I would be reporting to was someone I went thru grade school with and never was really friends with. I played with the idea of whether I could work for someone I grew up with but today I got a call that they hired internally so my decision was made for me. The HR contact was nice enough to let me know they were impressed with my interview and would contact me if another competition arose.

In relation to legal issues I have decided to drop the last issue I have with the divorce. I spent a lot of time wondering if I would be making a big mistake but thought realistically about the money I would spend for the chance to get what I want when William will soon become more vocal about what he wants and we'll have to listen to a larger extend. I'm not sure how quickly things will move now but we'll see.

This past weekend was a little crazy. Let's start with Friday... I attended guerrilla gayfare. What is guerrilla gayfare you may ask? It's when the gay community decide to all arrive at a "non-gay" bar all wearing the same color, or ugly Christmas sweaters this month, and go out to make a few new friends. I didn't have an ugly Christmas sweater so I attached a fabric advent calendar to my shirt and headed out with my friends. We enjoyed some drinks, chatted to lots of people and danced to the live band... and heck, we even had a doctor buy a round of Stella for us. Not a bad night.

Saturday I did some Christmas shopping with my Ma and had a nap in the late afternoon. Soon the text messages were coming in asking me to head out to retro night at the Paragon. It's probably one of my favorite events here in Halifax so I couldn't turn it down. We danced to music we grew up on and sweated our asses off. A new friend of mine decided to join us but sadly didn't make it until the end of retro night (2am) so we went on to Reflections to dance for a couple more hours. This is the point where I should have gone home... but since he had made the effort I went. We were having a great time and I ran into some friends I haven't seen in a while and around 3:30 am he started passing out on the dance floor... I tried to get him to leave and in doing so a "friend" of his joined us asking where we were going and insisting he was a boyfriend. They had some words and things were getting very serious. I took my friend out in the hopes of getting out before things got messy. Once outside I asked if he would be okay and he said he thought so, we took off and about half a block later all hell broke loose. His "friend" showed up and started yelling at him again, and got in my face at one point, before beating this poor guy. Punching, kicking and dragging the guy into the street by his hair before throwing him to the ground. I had no idea what to do, and I'm no a fighter so sadly I only had the option of calling 911... police statements were given and by around 4:30am I was home crawling in bed while shaking my head. WTF is wrong with people?

Sunday morning I was up at 9am and headed out to get William from his Mom's to take him to my work kids Christmas party. It was at Winter Wonderland, which is a huge indoor event full of bouncy castles, carnival games, Santa Claus and cookie decorating. William had a blast and I loved watching him have such a good time with the other kids.

And then back to work... my week has been nuts. Deadlines are all merging together, tempers are flaring and we are all trying to focus on the task at hand... wrapping up the company in a professional manner. To say that the drinks at our Christmas party on Friday will go down easy will be an understatement.

Well I should take off... I'll try and get back sooner this time.

Interview #1

2010-11-29T00:53:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow at 2:30 I will be sitting in front of two strangers while they bombard me with questions about my employment history, strengths and weaknesses all in the hopes of getting a job offer for a position I'm not 100% sure I even want.

I consider myself lucky that I got a call, on the closing date, for an Intermediate Accountant job for Nova Scotia Power. It's a job I am certainly qualified for, and it's our only power corporation, so that bodes well that if I get the job that I shouldn't be in this position again in two years but I have a couple of reasons to hesitate. One is that I'm not confident that I want to continue to be an accountant for the duration of my career and two when they asked my salary expectations they said it was at the upper end of the range for the position, which means they had no intention of offering that salary.

I am going to go into the interview as if I'm convinced this is the best move for me, however if I do get a job offer I'm going to be faced with the decision of whether or not I'm ready to jump at a job offer prior to receiving my severance package and whether it truly is the best move for me professionally. I think secretly I know that I'm holding out hope to get an interview for one of the Province of Nova Scotia jobs that I also applied for but doesn't close for another couple of weeks.

I will also be faced with the challenge of negotiating terms in relation to start date and salary which I'm not completely convinced I have the ability to do successfully. Here's hoping I am faced with the challenge of deciding what to do...

Just a taste

2010-11-26T20:59:00.000-04:00

Well we've had a taste of winter here in Halifax. The ground was covered and Christmas lights were glowing so I took a chance around 11 pm that evening to take a quick walk around the Hydrostone area of my beautiful city to take a couple of pics. This one is from my iPhone. I love how quiet it gets when the snow is falling, traffic is almost non-existant and you can feel very alone. I could have walked outside bundled up for hours if it wasn't a work night. And here's a terrible self-portrait... a skill I obviously need to work on.

Strangely I am looking forward to winter this year. Not that I hate the season, but sometimes the reduced hours of daylight can wear on a brotha... but this year I'm looking at the positives. It's almost the start of a new year, a new job, and I want to get out skiing and spend some time sledding and building snowmen with Willsy B. Oh and I only want it to be snowy... I don't want the bitter dry cold. I can demand that right?

It's the little things...

2010-11-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

One thing I love about my current job, that I am hoping will be similar with my next employer is the flex time policy. I was lucky enough to change my hours from 9-5 to 830-430 once William started to school. This allows me to take William to the bus stop and wait with him until he boards the bus and heads to school.

It's only a half hour change in my work day but those mornings waiting with William are some of my favorite moments lately. Whether it's watching him become more confident around other kids, to his excitement at having the first backpack in line or even being there to wave as the bus pulls off... all memories I will share with William far into the future when he has children of his own.

Project 365

2010-11-18T21:22:00.000-04:00

I got my iPhone 4 almost two months ago and I have to say I love it. I guess the amount of calls I make doesn't warrant the cost of the phone, even under a contract, however all of the other uses of an iPhone made it well worth the investment.

One app in particular that I've grown rather fond of, and encourage all of my iPhone cohorts to download is Project 365. It's an app that you are supposed to use daily to journalize your year thru photos. You create your photo diary simply by using your camera everyday for a year... can it get any easier?

I started mine half part way thru November and already I enjoy looking back thru the past few weeks at some of the photos and am reminded of some adventure I was on. And in addition to reminding me of certain experiences it is also getting me in the habit of taking more photos and actually using a digital camera I'm now carrying everyday.

Here is a sampling of some of the photos I have taken... and again I encourage you to download the app if you have an iPhone.

He's not heavy... he's my son

2010-11-17T21:12:00.001-04:00

This morning on the way to work I was waiting at a stop sign and noticed a young man carrying what I assume was his son on his shoulders. The little boy had a backpack on and looked so content being carried towards the elementary school. I just kind of stared at them and wondered if William will someday look at the same scene and remember all the times he has travelling in the exact same way on my shoulders.

William and I have an amazing relationship. I'm very blessed to have a young boy who is kind, polite, caring and has an amazing sense of humor... and the older he gets I realize how much more independent he has become and it makes me a little sad. I'm blessed. And I'll carry him as long as I physically can.

August 2008

Fork in the road

2010-11-07T17:46:00.002-04:00

As I mentioned a while back the company that I work for was for sale. On November 1st the $2+ billion dollar transaction took place; something that had increased our workload substantially over the summer. And on Tuesday a town-hall meeting was called for all offices across Canada. It would be at noon-hour meeting for us on the Atlantic coast. Fear in the office was slightly escalated but at the same time, since we had received limited information on any restructuring, our hopes were that we would get some insight as to how our next few months would be affected.

We received an inner-office invite to merge in the conference room at 11:30 and have some lunch as we prepared for the tele-conference. I opted to skip the pizza because I'm trying to get back on track with my eating and joined the group around 11:45. As I walked down the hall to the conference room I noticed two of our VPs in the smaller conference room with someone I didn't recognize and instantly I felt my heart rate quicken.

I joined the group with were all in active conversations, yet all nervously watching the door. I sat down next to my friend Karen and soon the receptionist Karma joined us and we made idle chit chat. Then one of the VPs came out and asked Karma to go downstairs because about 10 people would be arriving and needed to be escorted up to the board room. My heart sunk and I knew what was coming next.

The group arrived in suits and stern faces. Most shuffled their way thru the crowd and stood at the front of the room as the new owners started the conference call. Most of the call I couldn't pay attention to because it was obvious that our future was negatively changing and it was out of our control. We were told that we would each have one-on-one meetings with the members of staff from the new company to discuss our future and that for those who were not continuing on packages would be detailed. Tears welled in my eyes.

The call lasted maybe 10 minutes but the weight on everyone's shoulders was beyond bearable. We went back to our desks and waited out our individual turns. We couldn't work; not only because we could not concentrate but also because all internet, including email was shut down until after meetings were held. People who had been employed with the company long enough had a feeling we were all out of jobs immediately and started packing up their desks. I did the same. Taking down pictures of William and throwing out non-essential papers and gathering up the social committee petty cash and receipts and putting them in a safe with notes for whoever would deal with the funds. It was a long three hours until my meeting.

Three hours of watching friends go into an office and come out with swollen eyes; packing up their stuff and leaving or for some there seemed to be a contract for them to consider, which extended their employment for a predetermined amount of time. Finally it was my time to enter. I had watched enough of my co-workers pass by to regroup and calm my nerves.

I entered the office and met someone from the new company in a suit and see an envelope with my name on it on the table. I made a joke and it broke the tension. He told me he appreciated my attitude and then went into his speech about me being identified as a key employee and hoped that I would stay with the company until the end of January as part of the transition team. Anything else he may have said is a blur and I was shuffled down the hall to a gentleman who worked for an independent HR company who would help me transition to my next employment opportunity.

I was offered employment until the end of January at my regular salary. If I stay until the end of the contract I will also receive a bonus as well as a generous severance package. Of course I will accept for two reasons... 1. I am terrified to be unemployed and have responsibilities and 2. if I don't accept the offer I get nothing.

So here I am, for a second time in two years, facing unemployment due to a restructuring. This time, thankfully, I am not also dealing with a health scare and a marriage that is falling apart. I am at a fork in the road and am now forcing myself to analyse my life and which path I want to follow. While I was content with my job I knew it wasn't something I would do, at least with this company, for 30 years until retirement.

The options ahead of me right now are to either stay in the accounting field and continue my designation, or go back to school for a new path, or find alternate employment that utilizes my existing skill set but is perhaps in a different capacity.

Today I have spent the day in Starbucks drinking tea, doing some networking via email, making lists and doing some research. And it's funny. Initially I was scared to find out my fate, but unlike my last layoff, I'm looking forward to the change. It's an exciting stage to be in, regardless of the unknown. I'm going to try and embrace it this time and try and find a career that is more rewarding than things I have done in the past.

Hallowe'en Party 2010

2010-11-03T21:43:00.000-03:00

Saturday, October 30th my friends Colin and Colin hosted a party at their apartment... which also happens to be an old whore house in Halifax. They completely converted their place and hosted a party to not be missed. I won't go into a long drawn out post detailing the whole night but will give you some of the highlights. If you want more specifics leave a comment and I'll be happy to expand.

Here's a few flashes of moments in my night:

Ex-Wife and son drive me to my friend Tori's house

Get into cab wearing costume which includes gold cape and green panty hose... cab driver doesn't even bat an eye.

At party I get groped twice by a 19 year old before I have a talk about his aggressiveness... he then begs for a hug.

I wrote something vulgar on a guy's tank top

Fog machine sets off smoke detector in apartment building... landlady freaks out cause someone is laughing as we are evacuated

Two early 20 something guys wearing loin-cloths are making out just for someone else to see it happen... they barely even know each other

Bath tub is full of blood and fingers

Sonny (female) and Cher (male) do a song for the crowd

the male Elizabeth (from The View) asks me to help him unzip his dress in the kitchen so he can change into pants for the bar... he just fully disrobes in the kitchen... I also have to help with panty hose.

Hop in cab with a very strong full drink to drive two blocks to the bar... he his a stop a little hard and I drop the entire drink on the floor with audible splash and limes everywhere... I tip well and act like nothing happened.

A "used tampon" costume wins for best costume at the bar... clearly they didn't see mine.

I run into a number of Robins... mine is the only home made version

Using the bathroom at Refs I have to hold my cup (jock version not drink) in my teeth to pee

Dance very close/flirt with someone - crush is developed

Freeze waiting for my own cab

Get home and take off costume to have coins fall onto floor that a leprechaun (lesbian friend) must have stuffed into my costume at some point.

Ahhh... Hallowe'en... that magical time of the year!!

Three days of Hallowe'en madness!!

2010-10-28T23:10:00.000-03:00

Woot woot! My favorite holiday of the year is upon us and this year it's a three day event.

Day 1 will be our Hallowe'en party at work and a mid-day assembly at William's school which I will run to during my lunch break. I just threw together my costume tonight and think it looks pretty darn good if I must say so myself. A coworker had suggested that she and I go as Snooki and The Situation from Jersey Shore. I said sure and to my knowledge at 11pm she has backed out and may not even wear a costume. I'm hoping she's just trying to get me going but time will tell. Here is my costume without some makeup to make me look tanned and maybe some greasy hair.

Day 2 is Saturday... I will spend the day with William but that evening I will be attending a Hallowe'en party in the south end of Halifax. There are 34 confirmed guests and many pending or still maybes. The party is expected to be epic... and epic is what a friend called my costume in it's first form. This is the work in progress version I have taken a pic of. I will hopefully finish the costume tonight or tomorrow evening. It's not work appropriate and part of me is shocked that I am actually going to head out in public in this costume... but I figure I have to step up my game. The crew hosting the party are known for stellar costumes and there is a contest so go big or go home... or in my case be brave or go home. And let's face it, I'm gay and not getting any younger... no time like the present to be Robin (sidekick of Batman).

Day 3 will be October 31st. I will be taking William trick-or-treating along with my ex-wife. I always dress up, so I will again sport the Jersey Shore costume and we'll take a neighborhood in Sackville by storm. William is dressing as Waldo, from Where's Waldo and I made his costume.

Let the festivities begin!! Happy Hallowe'en Weekend y'all!

Self portrait

2010-10-15T21:26:00.000-03:00

Onto greener pastures??

2010-10-15T09:36:00.000-03:00

Over the course of the past year the company that I work for has put the arm of the business that I work for up for sale. When the announcement first came down in a town hall meeting, I was here less than six months, and I looked around the office trying to survey the faces of my coworkers for the same panic that I was feeling. I have been thru a restructuring and job loss before, with GMAC, and of course my fears might have been heightened by that but no one in the room seemed phased by the whole announcement.

Now with the sale confirmed to be taking place on November 1st our future is up in the air to some degree. The purchase of our business is a huge undertaking for our new owners and although they work in our industry the scope of our business is overwhelming, to say the least. That being said, their corporate office is currently in Toronto, not Halifax like my existing office.

Yesterday was a key day in the process for the group of employees that I am a member of. There were meetings yesterday, which was basically an information gathering process, but the reality of the transaction about to take place was brought to reality for many of my coworkers. And with that reality came a lot of fear and borderline tears for some when they thought about the fact that this new company has no ties to our currently employees and we may get left behind. All the years of work some have put in; the unpaid overtime and personal sacrifices they thought they were making to further their career may have been for nothing. Even our bosses are showing signs of fear. It's terrifying.

Today we have to try and get back to regular business and keep pushing thru and hope that our meetings had a positive impact on our future operations. I'm hoping I am not back on the job hunt again. I was never one who liked change and since March 2008 I have already had four jobs. The anxiety of being potentially unemployed is building within me and I don't know what to do. BUT, I am a HUGE believer that things happen for a reason and this may be a change in the path that I need to undertake in order to be more fulfilled. Perhaps this is when I will go back to school and start over; something I have been thinking of for some time. Here's hoping if my office is shut down I'm moving onto something better.

It Gets Better Project

2010-10-03T22:26:00.000-03:00

There are some sad statistics recently involving teenagers and children who have committed suicide recently due to being bullied for being gay and there has been a lot of media attention given to these lives. And these are only the few that we have heard about. Dan Savage, of Savage Love, has stepped up and created the It Gets Better Project where individuals are invited to use the power of youtube to share a story of survival and provide some inspiration to those struggling with surviving another day, to keep pushing forward and become the happy and healthy adults these kids deserve to be.

I'm 33 and I still struggle with my sexuality and being open about it with everyone in my life. In fact, I was even hesitant to post this entry because I don't even know the scope of who reads this blog or what their stance may be on sexuality. But then I think about the long road I took to get to where I am today and realize that I need to post this entry because the message is bigger than me. I'm not one who really wants to label myself but I'm gay and that's okay.

I haven't decided yet whether or not I will post a video to youtube but I thought I would share the fact that I realize why these teenagers feel like they are at a low place that they cannot climb out of. I have been bullied about my sexuality as far back as early elementary. I remember times throughout school, even into grade 11 where I have had someone ask me if I was a girl. I have never looked much like a girl; I have never worn my hair long but that question has always hurt. I have endured jerks spitting on my locker. I have been called the worst names and I even wonder if part of why my father and I never got along was because he thought I was gay. But the ultimate act, which still kind of haunts me to this day, was when I was in high school and riding the bus home. I was already insecure enough, but this particular day some guys a year ahead of me stood up, just before getting off at their stop to make sure the majority of the bus was their audience. And they announced that they had made me something in woodshop. It was a piece of wood in the shape of a penis. People were laughing and I wanted to shrink into a ball an disappear. They proceeded to drop it into my lap and get off of the bus. All the while, people are watching my reaction, including the bus driver, who lived on my street but did nothing. I was speechless and fighting tears and then thankfully two girls named Alexandra and Shanna came to my rescue and called the guys out for the jerks that they were.

This could have been a day where a teenager would have taken their own life, but something inside me didn't let that happen. I feared from that day forward taking the bus or even going to school but I found the strength. I hope more kids in this situation find the strength to keep pushing thru the hard years. It gets better!

Sometimes it feels so abnormally normal...

2010-09-24T15:28:00.001-03:00

It's strange how being two plus years into a seperation that two people can still feel so confused and lost about the whole thing. I sometimes wonder where my ex-wife's head is in relation to the whole thing but will never ask because I'm afraid I will remind her if she's in a period of peace about it. But then some days, like today I get this in an email:

"I’m having a bad being-divorced-day today. A not-understanding-even-though-I-know day."

and I'm struck in the chest with the reality of how she is feeling. And that even though we both know it's the right thing to do, I am probably safe to assume that neither of us really want it to be happening. All I can do is apologize for pain and explain that I am feeling some of the same things.

There is so much I want to say to her, to try and help her get thru all of this, but I wait. I wait because thru the process I was accused of manipulating her, when in reality I was just trying to maintain my relationship with my son. Instead, I have started writing a letter in my head, that I will eventually put on paper and give her once the divorce is finalized.

It's hard to be seperated from someone who has been my best friend for so many years and that even though things got pretty bad I still love and want the best for, and want to be in their life everyday... so I try and block it all out and just get thru the days, weeks and months. Hoping one day it will all make sense for everyone.

Get ready to itch!

2010-09-17T23:21:00.000-03:00

Last Saturday, after the first week of school was completed, I get a frantic message from my ex-wife that our son may have LICE! She was at Walmart (some things never change) and noticed a small insect moving on William's hair. She grabbed it and put it inside a pill bottle she had in her purse and immediately freaked out. She called me and I quickly googled lice and treatments and we spoke about what we were going to do.

She got a chemical treatment and daily William goes thru extensive screening to ensure that any nits are removed before they can develop into a louse. It is a long process and we are very blessed that William is obsessed with books and so well behaved, otherwise we might just decide to shave all our heads and pour bleach over the remaining stubble... okay I exaggerate slightly.

On Monday, since he only had had nits he went back to school, as is recommended by the department of health. We informed the school and asked that they ensure that the children in William's class are screened, as we didn't want William to be re-infected. The secretary informed Jaime that protocol had changed and the principal would call her back to discuss what would be done. No call.

Tuesday I spoke with the secretary and was informed that she had screened William Monday afternoon and did not see any nits, and that for the record she had never in her career ever seen one on a boy. Flash forward to my ex-mother-in-law checking him upon return from school and she finds some and flash forward again to Monday evening when I spend an hour scanning his head removing many nits. How qualified can this secretary truly be for screening students? Anyway, back to Tuesday, I tell the secretary that I need the principal to call me back to let me know what is going to be done, because William will not be returning to class until we are confident that the children have been screened. She tells me that she will send a letter home to the primary parents, even though she didn't have the principal's permission. WTF? Permission to inform parents about lice? You have got to be kidding me. A few hours later I get a call from the principal and he said that he will speak to the public health nurse assigned to our school and have students screened.

I speak to the principal again Wednesday to find out how the process went and ensure it was safe to send William back to class. He informs me that no screening would take place; the letter was sent home and parents will screen their kids. But in that same conversation he said that newsletters are ineffective with some parents and most parents cannot identify nits or locate lice. I'm holding myself back and ask him where the logic is in this situation where we have a public health nurse employed by our school who can identify lice, since parents are not qualified. He can't answer that other than to say their role has changed to be more educators and perhaps they should send out some diagrams. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

I then go on to warn him that William will be returning to class, since he is free of lice and nits, HOWEVER if William becomes re-infected he will have two VERY UPSET parents on his hands. And I for one will be going to every bus stop and speak with every parent I see to explain that the principal is not willing to have our students screened and then I will move onto the school board if nothing is done. And he basically wraps up the conversation and I thank him for his time.

So he's been back to class for two days and we continue to screen him every evening. So far so good. But come on people it's 2010. Lice should not exist and plans should be in place to screen students when a parent calls reporting an outbreak.

Self-Improvement

2010-09-08T20:08:00.001-03:00

Separation is obviously never an easy thing to deal with. Your life, schedule and routines suddenly are thrown up in the air and you try your best to juggle all the things that used to seemingly fit perfectly together. In that struggle to find a new balance I was faced with one task that I never thought would ever be an issue in life. Eating alone.

Initially on those nights I didn't have William I would come home from work and walk around the kitchen thinking of things to make for supper but then putting it off until around 9pm and by then I was starving and would eat just about anything. That led me to eat easy things that wouldn't create any left overs and were higher calorie foods. And I easily put on weight.

Finally in the spring of this year, I had had enough. I knew that for no one other than myself and my self esteem I needed to get my eating back on track and lose the excess weight. I needed to feel better about myself because I was healing in other areas and needed to be the best Jeff I could be right now.

And what did I turn to? A diet. Not a don't eat carb, only eat meat diet, but specifically "The Abs Diet" from David Zinczenko, Editor-in-Chief of Men's Health Magazine. I had seen things online about this diet before and decided that I was going to give it an honest try. And it's not really a diet, it's more guidelines of what to eat, and workout plans to help you get real results in 6 weeks.

The "diet" basically has you eating from twelve power food groups six times a day. This way you're constantly fueling the fire and the exercise plans combine ab workouts, weight training workouts and interval cardio training. That all sounds like a lot but you only have to commit to 3 workouts a week and really anyone can do that. And the only real equipment you need is a set of simple weights, actually, it even provides alternatives that don't require weights for most exercises.

I committed to the six weeks. I did a minimum of three workouts a week and ate the power foods, except for my cheat meal on weekends and within six weeks I lost 15lbs. Fast forward thru the summer, and I kept up most of the eating habits and tried to get in my three workouts but without complete success and I'm happy to report I'm down a total of 25lbs. Basically, I currently weight at 33 what I did when I was 23. Never thought I could say that but it's true.

Now I still don't have abs and realistically never will, but I definitely lost a lot of belly fat, I have some definition in my arms and little things like having clearer skin were all benefits of this "diet". And now that it's September and life will slow down a bit I plan on getting back to it hard core for another six weeks and see what new level I can reach... plus knowing that I'm heading south in the spring and will be dating are good motivators as well.

Before (nice double-chin action)

Skinnier yet slightly older version

And the lack of communication begins

2010-09-07T16:01:00.001-03:00

Here's a conversation William and I had Friday afternoon while out for a walk in the city... if this is how it starts, what will it be like when I ask about finals in university? Ha!

Me: So William, what did you do at school today?

William: Nothing.

M: Nothing? Did you color?

W: No.

M: Play with blocks?

W: No.

M: Did your teacher read you a book?

W: No.

M: Did you have fun playing on the playground?

W: Grrrrr

M: What's wrong?

W: I don't remember Daddio.

M: What did you have for lunch?

W: Nothing.

M: Nothing? Did MomMom forget to pack your lunchbag?

W: Yes.

M: Well you must be starving. I can't believe you had to go all day without anything to eat. I should call MomMom and ask why she forgot.

W: I had a sandwich. Can we go to the playground now?

33

2010-09-03T09:53:00.000-03:00

So just under a month ago I turned 33. And when I say that number I feel like I should feel older and have more accomplished in my life but for some reason I embrassed turning 33 this year even though maybe it doesn't feel like the number that truly represents my age.

If I had to look at my life and assign it an age I'd either be 28 or 19. I say 28 because I feel like that's the stage of responsibility that I am at. I have a career that still needs some development to reach the final plateau. I have a son and maintain a home. I am very active and am constantly striving to improve my health because I know what the future can hold. And because I dress and resemble someone in their late twenties. And I say 19 because lets face it, I have drank and partied more this summer than I have in many years. I have a circle of friends who are constantly planning the next event; to the point that we now have a private facebook group exclusive to our group that we post things in, so we're all always up to date on pending events. Yeah, we're that cool. Ha!

So what did I actually do on my birthday, you may ask? Well I spent the day with my Mom and William. We kind of had a slow easy start to the day at home, not really doing all that much. Then in the afternoon we went on a little adventure that William decided on. He's wanted to go on the Harbour Hopper for a long time and we decided that Daddio's birthday was probably a great time to go. Sadly, William fell asleep five minutes into the ride and was disappointed that he missed the water portion of the tour (and being the good Dad I am, we went a second time about a week later). While on the tour I started getting texts from my friend Ashley asking what my evening plans were. I told her none, since it was a Tuesday, and none of my other friends were on vacation like I was.

Mom, William and I then met up with a girl I grew up with, Kelly, who is more like a younger sister than friend and we all went for Chinese food at May Garden. We enjoyed a quiet dinner and made plans to go visit her later in the week at her home on a lake, near where we grew up. Then we just went back to my house to blow out some candles, cut a cake and open a few presents. It was a great day.

But then, my friend Ashley asked if I wanted to go for a drink on one of the many great patios in our city. We ended up at the Bitter End, which are known for their assortment of martinis. I accepted the offer and made my way for around 8pm. To my surprise Ashley was not alone. She had arranged and secured 12 of our friends for a last minute meeting. We sat on the patio and shared drinks, nachos and stories and laughed for a couple of hours. I got a few cards, many hugs and well wishes to the next year of my life.

To say that I'm a lucky man is an understatement. I have an amazing family that support me. I have an amazing circle of friends, most of which I have only known for a year. And I have my health and a future that is mine to decide. So bring on 33 and all the new experiences!

First day of grade primary

2010-09-02T16:21:00.000-03:00

Today is the first day of grade school for my son. It was a day that I dreaded for the last six months or so, because I had to admit to myself that he was a big boy. As the day approached I felt the anxiety surge and I had some fear that on his first day there would be tears for him, my ex-wife and myself, but I'm happy to report it was all dry eyes today (not that I have any issue expression emotion).

Another concern for me was that William didn't want to go to "big school"; he made that clear for weeks and during supper Monday evening when I tried to upsell school he was at the point of ignoring the conversation all together. Luckily, one of my ex's sisters is an elementary school teacher and suggested that he go for another visit at the school in hopes of turning his resistance into a bit of excitement.

On Tuesday his grandmother took him to the school and both of his teachers (yes, we just found out this week that there is going to be a split in teaching between two teachers... WHAT?) were there. He was able to have a personal tour of the school, see where his desk was and play with some of the things in class and finally he began to have a bit of excitement. We didn't want to jinx ourselves so we held our breath and today I am happy to report William had a great day and called me at work when he got home to tell me some of what he did.

But knowing William, tomorrow could be a whole different ball game.

PS. Sorry about the slacking on my blog... I'm going to try and do some catch-up entries to fill you in on my summer.

Let's just screw Christmas this year.

2010-08-06T16:14:00.000-03:00

So the day in court ended up being just a money grab for the lawyers. The Ex and I each met our respective lawyers in the lobby and they talked a bit of game to each other and then we filed into the court room. Jaime and I made minimal eye contact and didn't even so much as say hi. I was simply trying to keep my shit together and not cry in front of the judge, and I suspect the same was true for her as well.

The took turns standing up and addressing the judge, basically asking that our final issue be decided on by judge and at that time divorce papers would also be signed. To say I was disappointed that nothing got done was an understatement. I don't like wasting money, taking time off work or dealing with any of this, let alone letting it continue to drag on.

The court date is now December 14th. That's right DECEMBER 14th. Well as if Christmas wouldn't be hard enough this year since he'll wake up at her house, divorce will be finalized, my sister won't be home and it will be almost a year since Grammie passed away. Needless to say I'm looking into my Mom and I (and now I'm really starting to sound like someone who should have 10 cats) going to NYC for a few days during the holidays to get away from reality. Either that or I'll need to get a 40 of gin and as many limes as one can buy at the local Superstore.

My next post will be upbeat... PROMISE!

Deadline reached?

2010-07-25T22:57:00.000-03:00

Tomorrow may possibly be the day the divorce is final.

We have some sort of meeting where Jaime and I sit down with our lawyers and a judge, and from what I understand if everything can be worked out in this half hour then this is it. Now it's not a meeting that we have to be present for, since our lawyers have the ability to act on our behalf, but I'm going. Not sure if the ex will be there or not. I didn't have the heart to ask her today, because I'm sure this day is just as hard for her.

This meeting has been weighing on my mind for weeks, but especially today. I don't know what to expect and I fear the finality of it all. The true end to a huge chapter of my life. I went to hot yoga tonight to try and clear my mind but now that I'm home and alone with no one to distract me it's eating me alive. I just hope sleep comes quickly.

In all honesty, when I proposed to Jaime in May 2002 I never ever dreamed that our relationship would ever end in divorce. I pictured us having kids, at least one of which would be adopted. I pictured us settling into a home that our children would bring their children home to and that we would build so many happy memories that we'd never run out of things to talk about.

But I will try and focus on the fact that possibly the nightmare will end and Jaime (and hopefully myself as well) will have some peace and find our new normal. My heart aches.

A portion of the crew...

2010-07-19T20:15:00.003-03:00

Who do we think we are?

2010-07-19T00:04:00.000-03:00

I just had the most epic weekend of my life.

A group of fourteen of my friends went to Moncton, New Brunswick as a mini road trip. We met at Colins' place at 7:45 am Saturday morning to load into a few vehicles and hit the road. Of course that was delayed, because really it's Saturday morning and some of the friends decided to drink Friday night and have as little as one hour of sleep.

We headed straight to Magic Mountain and spent the day riding water slides, the lazy river, swimming in the wave pool and lounging poolside in the sun. All and all a great summer day. Then around 4pm we left the water park and checked into four hotel rooms and got ready for supper. Supper was at an Irish pub called The Old Triangle. We all got a good and hearty meal and then headed for the liquor store to get ready for the evening festivities.

Earlier in the day, while preparing for dinner, Colin called and organized for us to travel in style when we went downtown. At 9:30 our stretch Cadillac Escalade arrived and picked us up for a two our cruise around Moncton. We popped champagne (and followed with many other bottles of alcohol), took a ton of pictures and sang along to an amazing mix of music on one of our iPods. To be rolling in that kind of style it's easy to see why celebrities live lives of excess.

And finally at 11:30 our ride ended at the club. The drive parked out front, rolled out a red carpet and we all got out. During which time, Ashley became red carpet road kill, falling down (on purpose) on the red carpet and Tori walked over her for an amazing photo op.

We headed inside and danced our asses off. We were definitely a group that got noticed and probably mainly for the fact that we were new faces in the community. There are so many funny stories that came out of that evening but for me there is one that stands out.

There was a man, with his group of friends, dancing in a mesh tank top. MESH! Where does one even find a mesh tank top?? Other than that I don't think he was that bad of a looking guy. I guess fashion in Moncton is ahead?? or behind that of Halifax. Anyway, he noticed me dancing and came over and asked me to have a dance off. Me, feeling drunkenly confident in my dancing accept. We start a battle in the centre of the dance floor and before I know it he grabs my shirt and rips it up and over my head.

Clearly the lesson is to NEVER TRUST A MAN IN A MESH TANK TOP!

All in all I had an amazing weekend. My group of friends never cease to amaze me. We have never all traveled before but all went well and we had a ton of laughs over breakfast this morning bringing up all of the experiences from the night before.

Always Connected

2010-07-15T21:06:00.000-03:00

I sometimes sit at my desk and wonder how previous generations stayed connected. Today it's so easy to be in contact with anyone. My friends and family are only a phone call, text message or email away, but for the majority of my Mom's working career there wasn't even email. And let's not even mention that there were party lines instead of multi line phones and call waiting.

I am sure work has been drastically effected by diminished output because of our ability to be constantly connected. Within my circle of friends alone, we have streams of emails in facebook, that the majority of us reach via our cell phones during work hours. And text messages are sure to always get someone's attention when a matter is more urgent. These two forms of communication have become my default, because I don't have to use any of my employers resources. Thereby diminishing any fear that my VP of Financial Reporting tried to instill in us for using work systems for private use.

Who knows what is around the corner... perhaps I should seek out the technology that would render cell phones ability to send/receive texts or an Internet connection and sell that technology to businesses to ensure their staff can't access these systems and therefore force employees to work harder.

Fountain of Youth

2010-07-05T23:32:00.000-03:00

There was a span of time, like say the last 5 years where I could fall asleep at the drop of a dime. Didn't matter what I was doing just before laying down... could be a late night 6km run... could be watching TV... anything and it didn't matter. As soon as I'd lay down I would be asleep. And I needed that sleep. If I wasn't getting it, I was no good at work and fighting to keep my eyes awake at 2pm.

But I think I found the fountain of youth and I'm going to share it with you, under the understanding that you will share this information wisely. Bombay Sapphire Gin. Something about this liquid has transformed me in the last few months into someone in their early twenties. Here's an example...

My sister flies in Wednesday night. I pick her up at the airport, we come home, I get my son settled for bed and I get ready to meet up with my friends at karaoke night. I'm tired because it's halfway thru a work week and it's pushing 11pm, but that feeling won't last long. By 12:30 I am at the Palace with a double G & T and I'm rock solid. We hop bars because the place is empty but I still dance the night away until 4am. Not to mention that while walking by Venus Pizza, while I'm surrounded by 4 or 5 other guys, a girl comes up to me points her finger into my chest and says "You're sexy". Hello... I'm the oldest in the group but I still got the attention.

I crawl into bed at 5ish, up at 9:30 and spend the entire day out in the sun celebrating Canada day, catch the fire works and up early Friday morning to drop William off to his Mom before heading to work. Work all day, come home do work around the house until 2am, crash and up at 8am to do more work around the house. Have more family arrive in town... take them shopping around the city before cracking my 40 oz gin I got at duty free. I'm easily smashed by 4pm. At this point it's looking like any plans to go out will be a write off... cause I don't think I can still party with the young ins at 32. But hold up... got the jams pumping, little bit of supper and a few more shots and I'm heading to the Lower Deck. The family is getting a bit lame but I run into friends. We're dancing to Signal Hill on the patio. I'm making new friends, drinking doubles and shooting Jager Bombs with my friend's boyfriend. Cut to an hour later and I'm en route to the Paragon for retro night. Of course my friends are leaving the dance floor to do shots of Jager. I'm not one to be left out... but then I also do a shot of tequila with another friend and then of course follow with Gin. We close that place... must be 1pm. A friend and I grab a cab to Reflections, while the other fools walk. And once inside grab a gin and hit the dance floor until 4am closing.

We walk to Pizza corner and suddenly one of the guys has a ride for us. I decline at first until I realize they are heading my way. On the ride I am convinced that I should go swimming with them. Somehow I'm convinced and am on the shore of lake bannook. Probably half an hour of swimming, sun is very much on it's way up before crashing at a buddy's place. Awake and doing the walk of shame by 10am for another family filled day. Even to the point that I work on an assignment, have dinner with family, see my sister off to TO, take a 20 minute nap, go for a walk on the waterfront and crash at 11pm.

I know it's going to take it's toll... but I've had a couple of rough summers, this one is starting out pretty grand. I'm not going to let it fly by without me. I can always catch up on sleep... but can't catch up on memories.

Raise a glass of youth, my friends!

Starting Over

2010-06-25T20:19:00.000-03:00

I have probably mentioned this before, but during my relationship with my wife a lot of the friends I had were our friends. They were really my friend by default because Jaime and Jeff were this package deal, and accordingly when we split I realized that I was relatively alone on the friend front.

Luckily, I had become close to a couple of friends who became key players in my mental stability over the last two years. And along the way I was introduced to Jacob Owens, the maker of Conscript, who I have spoken about before. Jacob played a key part in my life over the last year, and might not really even realize the significance he has played. Thru being involved in that one weekend filming his movie, I met a group of people who have become my circle of friends.

It was probably a few months after making that film that I got my first invitation to come out with the group of friends and at first the shy and insecure Jeff wasn't going to go. I have never been one to enjoy uncomfortable situations but this was a really great group of people and they only knew me for me, so I took the chance. And I haven't looked back.

Never before as an adult, have I had a circle of friends that like me for me and not who I am dating or married to. And never before have I felt like I didn't have to hide a certain portion of who I was because of the fear of being judged.

Sidenote: I just scanned my pics trying to find a group shot and realize that I don't really have one... I need to work on that!

And this circle of friends is unlike most circles of friends I have been a part of or witnessed before. They are all great people and great genuine friends. They don't talk behind each other's backs. They don't judge each other. They truly love and support each other and know how to have a good time.

I'm feeling quite blessed that I have met this crew. They came into my life at a point when I truly needed them and for that I will always be grateful. I just hope that some day I can articulate how much they mean to me and that they register my sincerity.

Dilemma of the day (Monday)

2010-06-24T23:40:00.000-03:00

Everything in life can be linked back to facebook. You heard it here first people... cause even the people I met this weekend I have creeped at one point or another on facebook. Yeah, I know I probably have a problem, but until it makes me late for work, it's not a ~~problem~~ ... never mind. Moral of this paragraph: it's all linked back to facebook.

Back to my dilemma... do I email or not.

Back story:

I met someone, who I have previously creeped on facebook. It's a friend of a guy I occasionally hang out with that just got back from Australia. He came to a party and out to Tribeca and Reflections with us Saturday night and I got to know them enough to develop a crush.

At the end of the night thru some convenient circumstances I found myself walking alone with said individual. Since they were given keys from a friend but wasn't exactly sure where they lived, I offered to walk them to our friend's apartment. Once we got there we continued to talk for a little while. It's probably 4am and we sit on the front step talking and then I get an offer to come upstairs. I decline the offer but upon the second time being asked I agree. Upstairs we sit and have a glass of water and continue to talk. It was great. Since it was so late I decide to leave and am offered a chance to crash... and I knew immediately I would kick myself for not accepting the offer, but I declined. At the door I get a hug and then there was a moment when there is intense eye contact and glancing at the lips and again I know I'll regret it, but I don't take a chance and go with the moment.

My thought was that I don't want to get hurt by being rejected if I am mis-reading the situation, because this person is so charismatic and likable that they are probably truly out of my league for dating. And I also don't want to ruin potential, if there is any, that I am seen as someone worth dating because I so easily gave into temptation to just hookup.

I walked away that night slightly disappointed but also proud of myself for maintaining a reputation and for guarding my heart a little bit.

So on Sunday and into Monday I was a tad giddy that I met someone and there seemed to be a mutual interest. My dilemma was then whether or not to put myself out there and make contact. After talking to a couple friends I decided to email and mention how nice it was to meet them and express a desire to hang out again, once they are settled back in Halifax.

Sadly, it's now Thursday and I haven't gotten a response. We're friends on facebook (which happened pre-email) but I haven't gotten a word back. I'm a tad disappointed but at the same time, I'm very proud of myself for putting myself out there with someone I consider potentially a little out of my league... especially considering I never really lived the dating world before.

Ambitious project

2010-06-24T23:09:00.001-03:00

I apologize for neglecting my blog but this photography course is a larger time commitment than I had anticipated but I'm loving every minute of it. It's now winding down and I think there are four weeks left. We are now at the point where we have to submit a artists proposal for our final assignments which we will work on for the duration of the course.

Since I have a competitive streak, and my photos consistently seem to be within the top five of the class, I want my project to stand out. I debated a few different ideas and finally settled. Below I will paste the project that I submitted and in speaking with a friend in the class apparently someone gasped at the idea when I was reading it out loud to the class. Now I just have to pull it off... a little more ambitious than I could have done but I think I will learn more if I push myself.

Split Personalities

It has been said that perception is reality, and accordingly there are members of society that prefer to control that perception. The life they lead in public may not be fully aligned with the person they truly are. This collection will explore alternate personalities that make up the individuals in the portraits and cause the audience to wonder what secrets the others in the room might be hiding behind their polished exterior.

During the span of seven to ten days, portraits of six individuals will be taken. During each photo session wardrobe and prop changes will be used in conjunction with body language in order to show case two distinct personalities. Through photo editing, over the span of two weeks, portraits of each of the individual’s personalities will be combined into one photo per individual.

The collection will be printed in color on 8” X 10” matte finished paper, in order to highlight the fact that you are seeing the unpolished version of the individual, not just the control perception they may wish to portray. The portraits will be mounted on the wall in simple frames and the glass in each frame will be cracked strategically to show the split personalities.

Father's Day

2010-06-20T20:46:00.000-03:00

In our interim custody agreement there is a provision that I get William for part of father's day, even if it's not my scheduled time. Originally Jaime had asked if perhaps we could go to see Toy Story 3 as a family on father's day and then I would keep him into the evening. This morning I got a call from William wishing me a happy father's day and Jaime backed out; it was going to be too hard emotionally. I understood.

So I hopped out of bed and grabbed a shower. I was exhausted because I was out partying until 5am but with 4 hours of sleep under my belt I started a great father's day. I picked William up and he was very excited to have me open my presents right away. A Buzz Lightyear plush toy and a Where's Waldo book. They were completely his idea and I loved them. We grabbed some lunch and headed to the movie.

He snuggled into my lap during the previews and was there most of the movie. It was a good third part in the series but of course the lack of sleep and some residual gin being in my bloodstream made a few scenes a little more emotional than it should have been. It's strange how a cartoon can make you realize how fast kids grow up.

From the movie we swung by the house to grab a sweat shirt and headed down to the ferry terminal and caught a ferry across the harbour. We walked the waterfront and sat on a park bench at one point watching the sailboats and looking for Waldo in the new book. Then we grabbed some supper and I took him back to his Mom's.

All in all it was a great day. I have no complaints. Sure in a perfect world he would live with me and have woken me up this morning in person, but I'm very blessed and that technicality is not something I have the least bit of focus on today.

Birds of a feather... compare notes

2010-06-16T19:51:00.000-03:00

It's strange when you seperate from a spouse because initially you feel so alone and isolated from everyone. Even if you have a strong support system, you really don't think they can possibly understand what you are going thru and for the most part that is probably true. And as time goes by you find yourself seeking sources to increase your knowledge base, if for nothing else, just to know what to expect in the coming weeks, months and years.

It seems that lately friends of mine are seperating like I have just set the newest trend. That suddenly single and divorcing is the new black and all the cool people are doing it. In the last couple of months I have had three friends contact me to talk about their seperation. People that I didn't know were even on that path in their relationship. And I am more than happy to be their shoulder to cry on or their pillar of support. I have ridden the hardest part of the wave and hope that even the slightest amount of my experience can make their path easier.

This apparent trend also makes me wonder a couple of things. (A) Is our society too quick to walk away from a relationship when things aren't easy? and (B) What is our society going to look like when I'm a senior citizen. Will there be marriages that have stood the test of time and reached those mile stones of 50 and 60 years? And if so, will those relationships seem abnormal and sacred? Will anyone have only been married once? Will people even still get married?

I know everyone's path is different. I understand pain. And I believe that everyone should truly be happy, but I also wonder if there are a lot of people out there who are just giving up because sometimes that is easier than doing the work to stay together. Marriage is not easy, but I think getting back to the basics of the relationship is even harder once one person has already let go.

Spare Change??

2010-06-13T00:38:00.000-03:00

Panhandling is becoming more common in Halifax. You see the squeegee kids on some street corners, people with empty coffee cups, or the ones with the signs about being a moneyless traveler seeking assistance. Or like one method that has become more popular in this city is the person looking for a bus ticket and when you don't have bus tickets they ask for change for the bus. I guess it's at least a bit of creativity.

Back in the day, I shared the same opinion as one of my friends, in relation to panhandlers. Her opinion was, sure I'll give you money but do something to earn it. Instead of sitting on the sidewalk begging, pick up a few pieces of trash around you and I'll hand you my spare change.

But something has changed in me in the last couple of years. It might be age or it might be being a Dad. Either way I now look at these people and wonder how they got to this place and how alone they must be to have to resort to begging all day and being refused for the large portion of those attempts.

I know there is a large portion of those individuals who are making a lot of easy cash, however what about those individuals who really are in need of that financial support. What about those kids who had a home life that may have been abusive or unaccepting and they had to run away without any thought as to how they would survive.

For the couple of dollars that they might get out of my pocket (and I should also mention it's rare I actually have cash on me cause I use debit for everything), I over look what a possible scam artist they may be and look at the desperation it would take for me to be begging strangers for money. And I like to think that the change I provide them will no go to a substance for them to abuse and instead will nourish them for at least part of their day. They are some one's family member who needs some help and I am in no way going into the poor house for giving them a few quarters.

Just a thought.

Indulge Me

2010-06-12T21:44:00.001-03:00

I've been tagged by Jody at jojoscrazylife with a meme (my first) so here goes:

1. Do you prefer watching movies or reading books?

If I had the time I would prefer reading books, because I love the escape of entering this new world and I can control how long the journey lasts. But I do love movies because it can be a quick and dirty two hour escape and I get to see the interpretation of the setting thru someone else's eyes.

2. What is the earliest memory you have?

My first memory that I have is being in my crib, so I'm guessing I was around two-ish. I remember that on the wall in my parent's bedroom where my crib was situated there was wall paper that would have been in a nursery and none of the other walls had any. I also remember distinctly wearing feety pajamas, standing up in my crib and flipping my leg up over the side and climbing down out of the crib and jumping into my parent's bed on my Mom's side.

3. What is your most favourite alcoholic drink of all time (if you had to chose just one)?

My favorite alcoholic drink of all time would be Gin and Tonic with fresh lime. It's my drink of choice right now, so that's probably a big part of the influence but I really think I would have drank this since I was 19 if I had trying it back in the day.

4. What do you think the best television series you've ever seen is?

The best television series ever, in my opinion is Three's Company. I love the timeless humor in the show, I love the characters and the comedic timing. It's a show I watched when I was very young getting ready for supper and it's a show I can still pop into the DVD player and get completely lost in. I don't think there is an episode that doesn't make me laugh out loud.

5. What do you like the best about where you live? (I've copied this one, but I like it :)

What I like best about Halifax, Nova Scotia... hmm. I think I love most that I feel like I belong in this city. It's where I was born and essentially raised. I know all the ins and outs of the city. In fact today, after running errands, I grabbed my book and found a spot in the grass on the side of Citedal Hill and read my book in the sun along with the other hippies from the city. I love that I'm close to the ocean and can smell the salt water in the air on a foggy day. I love that my city has so much history and so many Canadians can trace their families to our port city.

The Jeff Show

2010-06-09T00:44:00.000-03:00

There is a movie that came out in the late 90s that is forever etched in my mind. It's not a movie with an epic storyline or probably even won an award, but it will always stand out for me. It's The Truman Show. That movie where Jim Carrey's character, Truman Burbank's whole life has been created by studio executives in order to entertain the viewing audiences around the world. And Truman has no idea that he's on this reality show and that everyone in his life is just a character.

I love this movie. I had owned a copy, at least up until the last move, and it's one of the rare movies I could watch over and over. I like how you can imagine network executives putting profit in front of some one's ability to have a real life, and how creative they are in keeping Truman from leaving this make believe world.

But immediately when I watched this movie I wondered if there was a chance that I was actually watching a parody of my own life. Could all of this I experience in life be somewhat fabricated for the world around me? There have been times when I have looked around wondering if there are cameras all around me. There are times when I am doing mundane chores like washing dishes, where I wonder if the director is queuing music and playing a flashback sequence, to give audiences a potential sneak peak into my thoughts.

Part of me would like to think my life is a semi-scripted reality. That certain things have happened to influence thoughts and experiences in a way that would be more entertaining and thought provoking to the millions of people sitting at home in front of their televisions right now. And if it's true... someone please give me a sign.

Catch up

2010-06-05T22:05:00.003-03:00

Holy crap... how long has it been since I last blogged. I feel like it's been forever. So I'll do a little explaining why it's been so long.

Work has gotten a little crazy. A woman, who has worked for the company for years, was fired on a Monday at 5pm. I don't know specifics but during a department meeting the following week one of the VPs took the time to discuss professional conduct and included things like... anything you do on your work computer is accessed by the company and we have every right to see everything you do on that computer. It can ruin your career and embarrass you. Think about what you do on your computer and whether you would want your boss to read it. Would you be embarrassed? I immediately thought about the time I spend on the Internet and having read dooce.com over the years I know it's reasonable that one can lose a job over a blog. And my adult rated webcam show might not go over so well either. So paying for future tuition has changed my cam scenes from business setting to a dark damp basement. Don't judge me.

And then there was a week long vacation I took. A family vacation of sorts to visit my sister in Toronto. Mom, William and I got a smoking deal on a flight, especially considering we left on the Saturday morning of a long weekend. Well Annette lives in Georgetown, not Toronto. It's really a tease to be that close to the city and not be able to enjoy it. We spent a couple of days south of the border in Buffalo, NY shopping, and then took in the Toronto Zoo and Canada's Wonderland and then on Friday night I took an almost two hour bus ride into the city to get my party on. I rented a room in an Inn, that was probably better described as a hostel and was below my standards, but seeing as I didn't get in until 5 am and was up and out of the room by 10 am it fit it's purpose.

I feel bad that my sister doesn't take better advantage of living where she does. She's over worked and hasn't made any real friends to speak of, so I think she spends the majority of her limited free time alone. If it was me I'd (a) be applying for a job with realistic hours, (b) find a circle of friends who have similar interest and (c) I would know TO like the back of my hand.

One trait of my father's that I inherited was the ability to speak my mind, and not always as sensitively as I should. We had a talk last summer around a camp fire where I questioned whether she was happy. I didn't feel I did it in a mean way but more in a concerned brother's way but it upset her, and I hate to upset any woman in my life. I just want her to be happy and if you're not happy and fulfilled living in the big city and if you miss your family and wish you didn't miss so much of your nephew's growth then move the hell home. I could go on and on but I've probably already said more than I should. Moral of my story... life is short at least try and make yourself happy!

And back to my distractions from blogging... I have also started a photography course at NSCAD which is eating up lots of my time (and I LOVE IT!!), I started a new fitness plan that had me lose 15 lbs in three weeks and has started to change my body in ways I'm very happy about, my son had grade primary orientation, started little league baseball and just this Thursday graduated from preschool.

So I've had a lot on my plate... most of it has been very positive but of course there are a few bumps with the divorce, trying to become debt free and the realization that my baby is going to big school and I probably won't ever have a child that young again.

And now to get back into routine!

William's Mother's Day Gift

2010-05-18T10:24:00.000-03:00

I know it’s late to even bring this up, but I thought I would share what William got his mother for a Mother’s Day gift. And I should point out that William gets full reign in picking out the gifts for Jaime (unless it was something I couldn’t afford, of course).

The day we went to pick out her gift my Mom was in town, so after picking William up at this Mom’s we grabbed my Mom (Gramma) and headed to East Side Mario’s for supper… since it’s William’s favorite place to eat and it’s in the mall. Kind of a kill two birds one stone situation, although I don’t condone killing birds and if you have to kill a bird for some reason I don’t think stones is humane.

Anyway, while we were at dinner I tried to get William’s creative mind going on a gift. We had pretty much settled on going to a department store and looking for a board game. I know part of it was that William notices board games on tv and wants them for himself, but it’s his choice and Jaime would appreciate it either way.

We finished up our supper and went to Zellars. We walked thru the games section and nothing was catching his attention. He took the time to look high and low and got me to turn around multiple boxes so that he could look at the back and see how much fun could be had, but still nothing.

We then walked along the ends of all the rows in the toy section; cause really any excuse for William to spend an hour in a toy section is enough for him. When we got to the pink “Barbie” isle he commented on it being for girls and I asked if he wanted to check that out. Nope. But in the next isle he found some craft type toys and he wanted to further investigate.

And then he saw it… a blue Easy-Bake Oven. He looked at me and said “Daddio, MomMom would like that… she could bake me cookies” and that was it. He had made up his mind. And really, what Mom wouldn’t want an Easy-Bake Oven so they could spend some quality time with their son and make some lasting memories.

Love at first sight

2010-05-05T10:25:00.000-03:00

I am going to sound all kinds of crazy here for a minute, but just humor me, okay?

I have mentioned before my unhealthy obsession with facebook… well I wouldn’t say that it’s unhealthy but would someone who is asylum crazy, think they are crazy? Anyway I love facebook because I’m nosey, I guess. My friends and I admit our creeping ways on facebook. It is a fairly open book of my friend’s lives… status updates with too much information about how their boyfriend cheated on them with a waitress, pictures of drunken moments, relationship status changes; it’s all there for their inner circle to find.

And then there is the tagged photo where you can see into completely random stranger’s photo albums depending on their privacy settings. THANK YOU to those of you who don’t filter your content. The people with completely open profiles: You are my favorite!

Well I was going thru one of my friend’s albums and found this person of interest. A person of interest because their looks blew me away. I clicked on the person’s name below the picture and BAM, I’m at the home page for their profile. I move the cursor over their profile picture and YAY it shows that I am able to click thru all of their profile pictures. Hoping for more, I go over to the photo tab and their albums are open for public viewing.

You can definitely learn a lot about a person from the pics they post on facebook. This profile in particular didn’t have any embarrassing photos that I wouldn’t post myself. Instead they show a sense of humor and confidence… and did I mention good looks?

In all honesty, when I saw this person’s profile I was slightly intoxicated by their looks. It was like in a movie when someone says… I knew when I saw you the first time that we would get married. Well that’s kind of how I felt… not the married part, but just blown away.

But then I thought about the fact that I don’t live in the same city and they probably only come home to Nova Scotia to visit family during the holiday season … and could I really be with someone who is better looking than me? Haha… see… back to the crazy.

Honesty... take it or leave it

2010-05-03T12:25:00.002-03:00

We have all seen those tv sitcoms where a single parent goes out on a first date with someone and then struggle with the dilemma of whether or not to share that they have a child. Just in the last couple of weeks, I watched the new show with Alyssa Milano. In the episode she is on a first date and somehow a picture of her son comes out and she panics and says it was her ex-husband. As the show progresses they try and get some laughs out of the situation, but try as they may the show is a struggle.

Now, back on track with my original thought… when I find myself in the situation where I am talking about my personal life to someone who has potential I have made the choice that I am going to disclose the fact that I am a Dad. And why wouldn’t I?

I see those shows and I get their point that some people may be frightened off by the idea of you being a single parent. I understand that some people without kids may see parenthood as an added complication to a budding relationship. Cause with that child might be an angry ex-spouse who could cause stress. Or the child might normally monopolize the time of the parent. Or, let’s face it, not everyone likes or wants children and it might be a complete write off to any relationship potential.

But I have decided that being honest about that subject is important to me. It’s important because I am and will always be proud to be William’s Daddio. I will always hold him as my number one priority, because others can come or go, but William will always be there with me. And secondly, if you are someone who can’t consider yourself dating a Dad, then really we aren’t meant to get past that first date anyway.

This also leads to the timing factor of when I would ever introduce the two… hmm… I like to think I am a good gauge of people and will be able to feel when it’s right for the two to meet. My guess is that I will keep that situation from being premature... like I'm thinking it would be a couple of months or so. Not just anyone I meet on the dance floor will immediately meet him. Just sayin.

Sometimes I even surprise myself

2010-04-30T10:52:00.000-03:00

These last few weeks, with divorce looming in the near distance, I have been bombarded with feelings. The anger when I receive letters from her lawyer about them not being willing to budge on the right of first refusal, which I want in our agreement, and the sadness I feel about the finality of it all.

Yesterday, I got such a letter from her lawyer, being very aggressive and trying to make me out to be unreasonable. Saying things like “Mr. Brown’s demand for a new clause…” or “not prepared to go down the pathway Mr. Brown wants her to go.”, when all I want is to protect both of our interests as parents. To remove future conflict from arising. But apparently I’m unreasonable prick with only my own interests in mind.

Until today, when I realize that my gut reaction is to still be sympathetic to Jaime. And that my gut reaction is usually how I respond to her. That I’m not this heartless jerk that always has to win… which is how I am made out to be. But instead, I still feel like someone who is trying to protect her from a world that can sometimes be very cruel.

Today her parents went on a tropical vacation and it’s my weekend to have William. She dropped him off at my place this morning, so that my Mom can babysit him while we are both at work, and then he is with us for the weekend.

What do I do when I get to work? I email her… reaching out to her, when I’m sure she is realizing how long of a weekend it can be when you are absolutely alone. And I offer for her to join William and I for a meal over the weekend or to hang out for a bit, to break up her weekend if she is alone.

When she responds, that she is finding it all really hard, I even offer her to come back after work and have him over night. On my weekend! Why? Because I know how much it hurts. I know how much you can miss having your son with you, especially when you have no one else.

I hope for just one second she realizes that I’m still that person that she fell in love with and that I’m not the monster trying to rip her son from her hands.

Sidenote: My next post will not be about my divorce... I promise.

Anxious

2010-04-23T22:27:00.001-03:00

I am very anxious right now. I think everything is just starting to hit me that soon I will be a divorced man. Something I never saw for myself and not something I think I am even really ready for. And in reality, who sees themselves getting divorced? But me? I was always someone who followed the expected path. I graduated high school, went onto university, started a career, got married, bought a house and had my first child. Now my life is all but on track... well at least not on that track anymore.

This week I had to meet with my lawyer to prepare for the final stages before the divorce becomes final. I brought in my paystubs and my latest tax filing and we spoke of the final issues I have with the corollary relief judgement, which is supplied to the judge along with the divorce filing. While I was there my lawyer tried to call the opposing lawyer to set up a four way meeting, in an attempt to resolve the final issues. I guess we just wait now to see whether a meeting can take place, and whether anything can be accomplished. In the last two years, there has been a lot of stalling and needless attempts to bully me into giving up most of my rights. And somehow I have gotten thru it all, but being faced with this meeting is not something I feel prepared for. I know I have the strength to get thru anything, but I don’t know how to give myself a pep talk for this one, especially now that I have this feeling in me.

Sure it’s been almost two years since my wife moved out of our home, but every single day and night I think about her. I think about it would be like if we got back together. I know I have mentioned it before, and I know it’s not a real possibility, and even if it happened there is no way it would work. Surely, the last two years have damaged us to an extent that even under the perfect circumstances, we could never move past these last two years.

But I do, truly, want my old life back. I made the mistake tonight of looking thru old photos. I also started thinking about my family tree and how I don’t have the family I once did. And it’s my fault. Sure neither of us was a perfect spouse; we both had things we needed to work on, but ultimately there are three words I said to her, that will forever have changed my life. Words that I honestly wish I had kept to myself. What if that was the biggest mistake of my life?

I am sure my therapist would say that I am still in the grieving process and that the actual divorce proceedings is a marker that I should have know would cause all of these feelings to rush to the surface, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. So what? I’m normal... yippee!

My heart hurts. It’s Friday night and I’m alone. In order to not sit home alone all night I went to the mall for a bit. I rented a movie, to try and distract myself, but so far, no dice.

I just hope, that after the ink dries on the divorce papers, that we can somehow find a place where we can at least be friends. And I’m not kidding myself into thinking it will be a normal friendship, but at least to a degree that we are no longer reading between the lines or are being over paranoid that the other is up to something. Maybe just friends enough that instead of only texting each other, she will answer my phone calls and talk to me. She was my best friend for half my life...

Update: It's now Monday morning, and all weekend I have thought back to this post. I have thought numerous times of deleting it, because really, does anyone want to read some of my most inner thought? And then I thought... you know what? It's my true feelings, and I shouldn't be ashamed to share those with anyone, and hey this is cheaper than most therapists charge, right?

How to take a photo of you and your son, without the aid of another person

2010-04-18T13:00:00.001-03:00

There are many times when William and I are out and about that I wish that I had a compact camera, so that I could extend my arm and take a self-portrait of us... this is the best I have learned to do so far... hahaha.

On this day, we spent the entire day outside in the city and when we were about to wrap it up for the day I felt the surge of panick when I realized I couldn't feel my keys in my pocket. I took this pic of us (I'm in the sunglasses reflection) while we waited for a two truck come and break into my car.

Brings out the worst?

2010-04-17T22:25:00.000-03:00

Here is my random thought for today... and all because I am watching the Real Housewives of Orange County (yes, I'm a reality show junkie... and wha???)

There are those people who supposedly bring out the worst in people. There is certain situations, when we are hanging out with certain people, where our actions might be different than our norm. Perhaps, we drink more, are more outspoken, or like on the television series maybe we don't put up with as much from someone else in some sense.

My thought is that maybe those people don't bring out the worst in us, but maybe they empower us in some way. Maybe instead of allowing ourselves to be walked over, we see the trait in that other person and realize that it's okay to stand up for ourselves and emmulate it.

Reality tv... it makes you think (and I'm not even drinking).

Newly (Re)united

2010-04-17T22:02:00.000-03:00

Further to my random email post...

There has been some back and forth between the former friend and I, discussing our seperations. Our situations are different, because of the involvement we had as fathers and he has a distance issue, which keeps him from even being able to have the access I have. But we become united as a support for each other.

It's strange to think, based on our past friendship, but he needs me. He has a best friend that has let him down by not offering much support. It's surprising to me, but seeing as his wife is best friends with the ex, I guess there was probably a conversation on the subject, and he is staying more in line with his wife, from what was suggested.

I offered him my support and some of the knowledge I have gained over the last couple of years. I don't think he realizes what he is in for, but I gave him some insight that will hopefully not leave him unprepared for when things play out. I'm not fooling myself into believing that we'll talk all that often, and honestly it is not something I want. But I was very alone and know what it feels like to be on the path. I will touch base and check up on him. And if I can help him stay focused as a Dad then it's a bonus.

Random Email

2010-04-13T11:30:00.000-03:00

Last night, just before I slid into bed, I decided to take one final look at my facebook to catch up on what my friends were up to during the evening. There were the usually status updates on Dancing with the Stars, inside jokes and the occasional complaint about their kids, but what caught my attention was that I had two emails in my inbox. Strange because I had already read a couple of emails earlier in the evening and wasn't expecting any additional responses.

Initially, I thought one of them had to be from my friend who went to Mexico, sure to tell me about how much Tequila he had consumed in a challenge set by another friend, or how much food was consumed at the buffet or possibly how one day in and his roommate for the week was already treading on thin ice. But alas, the emails were not from him.

One email was from a friend from years ago, who moved away and based on their previous actions, I assumed was in hiding from years gone by. I had noticed a picture of her as a suggested friend and had emailed her just to tell her I thought she looked amazing and hoped she was doing well. The email in response was a thank you and wishing the same. No additional dialogue, which is fine, but an email I still wasn't expecting.

But the other email was very random. It was from the male half of a couple that my wife and I had been friends with in the past. A friend I had totally written off long before my marriage came apart at the seams, because I didn't feel that I was treated well in the relationship that we had. I was outgoing and tried to be his friend, but got nothing in return. I had let it bother me while it happened but wrote it off as sometimes people can just be friends on the surface, and there was nothing wrong with that.

The body of his email was about how he had heard a while ago about my seperation and that he thought of me often. That he had heard details but was sceptical about some details and chalked a lot of things up to gossip and did not let anything reflect on me. That he wondered how I was doing in the moving on process both for me personally and for William. Then he went on to tell me that he was currently in the process of seperation as well and that he would love to hear any insight I might be able to provide as a father and with the whole legal process. It was surprising.

I had heard that he had seperated and though his circumstances may be different in some ways, I think they could be similar in others. When I run home at lunch I plan on taking some time to draft an email to him and offer any guideance that I can on how to survive his divorce without giving up too much of his childrens lives and on what to expect in the process. How to deal with his ex's emotions that might heat up fights. How to protect himself and how to deal with the fall out from in-laws, family and friends. And what to look for in a lawyer if he hasn't already found one. And my opinion stays the same on this (and my ex wife will disagree); you should seek a lawyer that wants conciliation instead of fighting every issue. Cause a couple of years down the road, when emotions are in the past, you still want to be able to have a friendly relationship with the other parent. You owe that to your children, if nothing else.

Conscript

2010-04-07T22:39:00.001-03:00

It's been almost a year since I was invited by a friend of mine, Jake Owens, to take part as an extra in his short film called Conscript. That experience is responsible for me having a bit of a dream come true in being involved in a film, seeing behind the scenes and I was able to meet the majority of people who have become my regular circle of friends.

Initially, there was a child actor who was set to play the daughter of the two main characters, but when they didn't show up I got a frantic call from Jake asking to borrow William for the shoot to play their son. He ended up getting his name in the credits and from all of the comments I heard from people who watched it, William's "performance" was a tear-jerker.

Check out the trailer and the before and after sections to see some of the experience I had.

http://www.owensproductions.com/conscript.html

.

Sleep Interupted

2010-04-06T23:36:00.000-03:00

It's funny how I can outwardly be okay, but stress can poke it's ulgy head out in strange ways. And it's doing it again.

When my dad passed away I lost the ability to sleep through the night. It was strange... I went from someone who could sleep through thunder and lightning to someone who developed a strange habit of needing to use the bathroom every single night.

And when I think about it, when I was overwhelmed in my first year of university my mind would race so badly at bedtime that I thought I was losing my mind and had convinced myself that I had a brain tumor.

Now I am essentially two years into the seperation with my wife and my sleep patterns are again interupted. It can be tossing and turning and then finally reaching that level of half sleep where you are aware of where your mind is drifting, but time is passing quickly enough that you swear you must have slept for a portion of the time. Or it can be me waking up in the middle of the night in panic; looking around the bedroom for the comfort of my old life. I can't shake it.

I will always miss my life as a married man. There were issues that needed to be resolved, but I miss my wife desperately. I miss my best friend. I know that time will heal a lot of what we have gone through but right now it's hard. Please let tonight be a night full of peaceful sleep.

I love this city

2010-03-29T23:25:00.001-03:00

Having grown up just outside of Halifax, I was fortunate enough to be familiar with the city from a very young age. My dad was the type of guy that would drive different routes through the city whenever he had the chance and being the observant person I am, I learned pretty quick all the side streets to get me around traffic.

A couple of Saturdays ago, we were fortunate to have a touch of late spring weather in March. I was lucky enough to have my son that weekend and as a result we spent the majority of the day strolling the city and enjoying a few parks.

Here are a couple of shots I took in Halifax in March... I am so lucky to live in this beautiful city.

Disconnect, in our connected world

2010-03-29T15:36:00.001-03:00

When I think of how much technology has changed in the years since I graduated high school (1995), I am dumbfounded by how far we have come in a relatively short period of time. In 1995 my family did not own a computer or a cell phone. Heck we didn't even have a microwave.

And today, kids in the single digits can be seen carrying a cell phone around the neighborhood or with facebook profiles. I don't agree with that advancement, because there is a loss of innocence to some degree, but even more so are the dangers that come along with having such technology open to just about everyone.

I understand giving your child a cell phone, in the belief that you can always track down your child, but I think about when I was growing up and we never needed a cell phone. My parents knew all of our neighbors and where we were at all times. If it was supper time and I wasn't home, my Mom would call the neighbors house and ask for me to come home. There was no inability to track me down.

I am sure my opinion will change to some degree when William gets older. I can already appreciate the thought of being able to call him on times when he is with his Mom, and being able to speak with him whenever I want. Something I would love at this point in my life. But I also worry about how easy it would be for him and his friends to have conversations that their parents do not have a chance to over hear because they can take their cell phone out of earshoot of an involved parent. I was fortunate enough to have a phone in my bedroom, but my house wasn't big so my parents could have heard any conversation if they wanted, or they could pick up another extension too, for that matter.

It all boils down to disconnect, in our connected world. Parents are allowing more distance between themselves and their kids, in a world where there is already too much distance because of the fast-paced world we are raising our children in. I hope I can hold on tightly to the snuggle-bum I have now and raise him to be as connected to me in the teenage years, as he is now.

Wow... there was a tangent I didn't think I was going on today.

Dream Weaver

2010-03-25T10:59:00.000-03:00

I am one of those people who can remember their dreams when I wake up, and if I take the time to think about the dream the thoughts will stay with me most of the day. Lately I have had dreams about friends that I haven’t seen or heard from in a while and it got me thinking about how interconnected we all really are.

I have wondered throughout the years about thought-transference and whether it is really possible and happening and no one ever discusses their dreams or thoughts enough to validate whether it’s a common occurrence. Part of me cringes at the thought that someone else may be on the receiving end of my thoughts and could know my feelings, and then part of me kind of likes the thought that they may be sharing the information.

In one of the recent dreams, I ran into a former female co-worker, who I think is easily one of the kindest people I have ever met. I have searched for her on facebook but have had no luck. She had even lived in my neighborhood when I was married, but moved shortly before us, to a new home. The dream was refereshing. I hadn’t thought about her in a long time, so it was very random that she popped into my dream… or was it?

Maybe we were both having that dream. Maybe it was a common thought about not seeing each other in a while, and the conversation we were having was actually us catching up on each other’s lives. Who knows?

I learned if from my Mama

2010-03-23T23:37:00.000-03:00

The longer I am a single Dad, the more I respect my Mom for everything she did for my family.

Today for example, I got up got ready for work, ran to pick up some groceries at lunch and put in a full days work. Came home, made supper, cleaned my dishes (no dishwasher here), ran to the gym, back to the grocery store to pick up eggs and bananas, that I had for gotten earlier, ran a load of laundry, cleaned up couple of rooms, took out the garbage and recycling. And here it is 10:30 pm and I'm finally sitting down... but it's practically bedtime. This was a day without William around.

As I sit here I think about my Mom's average day, when I was young. She was up at least in the six o'clock hour. She would get her two kids up and fed, get her husband up and ready and all of us out the door. Drive us to another subdivision to our babysitters. Some days I would beg her not to leave me there... how heartbreaking would that be? Then she would work a full day, come home pick us up, make us supper, do the dishes, do a couple loads of laundry and run around doing other daily chores and helping us with homework. She faithfully read us books and tucked us in at night and had a husband who was not involved in raising his kids. And not once do I remember her complaining.

I am just hoping that enough of that has rubbed off on me. I try hard to maintain the household, doing most of the daily chores when I don't have William, so that our time together is just about us. And I try not to complain. Sure we all wish there was less work around the house to be done... but this is the part of life I think I looked forward to in some way. The part where I build a home for William.

Passing lane hero

2010-03-11T20:33:00.000-04:00

Picture it Sicily 1918... no, that's not right.

Picture it, Magazine Hill 9:05am and I'm going 100 km/hour in the right hand lane. I'm a little late for work, but I have made an arrangement at work to be a few minutes late on those mornings I drop William off at preschool. And as I look in my side mirror I see a black car coming up in the passing lane easily going 140 km/hour. Now I'm not one to pretend that I don't speed, in fact the limit along that section of highway is 90. I have had my speeding tickets before, but never for driving that fast, and not during the end of rush hour traffic into a bottle-neck of a busniess park.

I watch as he flies up next to me and past me and I think about how easily someone would die if they didn't notice him and make their way into the passing lane. And as I make my way through an overpass I see a police vehicle coming down the ramp from Bedford and think ... if only he had been 30 seconds sooner he would have seen the reckless driver, but the Police are never around when it's an idiot like that, it's always when I'm over the speed limit. HAHA!

And then I notice the police SUV cutting back and forth through the traffic and I realize that it's not coincidence, but he is in pursuit. And finally he puts on his cherries (as my Dad would have said) and pulls the driver over to the side of the road. It's a small victory, one more bad driver losing some money, points on their license and probably their license for a period of time. And I think to myself that if my son had been in the car, I would have had the conviction to to pull over behind the officer and offer to be a witness if the guy decided to fight the ticket in court.

Who knows, that officer may have been someone's guardian angel today!

Hard to get over a good job

2010-03-10T16:55:00.000-04:00

It has been over two years since I found out that I had lost my job with GMAC; March 31st will actually be the anniversary of the day I cleaned off my desk and left behind a career I thought I would have until I retired.

I was very lucky to have had the opportunity to work at GMAC. It was by chance that a co-worker at the Gap, my university part time job, was the wife of the Atlantic Regional Manager for the office and heard I was looking for a co-op placement. Next thing I know I’m being interviewed and offered a position. When that semester ended, I was offered a second work term, and then in my final year of university, I got a call from one of my previous supervisors asking if there was a chance I would come back part time. And part time is not something GMAC had ever done. It was great. Each step had earned me more experience, income to pay for another semester of university and I learned more about the automotive financing business. And upon graduation I was offered a contract and seven years and a couple of promotions later I found myself looking at a choice to move to Toronto or take a severance package.

I had been very spoiled at GMAC. I had a group of coworkers that were relatively close to my age and were easy to get along with. I had supervisors and regional managers who saw value in me, and at one point I was told I could easily go as high as I want in the company. Pair that with excessive benefits, thanks to the automotive union, which allowed me to reach five weeks of vacation and even a health care spending account over and above the amazing core plan.

Since losing that job, I have had three more. This third job seems to be one where I could have a future. The others offered me a future, but they just weren’t the right fit. But the job I have now gives me an environment where I feel my growth is possible, the money isn’t that bad and the benefits are standard in the industry. I don’t hate coming to work everyday, like I have in the past positions, but I don’t feel settled. Maybe settled isn’t the word, because I don’t feel like I should be looking for another job, but I guess it feels temporary.

Surely some of the temporary feeling is me adjusting to all of the changes that happened in my life in these last two years. Prior to that day I lost my job my life was pretty stable. Change wasn’t really something I was accustomed to.

Maybe part of it is my maturing into my thirties and realizing that I want to be passionate about my job. I know most people just go to work Monday to Friday and just push through the weeks and years to retirement, but I was always a kid who dreamt big and I always thought my job would be something I wanted to do.

And I can’t forget the fact that there are 28 years until I’m 60. Not that I want to be older than I am, but I want to retire around 60 (if not sooner). Is there anyway I can even stay in the accounting field for another 28 years? I guess only time will tell.

The best part of waking up... is not Folgers in my cup

2010-03-09T15:32:00.000-04:00

It's actually William sneaking into my bed for a snuggle.

I'm not sure what it is but for the last few weeks, when I have William over night (my access is 3 days every week on a two week rotating cycle... just in case you're wondering) I am woken up before my alarm by William crawling into bed. He has developed this habit, which I love, of coming in to snuggle for at least half an hour before it's time to start the day.

He comes in quietly, and isn't trying to stir me, he just wants to snuggle. I can drift in and out of sleep and he won't say a word. He just wraps his arm around me, or if I flip over, so my morning breath doesn't kill the poor child, he'll climb over me to snuggle back in.

I usually do wake up and we'll talk or he'll go grab his Nintendo DS and we'll play a game for a bit, before we start the day. And everytime it happens I actively think to myself that I need to take this in. That I need to cherish this moment, because a couple of months ago I was practically dressing him for preschool while his eyes were still closed in the mornings and because in a short period of time he'll be too big to want to snuggle with his ol' Dad. Life is passing me by, but I'm trying to memorize the ride.

All for him

2010-03-01T23:31:00.000-04:00

Just when I think we have reached a place of calm, something triggers my ex wife to try and exert unreasonable control over my life to a degree that is unfair and leaves me in disbelief. For anyone who knew my dad would know that he was not one to avoid conflict and to a large extent I am the same way.

I will defend myself and give it as good as I take it. But there has been a big change in my instinct to react when my seperation became one of a legal nature. I learned to bite my tongue. It's a hard thing to do and since Friday I have been biting my tongue so hard that I can taste blood. I want to lash out and tell the world the games that are being played, but alas my focus is on my actions in our divorce to be ones I will not be ashamed of. I will be able to hold my head high at the end of all of this. And all for him. I don't ever want him to learn of my actions and be disappointed in me.

I have fought hard for the shared custody I have. I am still fighting for the right of first refusal. But I am fair and above board. I have tried to negeotiate fair terms with my ex, instead of pulling in lawyers everytime.

I do it all for him.

Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made Of

2010-02-22T12:40:00.000-04:00

For years I have played with the idea of heading to New York City and taking in the sites. Well some of the sites, because really there is much more to do and see in New York that anyone could easily do in a visit, or probably even living there for six months.

Since I have taken a look at my budget and realize that going to a warm tropical island is out of reach in 2010 the idea of a long weekend in NYC is something I think could probably fit into my budget. I am someone who tends to look at hotel rooms as only places I sleep and shower, so my standards are lower than most of my friends. For that reason, I thought why not try a hostel. There are many hostels with great ratings in Manhattan with a daily cost of around $30. Sure you have to sleep in a bunk bed, in a room of probably 9 other guys, but really if I’m in New York, all I need is a bed, a locker and a clean shower. Plus, I have always envied those people who took time after high school or during the university years to tour parts of the world and use hostels exclusively. They have made enduring friendships and seen sights they couldn’t have afforded otherwise because of monetary constraints related to hotels.

I haven’t mentioned this idea to any of my friends yet, because (a) I don’t know who of my friends would be willing to hostel in their early thirties and (b) when travelling with friends I will end up seeing the things in NYC they want to see, which might not match my must-sees. Probably not a smart idea, but I am half tempted to take the trip solo and plan to meet some friends at the hostel that I can explore the city with in the evenings and during the day do my own thing.

I have started bookmarking websites to help in my planning, but really am still at the point of being overwhelmed with figuring out what my priorities are in visiting NYC, and realistic timelines for commuting between the landmarks. Then I have to really look at what flight and my must-sees will cost and see if the cost matches my budget.

If nothing else, it gives me something to get excited about and look forward to, during the grey days of winter. Hopefully my first visit to NYC will become reality this spring.

The complainers...

2010-02-17T19:43:00.000-04:00

There is something I don't get about my generation... the complaining about their kids or the inability to handle life with children. I know it's not everyone. I certainly don't... in fact, I sit in awe of how amazing my son is and want more around just like him.

But pretty much on a daily basis there is someone on my list of facebook friends who can't stand how cranky their kids are, or doesn't want to get up early to drive their child to hockey. Or there is the sister of a friend who had to take her daughter to emergency for an injury... an injury serious enough to head to emergency, and probably get stitches, but not serious enough to find a friend who was home to take care of her other child and to take the time to run to a community completely not in the same direction as the hospital, because she AND her husband didn't want to have to worry about both of their children sitting with them in emergency. And this woman is the same one who calls her Mom, who lives five hours away and says meet me halfway, I need a week without my daughter. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What is wrong with parents?

What happened to wanting to spend time with your children? When parents had an opportunity to stay home with their kids today on a snow day, why were their thoughts about how their kids were under their feet all day, and not let's get outside and make great memories sledding down hills? The one other day we had enough snow here for the kids to enjoy, I was lucky enough to be off for the day and had my son. In that day we packed in hours of being outside laughing, building snowmen (as you see in the pic just prior to this post) and sledding. It's surely a day my son will remember and I think I had as much fun as he did. And really, maybe that is why William is a well behaved child... because his parents spend time with him having fun, instead of him acting out to try and get our attention.

Children are a blessing. William was our miracle who came a month early and it was five years ago today. I remember vividly seeing him for the first time and hope I never slip into the complaining trap most of my peers have. On the day he was born I promised to be the best father I could... and five years in I think I'm doing okay... but I'm a work in progress and will strive to be better for the rest of my life.

HAPPY 5th Birthday William!

Someone is almost 5!

2010-02-07T19:40:00.002-04:00

When William turned four he refused to accept the change. If he was asked how old he was, at any point in the last year he would say he was three, cause it was his favorite number. Now that he's almost five and five means going to big boy school, he's all ready to embrace the change, and this year, I'm not! He's three!!

Oh my aching back

2010-02-05T21:33:00.000-04:00

This week began as any other. My alarm began to sound at 8am and I jumped into the shower. Followed by a quick breakfast and ironed my clothes. Nothing really out of the ordinary with the exception of my Mom being in the house.

And then, after brushing my teeth and grabbing another look in the mirror before heading for the front door, I felt a twinge in my back. It wasn't caused by twisting or any sort of snap, just a twinge that felt wrong. I didn't think much of it, because I'm not one to really have any back problems.

Then as the hour progressed my back became more sore and it effected my ability to walk. I thought back to my weekend to see if maybe I had done anything to hurt myself. Hmm... Friday I worked all day and went to the gym, on the way out to my car I do remember maybe a slight pinch in my back, but then I went onto dance the night away without incident. Saturday was pretty unremarkable; I went to the mall and then spent the night vegging and watching junk reality tv until finally around 9pm I decided to catch a movie in the theatre. And Sunday was pretty routine. I got up, showered, cleaned the house and caught a yoga class while waiting for my Mom to come into the city.

I managed to make it through the work day Monday. But that night I had to give in and admit the pain was not normal. I spent the evening with Mom and William and a heating pad. And everytime I would leave the room without the heating pad, William would grab it and hold it against my back as I walked. Such a good helper.

The next morning I took William to preschool and then headed to a medical clinic. It was early so there weren't many people ahead of me. I got in and the doctor got me to remove my shirt and could immediately tell that the right side of my back was spasmed. He wrote perscriptions for an anti-inflammatory and a muscle relaxant. He said if it didn't help then I should go to my family doctor and get narcotics. I got the perscriptions filled and headed home to rest. And by rest I mean, throw chili in the slowcooker and then spend the afternoon with heat on my back. Wednesday morning wasn't any better. I had to take William to the IWK Children's Hospital for his TRIGR study appointment (TRIGR is a study where they are testing children who have the markers on their genes for Diabetes and are testing the effect of cows milk in the first six months of life, on whether they develop the disease). I then foolishly went to work and tried to get into the routine but sadly the muscle relaxants made me more drowsy and I had to pack it up an hour into the day.

I figured that heat and rest wasn't taking care of the problem, so I booked a massage. I went in and explained my problem and asked the massage therapist to work for the entire hour on my back. Most of the time I was fighting to stay awake, but occasionally she would hit a sensitive area and I would wince in pain. When it was over she told me to take my time getting up and she would meet me in the sitting area outside the room. Trying to turn over was my first indicaiton that I was in trouble. It took me probably five minutes to even get to a sitting position. Then dressing myself was the next challenge. It hurt so bad I thought of calling out for help and gave up on trying to bend close enough to my feet to get my socks on. I finally managed and walked out to the therapist who explained what she felt and recommended I come back within the week. And as I turned the corner I remembered the huge set of stairs I had to climb to get out of the place. It was pain beyond anything I have ever know. I struggled to lift my feet high enough to get up one stair. I was in severe pain and it was much worse than when I went into the massage.

Somehow I got up the stairs, paid for my massage, got my coat and headed out to my car. I barely got my legs both into my car and then I exploded into tears. I was in more pain than I ever thought possible. I was at the point where I was trying to lift my legs with my hands instead of muscles because it hurt too much... and of course I drive a standard. After about ten minutes of a self-pep-talk I suffered through the pain enough to drive home, crawl up the stairs and laid flat on the floor for hours.

Thankfully, it was a situation where it had to get worse before it got better. By morning Thursday I was feeling substantially better, but figured another day at home was probably a smart choice, so I wouldn't ruin my weekend with William. And thanks to the muscle relaxants I slept most of the day away, and luckily had a friend bring me sushi for supper.

Althought I'm not back to 100%, I am a million miles away from when I was leaving my massage. I wish it hadn't meant my skipping the gym this week, because when I am not active my eating also takes a turn for the worse, but the rest is worth it to heal.

I now have a new respect for those out there with chronic paralyzing back pain. It's something you feel head to two and incapacitates you more than anything else. I just wish I had an answer as to why it happened. I really don't think it was the yoga, since I have been doing it for almost a year, and really didn't push myself any harder in the Sunday class. Perhaps there is someone out there with a voodoo doll I don't know about. Haha.

Friday night in Halifax

2010-01-31T01:19:00.001-04:00

Last night I left work on time, headed to the mall to find a purple shirt and then headed home, to get my gym gear. I packed my bag, went back out into the freezing cold and headed to the gym to do an hour (which ended up being 45 minutes total) of running on the treadmill.

I change out of my sweaty clothes, grab subway and head home, scarf down half my sub before heading into a steamy shower. Now, it doesn't matter how many showers I have a day, it's one of the best parts of my day. I like it hot, no cold water turned on at all by the time my body adjusts. I took longer in the shower than expected.

Quickly check my facebook, as I decide between the two purple shirts I bought, and three of my favorite pairs of jeans until my look is right. Add cologne, product to my hair, floss and brush my teeth and get the hell out of the house. I stop at the liquor store, grab a bottle of gin and some mojos cause I hate mixing drinks at other's places. Cross the bridge and am proactive and park in a parkade, because of the winter parking ban in the city.

I practically run the four blocks to South Street because of the bitter cold, wondering how homeless people would ever survive on the streets on a night like this. And finally I arrive at my friend's place 45 minutes late; I easily would have been on time if I skipped the gym, but I am glad I stayed dedicated on a Friday night to my goals.

I get inside and the room has about 12 people all wearing purple shirts. I quickly crack my first drink and jump into the conversations. It's such an easy group of people to hang out with. Everyone genuinely like each other. There is no gossipping about each other behind anyone's back. It's a group that just want to have a good time and enjoy each other's company.

At almost midnight we head out to a couple of bars, take in more drinks and dance for hours. Music is pumping, people are smiling, making out, dancing on speakers... well my group are a little more tame, but it happens. And around 4am I am just unlocking the door and dragging my tired ass to bed... Friday nights are good in Halifax! And it's strange that here I am in this circle of friends that I didn't know a year ago. I'm not their friend because I am someone's accessory. I am their friend because they like me for me. And that does more for this 32 year old's self-esteem than I can explain.

During my seperation I lost friends, who obviously were more my ex's friend than mine. Looking back they liked me mainly because I was my wife's husband and that if it had just been me, then maybe we wouldn't have been friends at all. It used to upset me that I was lost those friends, but now I have come full circle and have my own friends without any baggage and just out for a good time. All part of the healing process.

If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck...

2010-01-28T15:34:00.000-04:00

The statement I put into my header today is a thought I try never to allow to enter my consciousness. There are people around me that think that way, and in fact it was something my father had paraphrased throughout the years.

I agree that coincidence can make it seem that people have good or bad luck, or that things can happen in threes, but I refuse to believe that anyone has bad luck. I don't want to believe it. I think if you look for the negative enough, you are surely going to find it, so why look?

I am a pretty positive person. Sure I have down times and have hit rock bottom, but I think I tend to see the glass as half full. I think if you live negatively long enough it can and will also affect (I never learned the affect/effect difference, so if it's wrong I apologize... and bring grammer lessons back to grade school) your health and manifest into things like cancer. And I am not saying that everyone who has cancer has it because of negativity, I'm just saying that if you live negatively enough, your health will take a turn for the worse.

Anyway... just a random thought that crossed my mind, because my 2009 ended on a sad note, and then a missed phone call has brought some worry of a family member's health but I refuse to be that person that says... well things happen in threes so it's got to be bad... or when will it end, 2010 sucks... because I believe 2010 is actually a great year ahead of me. I have picked myself up over the few months and I feel like I'm pretty much at full strength. Rebuilding is going to make me better than ever; a Jeff 2.0 if you will.

Positive thoughts folks... positive thoughts.

Social Committee

2010-01-27T14:56:00.000-04:00

So in an effort to combat my initial shyness at work (I guess I shouldn't be shy, having been here five months) I decided to join the social committee. They were rotating members, and I have participated as a member at previous employers, so I thought why not? It will allow me to get to know the team members better and it will force me to go to these events I tend to shy away from in my first year of employment.

Well our first meeting was last week and I learned we are mandated to have four events every year. A spring event, summer event, a staff Christmas party and children's Chirstmas party. Can I start by saying that it's great that we call the latter two events Christmas parties? Not that I am intolerant of other beliefs, but if there's a Christmas tree in the room then why can't people call it a Christmas party?

There are five of us on the committee, one of which is the overweight man I mentioned in an earlier post, and he nominated himself as the Chair. I think I underestimated his weight in that earlier post; now that I have watched a few episodes of the Biggest Loser, I now think he's at least in the 470 lb range. And as if his size wasn't big enough, now I find that his point of view is just as big. He definitely likes to take the lead, but unfortunately in doing so he goes in multiple directions and nothing gets accomplished. Thankfully he was receptive to my interjections that would get us to commit to making action items. I'm only two meetings in, and already I fear this is going to be a long year of planning.

So while discussing possible things to do for our spring event he starts talking about how much he enjoys poker and every Wednesday night he plays at Dooley's and that should be our event. A couple of other members suggest things like Kartbahn, which is an indoor go-cart track, or a movie, or a pubcrawl, but the chair pretty much has it settled in his head that we are doing the poker and pool afternoon and is going to call to see what kind of deal he can get... and maybe they will throw in chicken wings and friend pepperoni. Needless to say, when I am up against someone like that I tend to not allow anyone to get pushed around, and I will come up with a couple ideas, research pricing and will present it at our next meeting.

Part of the reason I joined was because with my past employers, the social committee was really key in developing friendships within the office and allowed us to interact with management on a relaxed level, which I think facilitated a better work environment. I know strong opinions are a natural occuring thing, but I am going to work hard, and will be the asshole if need be, to have events that everyone would enjoy and not just a small group of people.

I'm not saying that people won't enjoy poker. In fact strip-poker has been a lot of fun in the past. But I think a certain amount of concensus is required or people won't show up to the events. If in our small group of five there are three other people providing options than each of those options need equal consideration. At least until budget comes into play, than I might have to put my foot down... cause I'm the treasurer and we all know that money is the deciding factor.

Am I really moving 4ward?

2010-01-26T12:46:00.000-04:00

It’s been the better part of two years since my wife and I separated. Almost two years. In some ways that time has passed very quickly and in other ways the time has ticked by more slowly than imaginable.

There hasn’t been a day that has passed in those twenty months where I didn’t ask myself what-if. And usually when the what-if hits me, in my head I think out the scenario of what would happen if we got back together.

And most nights while sleeping, just before I close my eyes, or sometimes when I wake up at 4am I think, how did my life get here? How did my life that followed the path I had wanted take such a turn? How did I go from having almost everything to having almost nothing?

I don’t want to sound down, although today I definitely feel like if I don’t kick myself in the ass then I could easily slip into depression. It’s just that I think I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head. I haven’t seen my therapist in a year and I don’t want to have to call him up and ask for an appointment after all this time. So I’m going to put this in a public forum and imagine that my therapist is sitting across from me taking notes and listening.

There has been a lot of hurt caused by both sides, but over the last four months or so, I feel like I need to explain certain things to my wife. Give her some insight into my thinking process throughout the last couple of years. Maybe it will eventually be used against me, maybe it will bring her some peace, maybe it will bring us to a better working relationship as parents, but I feel like there are things that need to be said. Because after all she was my best friend and I have hurt her and if I can somehow now help her heal a bit then any risk is worth it.

I know part of me lives in a fantasy world that we can be friends again. She has let hurt and anger enter her body so deeply that she forgets who I really am sometimes. But maybe sometimes she does recognize me until some of her family stoke the fire until it’s blazing again and she pushes those feelings away. And I know part of that anger is her protecting herself; but then there are the days where we email back and forth or she shows that she cares and it gives me hope that there’s a chance for friendship.

I hate that two years ago our lives were turned upside down and we can’t go back. I hate that I lost my best friend, possibly (and likely) forever. I hate that everyday I wake up and don’t really recognize my life.

2010 started and I was surrounded by friends, most of which I had met in 2009, but I felt very alone. I made a decision in those first few hours that I was going to rebuild myself and part of that process is me dealing with the residual pain and confusion. And although I don’t want this blog to be all about my therapy, there will be entries periodically where I need to talk about the process. I hope anyone reading doesn’t mind.

I got the itch

2010-01-19T12:33:00.000-04:00

Ever year around this time I get that itch... the one I so desperately want to scratch. The itch to book a trip to some tropical location where the beaches are white... the trees are palms... the ocean is warm enough to swim in... and I don't have to cook or clean for a week.

I am trying to talk myself out of even looking at prices, but sadly I have already done so on several occasions. I know I shouldn't spend the money, that paying down debt is the more responsible thing to be doing... but the idea of being on a beach for a week with William is intoxicating.

I am doing my best not to call a travel agent to see exactly how much it would cost for William's trip (since most carriers tease you with the "kids stay and eat free" and I'm sure it's almost full price).

Don't tell me how nice it would be for my Mom to come with us and escape the reality of life right now either... don't do it.

And don't tell me that I work hard and deserve one week of careless relaxation, where I only worry about which place to eat at and when to apply more suntan lotion.. or that the only papercut I could possibly get is from reading a novel. And I already have The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown waiting to be read on vacation... and I read Angels and Demons last year in the DR and couldn't put it down.

Oh lottery Gods (I know there are no lottery Gods...) when will I win some money... I'm not asking for a lot. Just $100,00.00 or so. I don't need a million or 13 million or whatever crazy number it is right now. Just enough to pay off my debt, take my family on a great vacation and have the better part of a house paid off. See I'd even be responsible and share...

Okay... back to work for me.

Quick Christmas Post

2010-01-12T12:34:00.001-04:00

Anyone who has learned that my Grandmother passed away during Christmas vacation automatically assumes that it ruined our Christmas, but it didn't. This was actually one of the best Christmases that I have had in a long time.

My sister, Annette, flew in on Christmas Eve, surprising my Mom and Grandmother. It ended up that she could get the time off and the flight was reasonably priced so she told me she was coming and we made some plans to surprise the ladies. Annette called from her cell phone when she arrived on our street. I spoke for a second and passed the phone to my Mom. I immediately went and grabbed the videocamera and then there was a knock on the front door. I answered and videoed the reaction my Mom had when she turned around and Annette was there... and I'm hoping I got Grammie's reaction too.

That night we had ham for supper, tried making Chocolate Martinis for Annette and Mom and then went for a drive to look at Christmas lights. Mom and William were competing to see who had "more on my side". Then William decided to fall asleep in the car and we continued to enjoy the colored lights. I had planned on snacks and watching Disney's Christmas Carol with William but instead he was in bed early. The adults enjoyed some snacks and drinks and then headed to bed.

Annette was on an air mattress on William's bedroom floor and I was sharing his single bed (surprisingly not a bad night's sleep). He woke up around five in the morning and wanted some OJ but went right back to sleep. And around 7:30 we woke up, and William said he wanted some more sleep, but by 8 I had him talked into seeing what Santa had brought.

It was great for us all to be under one roof. Passing out presents and seeing William's excitement. And I couldn't get over how appreciative he was for all he received, even clothes. He kept saying how many presents Mom and Annette had bought him.

I know that Grammie enjoyed seeing William's excitement. She would laugh everytime he would pull a couple of gags on people (a can of chips with a snake that pops out when you open it, and a pack of gum with a cockroach on the stick of gum when you pull it out). So there's no reason to think of sadness when I think of Christmas this year. It was one I will always cherish because it we were all together for a change. I guess maybe fate played a part.

Facebook might be taking over my life

2010-01-11T13:02:00.000-04:00

I guess I could be called a bit of a facebook addict. It was more of an issue when I was a civil servant, because I had access while at work, and less work to be done, but I still find it hard to go a day without logging in at least once and catching up on what everyone has been up to.

One thing I don't like about facebook is the fact that when someone unfriends you for any reason, including them closing down their facebook account, you don't have any notification. I know it's probably to avoid a certain level of conflict that people may start if someone unfriends them in a time of anger or just doesn't care, but part of me wants to know who leaves my friend list. I think it would be my need to try and correalate the reason for the departure with a recent event. I don't like it when I lose a friend, according to my friend count, and I can't figure out who is gone.

And another part of facebook that is rather strange is the ability to recognize people that are friends of friends, but because of seeing them in photos with friends, you almost feel like you would know them. You somehow get this vibe from them that they would be a great friend, all because they know how to pose in front of a digital camera. Strange. What is even worse is being drunk, seeing one of these friends-of-a-friend and for some reason introducing yourself to them on the dancefloor. What was I thinking?? At least two of the people around this friend-of-a-friend found me attractive... although one of them was a little too grabby for my liking. Oh the fun of drinking public in Halifax.

Why do all good things come to an end?

2010-01-08T14:42:00.001-04:00

Death has a strange way of making you realize your mortality. It has a way of forcing to look in the mirror and examine your past and present states and sometimes it can change your outlook on the future.

This week we laid my Grammie Spurr to rest. She was my last Grandparent and for me it was strange to realize that I now no longer have anyone from that generation that I am physically carrying a piece (DNA) of.

My Mom asked me if I wanted to say a eulogy at the funeral. I, of course, accepted because I figured it meant enough to my Mom for her to ask me to do it. But my first thought was whether or not there had been one for my Grandfather. I would have been honored to have spoken about him, but there is no way I would have been able to speak during his funeral. He’s the one person I will never get over. I choke up every time I think about it.

I sat at my Grandparent’s dining room table for a couple of days this weekend past and came up with portions of what I wanted to say but couldn’t get the flow I wanted and knew I needed to make myself proud of the thoughts I wanted to share. And then it all just became too much. I think the reality of it all set in and I couldn’t face the idea. The thought of my poor Mother sitting in the first pew as I read the eulogy was more than I knew I could handle. I ended up declining and allowing the minister to share some words about my Grandmother.

I will just say these few things about my maternal Grandmother. She was a strong willed woman who was the happiest when her family was with her. She made sure she always had molasses cookies in her pantry when I was young, and made the best home-made bread. She always wanted to look her best and hated to be late and believed a person was strongest when part of a family. She will never be forgotten.

Sidenote: I am always reminded when I am at my Grandparent’s house, whether through pictures or stories I hear, that life was very different in those few generations before mine. The family unit was strong but always had time for each other. The community supported each other and although they worked hard, life was simple and they had fun. I have said it before… I think this rat-race we find ourselves in today is all wrong.

Favorite Christmas Memory 2009

2009-12-18T13:17:00.001-04:00

Christmas is still a week away and I already have my favorite Christmas memory for 2009. It actually happened last Saturday, December 12th. My Mom was in the city to do some Christmas shopping and spend some time with me getting the house ready for Christmas, and of course she made sure that she was in the city on a weekend that I had William.

That day was started early for me, with less than five hours of sleep because of a Christmas party I attended that spilled over into a bar until sometime after 3am. I was a little dizzy and probably still over the legal limit for alcohol so I wasn’t driving. We packed up Mom’s car and headed out to do some shopping and around supper time stopped at a make-shift tree lot to pick out our Christmas tree. When it was delivered I propped it up in the stand and gave it a ton of water while we ate supper and dug out the decorations (of which a huge box is still missing).

That evening we decorated the tree and snacked while a Christmas cartoon played in the background. William claimed the left-most side of the tree as his and kindly reminded me that it was his side any time I tried to put an ornament on his side. We cleaned up and then sat down to watch Polar Express, as it came on tv. It was Mom’s first time seeing the movie but one of my favorites even though Tom Hanks does many of the character’s voices in it.

It was in the final half hour that William decided to climb up in my lap and watch the end of the movie. It was nearing 11pm and we were all quite tired. And as the last commercial break came on William laid his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes. When the movie came back on, they opened; he watched the final scene and then closed his eyes again. He was out for the night.

I find it hard to believe anything else could top my list in 2009.

My new addiction

2009-12-15T09:33:00.001-04:00

So I have an addiction, which I have mentioned on here before, but I haven’t gone into any detail. I love hot yoga and would go every day if my schedule would allow it. LOVE IT! I feel like I need to be the spokesperson for Moksha Yoga.

I ended up trying yoga back in the spring shortly after becoming friends with a local filmmaker Jake. He had been going for some time and thought it might be something I would be interested in and since my life is very different than it was a couple of years ago and I have periods of time where I’m alone a lot, I decided that I was more than willing to try something new.

I had not tried yoga before, but had some idea of what to expect. The part I didn’t expect was that hot yoga was so hot. I believe I was told the room is held at 98 degrees, 50 percent humidity. So when you first walk into the darkened studio and lay down in savasana to calm your mind and wait for class to begin, you already can feel your heart rate quicken, as your body adjusts to the heat. And during the class you sweat unlike anything you can imagine. I’m talking drops of sweat dripping constantly off your body. More sweat than I thought was humanly possible.

The first class I went to was a 60 minute class and from the completion of the class I knew I was hooked. I loved that once you entered the room and went through the series of postures your mind has no time to wander to other topics that can distract you from the rest of your day. While in that studio you have escaped the reality of your life and are brought back to basics; listening to your body and focusing on breath and balance.

And here I am almost a year into practicing and I still cannot get over the improvement in my body. Now, I haven’t lost much if any weight, because that really hasn’t been my focus, but I have noticed toning in my arms, my hips are more loose and my posture overall has been improved, most dramatically while sitting at my desk at work. I also love that you only push yourself as much as you want. There are no expectations put on you, although if you’re like me you push yourself a little harder in some area every class. And another thing that keeps me going back is that I feel it in my muscles every time I leave the class.

So, I certainly endorse hot yoga. I have taken a number of friends to the class already and have at least four more who want to give it a try after the holidays. One of my closest friends was going thru a very emotional break up and couldn't keep from crying and I took her with me. As I drove her home after the class she told me that it was exactly what she needed, An hour that she didn't think about her ex. And if anyone reading this has a Moksha or similar hot yoga studio around you, I ask you to just try it once and see what you think (but drink a ton of water before you go).

Doesn't get more wrong than this...

2009-12-08T23:08:00.000-04:00

So it's now 11pm and I just finished watching the season finale of The Biggest Loser. It's not a show I watch but there was nothing else on tv to watch and I wanted something easy to watch as I ate pizza. Isn't that terrible? A McCain frozen, throw in the oven pizza. Probably the same type of thing those contestants did for years, that got them to the 400 lbs and their spot on the show.

Now in my defense, the reason I'm eating so late is because I worked until 7pm, was home half an hour before heading to hot yoga for the 8:30 class. I sweated my ass off and pushed myself hard enough that I already feel it in my arms and back. So even though not ideal to eat this late, or to eat pizza versus a salad or soup, I kind of earned it and will not be on my way to the Biggest Loser.