So it's 1 am and I got in from a date about half an hour ago. It's a guy I've dated casually for the last couple of weeks and if I was open to it, I think the potential is very strong that this guy could become a boyfriend. But that is not going to happen. And it's not going to happen for two reasons.
Reason 1. I don't want to be a boyfriend right now. I don't want to lose myself again. I don't want to give up the majority of my free time. I don't want to life the life where I am constantly in a race to get from work to someone. I don't want to have two separate lives... the one with my son and the one with my boyfriend. I still want to work on myself. I have fitness goals I did not reach by my birthday and I want to see what level I can reach.
Reason 2. I am sick of the bullshit. That's a very general statement and it's because I'm pissed off that it's even a reason, but here's the deal...
I met this guy face-to-face a few weeks ago at a bar. Cheers to be exact. It was a gay event being held and I was out with friends and knew he would be there. We had chatted some before going so we both had planned on at least a hello.
Well that night we said hello. That was it. An acknowledgement. And it was enough for me. I was having fun with my friends and he was with his. But come to find out one specific person, a former friend, told him to avoid me and that I was nothing but trouble. And when did I find this out? On my first date with this guy, the next week.
We met for a beer and he explains what had transpired. I was instantly deflated. I sat there with a full glass in front of me and no escape plan in place. I looked out at the faces of passers-by wondering how I would ever get thru the date. How I could somehow explain that I was a good person no matter what was said and that if he had any knowledge of the source that should be all the explanation he would need. But somehow I talked myself into turning my mindset around and prove this guy wrong. And it was a success. Not only did I survive the beer, but the evening carried on for a few more hours and upon dropping the guy off I got a request for a second date before I even got my car in the driveway.
Fast forward a couple of weeks to tonight and again over a beer, before a movie, I was told that my name came up the weekend before by another guy in the group of former friends. And obviously I use the term friend very loosely. This time it was said that I had cheated on my ex and that is why we broke up.
Where is the logic? I was the one to dump the ex-boyfriend. I was the one who cut him out of my life. I was the one who told him to leave me out of his drama. I was the one who was begged to take him back. I was the one who was told that if I EVER changed my mind and wanted him back, even if he was in a new relationship then he would dump them for me in a heartbeat. Where in all of that is the logic that matches to me being a cheater?
But my reaction was that I was completely gutted. I actually wanted to put hands to face to cover the tears that were about to erupt. How can it be that after such a long span of time it can still be important to try and hurt me? That I can still be a thought in any of their minds. I don't get it. It would be one thing to try and ruin my reputation at the time I dumped him, in order to salvage any of his own reputation... but so much time has passed I should just be a faint memory. I don't get it.
Instead I just said... I'm trying to be the bigger person here and I don't want to go into details but I could prove the opposite is true. And I thought to myself... clearly my actions match my story. I'm a stand up guy who is not trying to get into the drama and I have nothing to prove to anyone. I was a catch of a boyfriend to this guy at the time and I'm more of a catch now that I've grown so much over the last couple of years. And I am a strong believer in that a person's true colors will always show if given enough time.