Sunday, March 27, 2011

Found: One early-thirties guy with his shit together

It's been almost three years since I came out and my life crumbled before my eyes.  And on March 11th my divorce became final.  That chapter of my life is officially over according to a few pieces of paper and thousands of dollars.

I feared the day it all became final because I thought it would throw me for a tail-spin, even though I knew the day was coming.  But when my ex-wife mentioned to me that it was finalized I was saddened but there was also a sense of having been desensitized to the reality because we've been living apart for so long.  

The road has been a long one to get to today but one thing I gained from all of this pain and loneliness is that I have truly found myself.  This period of time, being a single adult man has given  me a true sense of self and clarity that I don't think I have ever had.

I was known to most people as part of a couple for half my life.  I was the type of guy who fit into a mold and followed the logical path in life and never wanted to inconvenience anyone else.  Then one day I wasn't someone who followed the life path that so many take.  I struggled with my own identity and had to fight for the rights to even see my son on regular schedule.

And in walking this new path, I had to develop my own new community.  I had to find new friends and develop a support system.  And I had to be okay with sleeping alone, in an empty house and eat meals by myself.  The silence was deafening and I'm sure I showed signs of depression.

I was lucky to find a few key people who have given me tools to be okay.  One of those people was a guy named Jake who introduced me to hot yoga.  Hot yoga has become a way for me to escape the outside world and focus simply on breath and heartbeat and I leave the studio feeling renewed and with a sense of peace.  I know it sounds clich├ęd but it's true.  

Time has also been a vehicle that has helped me gain some clarity.  I know I'm a good person.  I know I have a lot to offer anyone I have a relationship with.  And I'm completely capable of being a single man.  I've always been a man who cooked and cleaned, but I can now say that I'm a man who has created a comfortable home for my son.  And this passing of time has allowed me to transition from fearing my days/weekends without William to someone who made the most of that time by catching up on chores that may have slipped, catching up with friends, or spending a Friday night being lazy on the couch because the 5:45 wake up times had caught up to me.  It's okay to be alone; I'm independent and perhaps that is a trait that my son will notice and incorporate into his own development.  

Three years ago I don't think I would predict that I would be where I am right now.  I think I would have predicted that I'd still be struggling to find a new equilibrium, but I'm happy to say I survived and came out the other side knowing myself better than I ever have.  I have a strength inside me that I underestimated and although I don't want to be single forever, I know it's okay.  And I've set certain standards for myself in hopes of never losing myself again.

Sure I still have some work to do but I know I will be okay.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I can handle it

Well I've survived the first week at my new job and I love it.  I'm working in tower 1 of Purdy's Wharf, which are landmark buildings on the waterfront of Halifax.  Just walking thru the pedways on the way to the office makes me excited to work there.  I love walking amongst the business suits heading to work with their coffee in hand.  It's strange but I feel like this is what I expected to experience after graduating with my commerce degree.  I thought I would be around people with high-power careers not working in an industrial park like my last stint.  And not that I have any issue with working in an office out of the downtown core, but the feeling I have just walking to work is one I expected after forking out tens of thousands of dollars to Dalhousie University.

The office itself has about 70 employees and I've met most of the staff, other than the majority of the lawyers. The staff are all very friendly and seemed to look forward to working with me.  The position I hold is Financial Analyst and it's a newly created position.  That means a couple of things: initially the duties I have are not completely settled and more importantly it gives me a great opportunity to develop the position and responsibilities into a career I will love to excel at.  And just thru speaking with the women currently working in the accounting department I feel like there is a lot of opportunities for me to improve functionality and efficiency within the office.  My major hurdle, I believe will be gaining their acceptance in changing things they have done for years; but I've turned on the charm and hope my shining (you can laugh) personality will help gain their respect enough to be accepting of my suggestions.

I'm also very much looking forward to digging into this position because I'm surrounded by people who are eager to excel in their careers and that feeling is contagious.  I haven't felt the excitement of climbing the corporate ladder since I started working at GMAC while in uni.  It truly is a new beginning to my career and exactly what I needed in my life.  

I know my feelings for the position are not going to stay this way forever; that the dust will settle and some Mondays I will have to drag myself from bed to get to work.  But for now I'm going to live in the moment of excitement because it's giving my life a positive direction I desperately needed.