Facebook crush is now a facebook friend

So I accepted the dares and sent a facebook friend request.  I waited until after Mother's day because I had a family vacation pic, from Mexico, and I didn't want him to flat out think I was straight.  Bahahaha... probably one of the first times in life I wanted someone's first impression of me to be a gay man.

So I posted this iPhone self-portrait...

 cause it's just an everyday pic of me really.

And within probably 12 hours I had a new friend.  To say that I instantly got a huge smile on my face was an understatement.  Not because I'm delusional and think that there's any sort of mutual attraction, but because the dare and subsequent risk paid off.

I emailed Jody and she gave me a few words of inspiration "You never know what might happen if you don't take a chance. We often don't regret the things we do, it's the things we don't that leave us wondering 'what if'"

And so I took a bit of time to draft an email that explained the reason he got my request... but without (hopefully) sounding psycho.  I left out the crush part.  And kind of asked him to look me up next time he's in town, in a passive way.

He replied almost instantly, thanking me for the explanation and telling me to let him know if I ever make it to Montreal.  And strangely, or maybe a little fate could be intervening, a couple of days ago my cousin asked me to drive with him to TO when he moves at the end of the month and we planned on staying in Montreal one night to live it up.  Now I guess I might get to at least have a coffee if he's not tied up.

Better book a camp site

In probably February or March William mentioned that he wanted to go camping.  It's something we had done at the end of the summer 2009 with my sister and some friends.  And we were even lucky enough to have my Mom and an Aunt swing by for an evening to enjoy supper and the camp fire.  

And being the Dad that I am, I decide sure, why not camp on a weekend my son wants to?  It may be winter but sometimes by just making a few adjustments you can make some great memories and that's exactly what I did.

While William was watching tv I went downstairs and grabbed the four man tent and a couple sleeping bags.  It was a VERY tight squeeze but I managed to set up a camp site in the living room and we made believe we were outdoors.  Even adjusting my nightly ritual to adjust a saying to suit our wilderness surroundings.  "Nighty night... don't let the black bear bite."  

William thought it was great and it really took no effort at all... and I have no doubt when he's a Dad some day he'll think back on that memory and realize that it's the little things that can have the biggest impact.

There was one residual part of that camping trip that has yet to go away and that's the sleeping bag.  William has slept in it every night he's stayed here since.  Sure he may, on occasion, slip off his bed onto the floor thru the night (which is very worrisome to me), but he's happy and he's still using him imagination to pretend he's camping.

This summer we'll have to make sure we get at least one weekend in...

What am I? A 15 year old girl?

It's that time of the year when animal instincts take over and people start hooking up like they're the only one in the world responsible for the survival of the species.  Around these parts two couples have broken up recently and from accounts of last Saturday night there was a lot of hook up activity going on in Halifax.  

Me on the other hand?  I'm like that 15 year old insecure girl.  I spent my weekend with a sick little boy at home watching reality television and checking out homes on MLS, trying to keep my financial goals in check.  Oh right, the 15 year old girl part... I've become the expert at having facebook crushes.  And my favorite are those guys who leave albums open so I can get multiple looks at friends of friends... or even just friends in one case.  

Anyway, today, while checking out the guest list of an upcoming gathering (that one of the recently broken up gents is throwing Friday night) I noticed one person has declined the event.  Since he was cute I decided to check out his profile.  Turns out that I quasi know this guy.  Well in reality I don't know him at all, but we have multiple friends in common, and he attended a rival high school.  And oddly enough, a couple of summers ago, while partying in Montreal with a cousin and some friends I saw him at a gay bar.  We had one of those awkward moments where you lock eyes and realize you recognize each other but not sure where.  And being that 15 year old girl, I'd never be brave enough to have said hello.

And in order to emphasize my immaturity, I emailed a common friend, who lives in London, England to confirm he went to that rival high school and she actually encouraged me to contact him... which I would never do.  Instead I'll just check out his profile pics a few more times over the next week and try and move on.  Hahahahaha.

That being said, if your name is Andrew and you some how found this blog, please contact me... I'm all over having a conversation.  

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

I had an interaction recently with a friend that seemed very awkward.  Initially I wasn't quite sure why things felt that way.  The conversation wasn't forced and followed a logical path, however the body language was off enough for me to pick up on it.  I tried to blow it off on the fact we haven't hung out in a while.

That all changed when I rounded a corner and saw a formal friend.  It became obvious to me that the awkward interaction was due to him hoping I would not realize his true reason for being in the place at the time.  A place no where near where he lives.

Two things crossed my mind, did he have the odd body language because he was hoping to control the situation so this other person wouldn't see our friendly interaction?  Or was he almost caught visiting this formal friend inappropriately?

The friend I spoke with has a boyfriend and they've been together for some time.  I'm not implying that he'd cheat but I do know they, at least, on occasion invite a third person into their bedroom.  I don't judge that choice but I also don't endorse it.  I'm clearly not one to judge because I'm not in their relationship and I'm not successful at romantic relationships to date.

The former friend, however, is a known cheater.  He seems like a catch from the outside but I know parts of his past that have a shady track-record.  It's ultimately the reason I had to end the friendship because the over-spilling drama was starting to be too much for me to handle when I was being questioned on past conversations I supposedly shared.

This former friend has a relatively new boyfriend, so I find it hard to believe he'd cheat on him, but this questionable private interactions make me wonder if one can ever really live outside a triangle once they are involved in them repeatedly.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?? 

The many faces of one child

Sometimes I can look at my son and see myself as a 6 year old child... other times he looks like a cousin from his Mom's side of the family.  This pic I see a lot of my sister... it's funny how someone can look like so many different people and yet be totally his own person. 

William on his own

Last Thursday there was an assembly held at William's school.  Those parents of children in the school who had been a Star of the Week in the last month were invited to attend, so I took an extended lunch hour and went to participate.

Upon reaching the school I noticed the children were still outside playing, during their lunch hour.  I immediately noticed William sitting on a park bench with a couple of other boys.  I was tempted to immediately go over and say hello, but instead took the opportunity to see William interact as an individual.  I watched him play with his friends, and even pick up garbage and dispose of it (hopefully that's a sign that we are raising an environmentally responsible boy).

I went inside the school, signed in as a visitor and went to his classroom to wait for the bell to ring.  When he came in he noticed me right away, so I explained why I was there (since he had not been with me that morning) and then made my way to the gym while the kids were ushered into class preparing for the assembly.

I sat on the side bench with the other adults and watched the kids come in.  Again I was taken back by the individual William is.  I know it might sound like I never pay attention to him when he's with me, but what I mean is that I felt like I had a sneak peak at who William is as a fully independent person.  School is his world.  The friends and interactions he has there are all his own; we don't have active influence on his relationships.  I was proud to see him confident and more outgoing than I've seen him at other times in his life. It was a very proud moment for me.

Also, that day I noticed him and a couple guys on the bench I wondered if perhaps they were there when the got in trouble.  On Friday when I picked him up after work I asked him if the bench was used as a time out if someone was in trouble and he said they were.  I then asked if that's why he and the other boys were sitting there and his face went blank.  BUSTED!  I told him he wasn't in trouble but I was just curious and he wouldn't talk.  I'm hoping that he will always be as obvious when he tells lies or caught at something, but we all know that will not be a long-lasting reality.

Found: One early-thirties guy with his shit together

It's been almost three years since I came out and my life crumbled before my eyes.  And on March 11th my divorce became final.  That chapter of my life is officially over according to a few pieces of paper and thousands of dollars.

I feared the day it all became final because I thought it would throw me for a tail-spin, even though I knew the day was coming.  But when my ex-wife mentioned to me that it was finalized I was saddened but there was also a sense of having been desensitized to the reality because we've been living apart for so long.  

The road has been a long one to get to today but one thing I gained from all of this pain and loneliness is that I have truly found myself.  This period of time, being a single adult man has given  me a true sense of self and clarity that I don't think I have ever had.

I was known to most people as part of a couple for half my life.  I was the type of guy who fit into a mold and followed the logical path in life and never wanted to inconvenience anyone else.  Then one day I wasn't someone who followed the life path that so many take.  I struggled with my own identity and had to fight for the rights to even see my son on regular schedule.

And in walking this new path, I had to develop my own new community.  I had to find new friends and develop a support system.  And I had to be okay with sleeping alone, in an empty house and eat meals by myself.  The silence was deafening and I'm sure I showed signs of depression.

I was lucky to find a few key people who have given me tools to be okay.  One of those people was a guy named Jake who introduced me to hot yoga.  Hot yoga has become a way for me to escape the outside world and focus simply on breath and heartbeat and I leave the studio feeling renewed and with a sense of peace.  I know it sounds clichéd but it's true.  

Time has also been a vehicle that has helped me gain some clarity.  I know I'm a good person.  I know I have a lot to offer anyone I have a relationship with.  And I'm completely capable of being a single man.  I've always been a man who cooked and cleaned, but I can now say that I'm a man who has created a comfortable home for my son.  And this passing of time has allowed me to transition from fearing my days/weekends without William to someone who made the most of that time by catching up on chores that may have slipped, catching up with friends, or spending a Friday night being lazy on the couch because the 5:45 wake up times had caught up to me.  It's okay to be alone; I'm independent and perhaps that is a trait that my son will notice and incorporate into his own development.  

Three years ago I don't think I would predict that I would be where I am right now.  I think I would have predicted that I'd still be struggling to find a new equilibrium, but I'm happy to say I survived and came out the other side knowing myself better than I ever have.  I have a strength inside me that I underestimated and although I don't want to be single forever, I know it's okay.  And I've set certain standards for myself in hopes of never losing myself again.

Sure I still have some work to do but I know I will be okay.

I can handle it

Well I've survived the first week at my new job and I love it.  I'm working in tower 1 of Purdy's Wharf, which are landmark buildings on the waterfront of Halifax.  Just walking thru the pedways on the way to the office makes me excited to work there.  I love walking amongst the business suits heading to work with their coffee in hand.  It's strange but I feel like this is what I expected to experience after graduating with my commerce degree.  I thought I would be around people with high-power careers not working in an industrial park like my last stint.  And not that I have any issue with working in an office out of the downtown core, but the feeling I have just walking to work is one I expected after forking out tens of thousands of dollars to Dalhousie University.

The office itself has about 70 employees and I've met most of the staff, other than the majority of the lawyers. The staff are all very friendly and seemed to look forward to working with me.  The position I hold is Financial Analyst and it's a newly created position.  That means a couple of things: initially the duties I have are not completely settled and more importantly it gives me a great opportunity to develop the position and responsibilities into a career I will love to excel at.  And just thru speaking with the women currently working in the accounting department I feel like there is a lot of opportunities for me to improve functionality and efficiency within the office.  My major hurdle, I believe will be gaining their acceptance in changing things they have done for years; but I've turned on the charm and hope my shining (you can laugh) personality will help gain their respect enough to be accepting of my suggestions.

I'm also very much looking forward to digging into this position because I'm surrounded by people who are eager to excel in their careers and that feeling is contagious.  I haven't felt the excitement of climbing the corporate ladder since I started working at GMAC while in uni.  It truly is a new beginning to my career and exactly what I needed in my life.  

I know my feelings for the position are not going to stay this way forever; that the dust will settle and some Mondays I will have to drag myself from bed to get to work.  But for now I'm going to live in the moment of excitement because it's giving my life a positive direction I desperately needed.

Who will end up together?

Since I've come out I've made quite a few gay friends and over the last few months I have distanced myself quite a bit from socializing as frequently as I was.  And while I've had more time away from the group, I have watched the dynamics of relationships change within the circle and many times it's been hard for me to bite my tongue.  I like everyone to be treated with respect and when that doesn't happen, and no one else is willing to call someone out it is especially annoying to me.  But I've tried to mind my business.

At times I look at friends and wonder whether or not I could date them, or ultimately end up in a long term relationship with any of them.  I think it's probably a natural thing to do... and if not I like to think it's cause I'm lonely and not cause I'm creepy.  Ha!

Anyway I've come to identify a couple of friends I think would ultimately make a great couple, but one is dating someone else.  We'll see if perhaps maybe the two guys who will be sharing a room in Cuba this year, will end up as a couple a few years down the road.

And then there are two couples that have very happy and healthy relationships, at least from the outside.  These men give me hope that it's possible to find someone who can complete me and that I don't have to settle.  But again, I wonder whether or not those two couples will stand the test of time.  Or will life change them and distance may make them seek other paths?

Part of me wishes I could fast forward and find out.  And I'll be honest with myself and say that part of that wonder comes from the fact that I may have an interest in one member of each group... only a harmless crush that I would never act on, but perhaps I'm just allowing myself to hold out hope by wondering what the future holds.

Ah... the life of a single man with date-able friends.  

I'm off the market!

It's official.  After three plus weeks of being unemployed I have officially received a job offer and I can't quite wipe the smile off my face.

I had applied for a position of Financial Analyst in early to mid-January that had a closing date of January 20th.  I had given up hope that I had a shot since I had not heard anything but then almost two weeks ago I got a call about the position asking what my required salary range was.  We all know how I feel about that question!  I gave them my goal salary, which was above my ending salary at my last job and was told I was within their range and that someone would contact me the next week.  Then last Tuesday I got a call requesting an interview for Wednesday; I accepted and rushed home to re-read the posting to see what the duties would be.   I then decided to do a bit of company research and go thru a matching exercise between my achievements and their requirements trying to predict their questions.

Upon walking into the firm on Wednesday morning, looking pretty fly in my suit if I must say so myself, I was completely impressed.  This firm is beautiful and I felt a twinge of being out of my league but then shook my head and refocused.  I waited for the HR manager to arrive. She soon ushered me into a boardroom overlooking the water, where we were joined by the COO and the director of finance.  I decided to ignore their titles and just be myself.

I got thru the interview, asked a few questions and left the office convinced that this was the job I wanted.  I walked back to my car re-hashing the questions/responses and whether there was anything I would change... and other than potentially inserting some humor I was satisfied.  I told myself I would just stay positive and see what happens.

By this morning, I had actually given up hope since it's been almost a week.  But then, while playing a board game with William my phone rang and I recognized the phone number.  It was the HR manager seeking my references.  I emailed them over to her, and within a couple of hours I had confirmation from two of those references that they had spoken with her already.  I was trying to hold back excitement because I could still be up against other candidates.  And then my phone rang... I was officially being offered the position.  At my asking salary, with full benefits from day one.  I tried to hide my excitement and got thru the call making a few notes and awaited my formal offer to arrive via email.

So here I go... feeling slightly intimidated but excited for the challenge.  Monday will be day one!

Someone in my bed

Today I expected my Mom to come into the city, but with road conditions not being the best because of blowing snow, she decided to wait until tomorrow.  She's coming to the city for William's 6th birthday and will stay until Sunday.  I had mentally prepared myself for her arrival: planning on making Chicken stir-fry, heading to yoga in the afternoon and that we'd relax and watch tv in the evening.  Since the plan changed so did my day.  I had a nap in the afternoon, went birthday shopping, had leftovers for supper, studied most of the evening and took the 9pm hot yoga class.  I found myself avoiding staying home because with the change in plans I found myself very lonely.

It's funny how something as simple as that can change how I feel about my independence.  I'm used to living alone but sometimes it really gets to me.  And I often have the thought that I wish there was someone in my bed.  And not for any reason sexual, but just to snuggle into, or to hear breath, or to have unspoken companionship.  I guess I should dig out the body pillow and create a lump in the bed next to me.  Haha!

Overtime

Sidenote:  Wow... I've been away for a while now, eh?  It's funny how once you're unemployed you don't have enough time in the day to accomplish everything you want to.  How did I ever fit work in?

I'm in my second week of unemployment and this week I got a call for a staff accountant job position I had applied for in mid-January.  It's in the energy industry which should have a fairly good chance of being a stable industry so I accepted the offer for an interview.  And during the interview process two of the topics I hate to discuss during an interview came up: salary expectations and overtime.

The question of salary expectations came up during the initial phone call and again during the panel interview.  In both instances I gave them a dollar figure.  By giving them my expectation on the phone call I feel it already puts a limit on how well I can do during an interview, because they are already biased based on their budgetary constraints.  And then to ask again during the interview just confused me.  Were they hoping that I was going to change my mind?  Were they hoping I had been intimidated by some questions and the scope of the position so they hoped I would drop my expectation?  

The other question I hate is whether I'm willing to work overtime.  To me there is no option to how this question can be answered, and if I bombed the interview this would be the point.  I hesitated to answer for a moment and in watching faces I feel like this was not completely acceptable.  Now I am one who tries to leave work on time everyday, but I am a dedicated employee and if something has a deadline I will stay to meet that deadline.  But at the same time, I also have a life outside of work.  

Towards the end of the interview I brought overtime back up and explained that I wanted to discuss it further.  I explained that I have no issue working overtime at those times like month-end or year-end when deadlines are tight, but that if the job required overtime on a daily basis then this wasn't the position for me, because I am a dedicated father also.  The head of HR stepped in and explained their stance on work-life balance and that family is very important, but then she went on to explain a practice that is becoming all to familiar in Canada.

She told me that many woman, specifically, will take a laptop home with them and after they put their kids to bed they will work for an hour or two... Um, WHAT?  This is acceptable work-life balance?  I agree the flexibility to have a laptop to work from home is a great thing, but for it to be regular practice for someone to put their kids to bed and then go back to work is no work-life balance.  This is a clear sign that a company is understaffed.  Regular overtime is a sign of inefficiency or an unacceptable workload.

So now I'm at a crossroads in my mind.  I haven't received a second interview request yet, but they did ask for my references and whether I had any vacation plans in the next few months, which lean towards them considering me as a real candidate.  If I do get that call I'm going to have to ask some real questions to decide whether I will be a good fit for this company.  Or if maybe I continue in the process and if I attain the position work there until I can secure another job.

Oh this whole game causes the mind to race...

It's the small things that can get you thru

Sometimes I get wrapped up in life and my mind runs non-stop with things (like pending unemployment) and it seems to be all I talk about.  But then there's this other side of my life where I notice all these little things that occur that make me slow down and realize what I have.  Since I'm looking at an open future right now I thought it might be nice, for a change, to jot down a few things that make me smile.

• When I carry William out of the tub, to his bedroom to have cream rubbed on his overly sensitive skin and then pjs we ALWAYS pause at the mirror and look at each other... and maybe make a funny face.  I have done this with EVERY SINGLE bath I have given him.
• When William crawls into bed early in the morning, or midway thru the night he has to snuggle in.  And he's not content or settled unless he's sharing my pillow and has an arm wrapped around my neck.
• When driving in the car, I sometimes try to scare William by sliding my arm between my seat and the door to grab his leg.  And he always catches on, without changing the look on his face, and blocks my hand with his foot within a few seconds.
• William's favorite Christmas gift wasn't the Nintendo Wii that Santa brought to his Mom's house, but the Buzz Lightyear Trouble (board) game Santa brought to my house.  And we play it non-stop. 
• I like that when my Sister and I are about to hang up from talking on the phone we now tell each other we love each other.  Even though there's provinces between us now I think we're closer than we've been since probably high school.
• I love to watch William and my Mom (Gramma) interact.  William is closer to my Mom than I was with any of my Grandparents, and I like to think I was pretty close with my Grandparents.  I also am glad that William remembers my Grammie and will often make comments about characters in a book or on a tv show resembling her. 
• It makes me proud that William is an avid learner.  He's constantly sounding out words, trying to read signs or even point out patterns.  And even when he has homework he's excited to do it.  I know it's early but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I'm sure I could come up with a million other little things that make my day... sometimes you just need to focus on those and know everything else will fall into place. 

The ugly side

As far as parenting William goes, he's been a dream child.  I hear stories from coworkers, friends and other family members and I cannot believe that things can really get that out of control.  Usually, I tend to look at the parent and wonder if it's their behavior that makes their child act out of control, or whether that person is just a complainer (because that's a disease that my generation has become infected with).  

Two prime examples are when people talk about the terrible twos or how out of control their children behave when they eat chocolate.  Really two years old was an amazing year and each year gets better.  And as far as chocolate or soda goes I never see abnormal behavior after William (or any child) consumes those.

The fifth year of William's life has brought out an ugly side that Jaime and I are left unsure how to handle.  William has turned into a child that is pushing boundaries in one area: he doesn't want to participate in organized activities.  The two examples which have been the most difficult have been softball and swimming lessons.  Wish soft ball the season's first practices started out okay.  He was excited, made hits and ran the bases, but then something changed.  He became aware that everyone was watching him and he no longer wanted to even go on the field.  We tried making him sit thru all the innings with his team on the bench and watch, even if he wouldn't participate, but we soon gave into the fights thinking perhaps he just didn't really like soft ball.  

When school started we had some hesitation with him being excited to start but it all changed and he's excelled in school and looks forward to going everyday.  We thought perhaps it was just soft ball and wrote it off.

And now William is registered in swimming lessons.  He was in them when he was younger, but they were parent/tot classes and really didn't get anything out of them, other than being in a pool on a weekly basis.  I have taken him swimming quite regularly over the years since, but I decided this year I had to enroll him again because swimming is truly survival knowledge.  I would be somewhat failing as a parent to not give him this basic knowledge.

Since it had been a couple of months since William and I had been in the exact pool that he would have lessons in I took him to an open swim for three hours the day before his first lesson.  He realized that he had grown enough to touch thru all areas of the pool and that gave him a lot of confidence.  The next morning however he didn't want to get into the water.  His insecurity over-ruled any reasoning that I presented.  I told his teacher to continue the class without him and made him sit on the edge of the pool and watch his two other classmates as they went thru the lesson.  After class was over I went over what they had done in class and asked him what he had been afraid of and there wasn't anything.  He left promising that the next time he would get in.

This week we went back to the open swim all Saturday afternoon.  We did most of the same things that were covered in the previous lesson and he seemed good to go.  I even put him in a life jacket for a portion of the swim to know what it felt like to have no dependence on me in any capacity in the pool.  He was so proud of himself and said he'd be in the pool the next morning.  Sadly, this morning was the same old story.  He had tears streaming down his cheeks and was very silent.  I had to again tell the instructor to continue without him and told William that I was disappointed and forced him to sit on the edge of the water while I went back with the other parents.  And for about 20 minutes a different instructor came over and talked with him trying to coax him into joining the class.  It was a no go.

I'm at a loss.  I remember what it was like to be the child who was paralyzed with insecurity and didn't want to participate.  But I don't want William to be that child.  This behavior held me back in many areas of life.  He deserves better and as parents we need to help him overcome this hurdle.  But how?  I don't think it's really something he should be punished for, because it's really an emotional response for him and not behavioral. And I don't want to offer rewards, because that is just setting us up for years of problems having him do anything.  So what option do we have?

How do you get your child to grow up with confidence and willing to go outside their comfort zone?  

Headhunter

One week from today will be my last day of work at ING.  I am both looking forward to that day and slightly dreading it.  I am looking forward to it because I have reached the point where I find it hard to maintain my commitment to the company.  Not that I am not working, but I find it hard to justify working my ass off and staying late, when the door has been shut on me.  I'm dreading it because I have made some great friends here and I have still not secured my next job.

I spent a couple of sleepless nights budgeting my severance funds in my head.  Making sure I'd have enough cash to make my car payments, insurance premiums, RESP payments, etc until I am again gainfully employed.  I wish I was one of those lucky souls who is debt free but it's an unfortunate reality that divorce has taken a definite toll on my finances and my final "pre-bill" was in the multiple thousands of dollars.  I disputed the charges and have yet to hear back.  I'm hoping they will show some mercy.

A couple of weeks ago I forwarded an email, including my resume, to a headhunter here in Halifax.  It's a group that do a lot of staffing for accountant positions.  I had hoped to attain something on my own but since time is running out I figured I had better use all of the tools available to me and forward the information.

This Monday past, I met with the headhunter and we discussed my past experience in detail, salary expectations, industries I may be interested in working in, whether or not I would consider contract positions; all things I expected.  The woman, unfortunately, doesn't have much of a social personality, and I found that really hard to understand.  I would think that someone in her position would be very social; isn't that how she sells her clients?  I realized that when I was answering her questions I was talking for long periods of time and she would tune out at a certain point in my response.  I guess she just wanted the direct answer and not much background.  I also found it discouraging when she told me I was expecting the high end of the salary range for my experience.  This is hard for me to understand because when I took this job I took a fairly large pay cut, but I weighed out my being content at work versus cash and happiness won.  I didn't regret it, but at the same time I'm making about the same salary I was making at 26.  I'm 33 and feel like based on performance reviews, education and experience that I shouldn't have to again expect a pay cut just to fit into an organizations budgetary constraints.  We'll see how that battle goes.

And on Tuesday I went back to the office of the headhunter to write a test.  I'm guessing it's a placement test and was 35 multiple choice questions in 30 minutes.  I did very well on the test, which was a huge relief, since I'm sure that would have an effect on the types of jobs she will forward my resume for. 

So here I am, 6 working days (including today) until I'm unemployed for the first time since I was 18.  My severance package is generous so I could afford to be off until probably April before I have to cut into my RRSPs.  And I'm slightly terrified. The unknown has always been a huge fear.  If I knew I would be unemployed for the month of February I could handle that.  But this unknown factor is playing tricks on my brain.  I know I'm employable.  I'm a fast learner, socially capable and have spent tens of thousands of dollars educating myself.  I just need to get an interview.  Once I'm in an interview I'm completely comfortable and can sell myself.

Just waiting for the big break!

Disposable friend

It's funny how a person or group of people can make me, at 33 year old man, turn into an insecure 14 year old.  What is it about someone that can make me lose my confidence?  And I have allowed those moments effect my thinking enough that I consider avoiding interactions with those people.

I don't know if it's because I grew up never feeling like I ever truly fit in.  Or that I was made to feel like the disposable friend many times over the years.  I thought all the work I have done on myself over the last few years have reduced the importance I used to place on fitting in and allowed me to move forward with little concern about other's opinions of me.  I guess old habits are hard to break.

But since we're in 2011, I have made a strong commitment to myself to reach my potential in all aspects of my life.  I'm not going to avoid situations that may initially be uncomfortable, instead I'm going to embrace them as new challenges for me to over come.  This weekend will be one of those challenges, a close friend's birthday party.  

Coincidentally, I received a phone call around 9:30 Monday night from a friend I haven't seen since Hallowe'en. He's someone I've gotten to know over the last couple of years and someone who has turned to me for help on a couple of occasions.  I respect his determination in life and admire him for, at times, walking to the beat of his own drum.  His call was solely to find out where I've been lately; that he's noticed my drifting away from the group.  He wasn't looking for cause or gossip, just wanted to know everything was okay and show genuine care for our friendship.  As if I didn't respect him enough already, he's gone ahead and boosted my confidence without even knowing it.  He reinforced the thinking I've been trying to foster when I'm feeling  insecure; that most of it is my own mental game and that people do value my friendship.

Perhaps I'm not disposable.  This year I'm starting to believe it.

Hey Jude

I try not to talk about this too much on here, because I don't want to sound like a broken record but I miss my wife.  I will never get over her.  She was my absolute best friend and I ache to have her back in my life on a daily basis.  

I know people say that in time we will be able to develop a friendship again, and I'll admit that things are much easier now then they were in the fall of 2008.  But ever day we're not friends is a day I feel is wasted.

And what brought on this outburst of thought?  The Beatles.  I was on iTunes fully expecting to purchase the red album but Jaime and I spent so many hours listening to the Beatles that I don't think I can ever listen to a Beatles song without remembering our amazing road trips.

I love her and always will.  A part of my heart will always be missing because I no longer live a life with her.

Something big this way comes??

Well the end of employment is now in sight and I've reached that stage I knew I would reach.  That stage where I can't get to sleep at night because I'm worried about money.  I lay with my eyes closed thinking about how many weeks I will be able to afford to go without a pay cheque.  How many car payments?  How many cell bills?  Should I cancel my gym membership?  Should I put William's RESP on hold?

It's a terrible time of the year to be looking for a job... at least that's what I've been told a few times by and employment counselor that has been assigned to our office.  And he actually had the nerve to tell me to just take any job and then look for something else when I secure something.  Is that what employment counselors get paid to tell you?  I thought that he would suggest ways to research employment opportunities that would stimulate me.  Help me find headhunters that would increase my odds of becoming gainfully employed.  That I should make the best of an awful situation and try and improve my position.  Nope.  Thankfully I'm not paying him.

Today I decided to submit my resume to a placement agency that specializes in the accounting industry.  I have heard some good things and some bad things, but lets face it... a job is better than none.

I'm also holding out hope that a Collections Officer position that I applied for with the province will at least result in an interview.  The pay would be comparable and it would get my foot in the door and possibly lead to opportunities that are far more stimulating to me than month end accruals. 

Who knows what the next few months will bring... I just wish I at least knew how long I would be unemployed so I could budget accordingly cause this lack of sleep is cramping my style.  

Imma own this one!

I'll look back on 2010 as a year I learned many great lessons.  It was a year that I realized that I could make friends without the help of anyone, that given time people always show their true colors, that if I hold certain expectations of others then I will probably be disappointed, that being single was something I was okay with, and that eating cleaner can do some amazing things to your body.

My 2010 did not end on the highest note, however I count my blessings because most of the things which were negatives were trivial.  

I lost my job towards the end of the year and still haven't been able to secure my next posting.  I can feel the stress building within me but I'm trying to stay positive.  I believe things happen for a reason and have to trust it was for the best.

In the spring of 2010 I lost one of my best friends.  Well I guess I didn't lose him, but instead asked him to leave my life.  Sadly, there was some actions going on behind my back that made me realize that I was being played for a fool and I only take things so long.  The spring was the straw that broke the camel's back and I made it clear that I wouldn't be walked over any longer.  Because of that choice, that friend then campaigned with my circle of friends to get deep into the circle and push me out.  He's pretty much succeeded and it culminated this fall.  I took it personally and it still hurts, if I'm being completely honest.  But over the last couple of months I realized that I'm not responsible for the actions of others, that I cannot control what others say about me and that I truly don't have to try and defend myself to anyone.  If any of my friends believe the lies told about me and/or don't have the respect enough for me to talk to me about it, then I really don't need them in my life any longer either.  It's a sad reality but one lesson I'm happy I learned.

I look to 2011 with a lot of promise.  Things are going to look up and  very quickly, I have no doubt.  I will find a new career path and am looking forward to a new challenge.  If I had the option I wouldn't even finish out the month because perhaps the pressure of being unemployed will kick my drive into gear.

I also have two trips on the horizon.  My family is going somewhere tropical (probably Cuba) in April.  We've talked about it for the better part of a year and I have already started saving for William's portion of the trip.  I love the beach and to spend a week in the sand and warm waters with my family is going to be a dream come true.  The other trip is to Vancouver.  I've never been to the west coast of Canada yet and it's on my bucket list, so when I got an invite to a July wedding in the city I pretty much committed to being there.  I just need to know I'll be employed and then I'm booking my flight.  

And based on the crazy times I had with friends this year, I have no doubt 2011 will also bring adventure.  I realize that life is short and although I have big strides planned for my financial position, with proper planning and budgeting I hope this year will be one of the best so far.  I have new friends and memories to make and after a few months of rebuilding strength and enhancing my confidence I have no doubt I will own this year.

Happy New Year Everyone!

A mover and a shaker

On boxing day we went to visit at a friend's house... the music was pumping and everyone got into the groove...  

And since every moment in life is a learning experience... I took the time to notice how convenient it would be if I drink and dance in feety pjs... that way when you crash it doesn't matter... you're set for sleep.