33

So just under a month ago I turned 33.  And when I say that number I feel like I should feel older and have more accomplished in my life but for some reason I embrassed turning 33 this year even though maybe it doesn't feel like the number that truly represents my age.

If I had to look at my life and assign it an age I'd either be 28 or 19.  I say 28 because I feel like that's the stage of responsibility that I am at.  I have a career that still needs some development to reach the final plateau.  I have a son and maintain a home.  I am very active and am constantly striving to improve my health because I know what the future can hold.  And because I dress and resemble someone in their late twenties.  And I say 19 because lets face it, I have drank and partied more this summer than I have in many years.  I have a circle of friends who are constantly planning the next event; to the point that we now have a private facebook group exclusive to our group that we post things in, so we're all always up to date on pending events.  Yeah, we're that cool.  Ha!

So what did I actually do on my birthday, you may ask?  Well I spent the day with my Mom and William.  We kind of had a slow easy start to the day at home, not really doing all that much.  Then in the afternoon we went on a little adventure that William decided on.  He's wanted to go on the Harbour Hopper for a long time and we decided that Daddio's birthday was probably a great time to go.  Sadly, William fell asleep five minutes into the ride and was disappointed that he missed the water portion of the tour (and being the good Dad I am, we went a second time about a week later).  While on the tour I started getting texts from my friend Ashley asking what my evening plans were.  I told her none, since it was a Tuesday, and none of my other friends were on vacation like I was. 

Mom, William and I then met up with a girl I grew up with, Kelly, who is more like a younger sister than friend and we all went for Chinese food at May Garden.  We enjoyed a quiet dinner and made plans to go visit her later in the week at her home on a lake, near where we grew up.  Then we just went back to my house to blow out some candles, cut a cake and open a few presents.  It was a great day.

But then, my friend Ashley asked if I wanted to go for a drink on one of the many great patios in our city.  We ended up at the Bitter End, which are known for their assortment of martinis.  I accepted the offer and made my way for around 8pm.  To my surprise Ashley was not alone.  She had arranged and secured 12 of our friends for a last minute meeting.  We sat on the patio and shared drinks, nachos and stories and laughed for a couple of hours.  I got a few cards, many hugs and well wishes to the next year of my life.

To say that I'm a lucky man is an understatement.  I have an amazing family that support me.  I have an amazing circle of friends, most of which I have only known for a year.  And I have my health and a future that is mine to decide.  So bring on 33 and all the new experiences!

Birds of a feather... compare notes

It's strange when you seperate from a spouse because initially you feel so alone and isolated from everyone.  Even if you have a strong support system, you really don't think they can possibly understand what you are going thru and for the most part that is probably true.  And as time goes by you find yourself seeking sources to increase your knowledge base, if for nothing else, just to know what to expect in the coming weeks, months and years.

It seems that lately friends of mine are seperating like I have just set the newest trend.  That suddenly single and divorcing is the new black and all the cool people are doing it.  In the last couple of months I have had three friends contact me to talk about their seperation.  People that I didn't know were even on that path in their relationship.  And I am more than happy to be their shoulder to cry on or their pillar of support.  I have ridden the hardest part of the wave and hope that even the slightest amount of my experience can make their path easier. 

This apparent trend also makes me wonder a couple of things.  (A)  Is our society too quick to walk away from a relationship when things aren't easy?  and (B)  What is our society going to look like when I'm a senior citizen.  Will there be marriages that have stood the test of time and reached those mile stones of 50 and 60 years?  And if so, will those relationships seem abnormal and sacred?  Will anyone have only been married once?  Will people even still get married? 

I know everyone's path is different.  I understand pain.  And I believe that everyone should truly be happy, but I also wonder if there are a lot of people out there who are just giving up because sometimes that is easier than doing the work to stay together.  Marriage is not easy, but I think getting back to the basics of the relationship is even harder once one person has already let go.

Newly (Re)united

Further to my random email post...

There has been some back and forth between the former friend and I, discussing our seperations.  Our situations are different, because of the involvement we had as fathers and he has a distance issue, which keeps him from even being able to have the access I have.  But we become united as a support for each other. 

It's strange to think, based on our past friendship, but he needs me.  He has a best friend that has let him down by not offering much support.  It's surprising to me, but seeing as his wife is best friends with the ex, I guess there was probably a conversation on the subject, and he is staying more in line with his wife, from what was suggested.

I offered him my support and some of the knowledge I have gained over the last couple of years.  I don't think he realizes what he is in for, but I gave him some insight that will hopefully not leave him unprepared for when things play out.  I'm not fooling myself into believing that we'll talk all that often, and honestly it is not something I want.  But I was very alone and know what it feels like to be on the path.  I will touch base and check up on him.  And if I can help him stay focused as a Dad then it's a bonus.

Random Email

Last night, just before I slid into bed, I decided to take one final look at my facebook to catch up on what my friends were up to during the evening.  There were the usually status updates on Dancing with the Stars, inside jokes and the occasional complaint about their kids, but what caught my attention was that I had two emails in my inbox.  Strange because I had already read a couple of emails earlier in the evening and wasn't expecting any additional responses.

Initially, I thought one of them had to be from my friend who went to Mexico, sure to tell me about how much Tequila he had consumed in a challenge set by another friend, or how much food was consumed at the buffet or possibly how one day in and his roommate for the week was already treading on thin ice.  But alas, the emails were not from him.

One email was from a friend from years ago, who moved away and based on their previous actions, I assumed was in hiding from years gone by.  I had noticed a picture of her as a suggested friend and had emailed her just to tell her I thought she looked amazing and hoped she was doing well.  The email in response was a thank you and wishing the same.  No additional dialogue, which is fine, but an email I still wasn't expecting.

But the other email was very random. It was from the male half of a couple that my wife and I had been friends with in the past.  A friend I had totally written off long before my marriage came apart at the seams, because I didn't feel that I was treated well in the relationship that we had.  I was outgoing and tried to be his friend, but got nothing in return.  I had let it bother me while it happened but wrote it off as sometimes people can just be friends on the surface, and there was nothing wrong with that.

The body of his email was about how he had heard a while ago about my seperation and that he thought of me often.  That he had heard details but was sceptical about some details and chalked a lot of things up to gossip and did not let anything reflect on me.  That he wondered how I was doing in the moving on process both for me personally and for William.  Then he went on to tell me that he was currently in the process of seperation as well and that he would love to hear any insight I might be able to provide as a father and with the whole legal process.  It was surprising.

I had heard that he had seperated and though his circumstances may be different in some ways, I think they could be similar in others.  When I run home at lunch I plan on taking some time to draft an email to him and offer any guideance that I can on how to survive his divorce without giving up too much of his childrens lives and on what to expect in the process.  How to deal with his ex's emotions that might heat up fights.  How to protect himself and how to deal with the fall out from in-laws, family and friends.  And what to look for in a lawyer if he hasn't already found one.  And my opinion stays the same on this (and my ex wife will disagree); you should seek a lawyer that wants conciliation instead of fighting every issue.  Cause a couple of years down the road, when emotions are in the past, you still want to be able to have a friendly relationship with the other parent.  You owe that to your children, if nothing else.