Starting Over

I have probably mentioned this before, but during my relationship with my wife a lot of the friends I had were our friends.  They were really my friend by default because Jaime and Jeff were this package deal, and accordingly when we split I realized that I was relatively alone on the friend front. 

Luckily, I had become close to a couple of friends who became key players in my mental stability over the last two years.  And along the way I was introduced to Jacob Owens, the maker of Conscript, who I have spoken about before.  Jacob played a key part in my life over the last year, and might not really even realize the significance he has played.  Thru being involved in that one weekend filming his movie, I met a group of people who have become my circle of friends.  

It was probably a few months after making that film that I got my first invitation to come out with the group of friends and at first the shy and insecure Jeff wasn't going to go.  I have never been one to enjoy uncomfortable situations but this was a really great group of people and they only knew me for me, so I took the chance.  And I haven't looked back.

Never before as an adult, have I had a circle of friends that like me for me and not who I am dating or married to.  And never before have I felt like I didn't have to hide a certain portion of who I was because of the fear of being judged.  

Sidenote:  I just scanned my pics trying to find a group shot and realize that I don't really have one... I need to work on that!

And this circle of friends is unlike most circles of friends I have been a part of or witnessed before.  They are all great people and great genuine friends.  They don't talk behind each other's backs.  They don't judge each other.  They truly love and support each other and know how to have a good time.

I'm feeling quite blessed that I have met this crew.  They came into my life at a point when I truly needed them and for that I will always be grateful.  I just hope that some day I can articulate how much they mean to me and that they register my sincerity.

Dilemma of the day (Monday)

Everything in life can be linked back to facebook.  You heard it here first people... cause even the people I met this weekend I have creeped at one point or another on facebook.  Yeah, I know I probably have a problem, but until it makes me late for work, it's not a problem ... never mind.  Moral of this paragraph: it's all linked back to facebook.

Back to my dilemma... do I email or not.

Back story:

 I met someone, who I have previously creeped on facebook.  It's a friend of a guy I occasionally hang out with that just got back from Australia.  He came to a party and out to Tribeca and Reflections with us Saturday night and I got to know them enough to develop a crush.  

At the end of the night thru some convenient circumstances I found myself walking alone with said individual.  Since they were given keys from a friend but wasn't exactly sure where they lived, I offered to walk them to our friend's apartment.  Once we got there we continued to talk for a little while.  It's probably 4am and we sit on the front step talking and then I get an offer to come upstairs.  I decline the offer but upon the second time being asked I agree.  Upstairs we sit and have a glass of water and continue to talk.  It was great.  Since it was so late I decide to leave and am offered a chance to crash... and I knew immediately I would kick myself for not accepting the offer, but I declined.  At the door I get a hug and then there was a moment when there is intense eye contact and glancing at the lips and again I know I'll regret it, but I don't take a chance and go with the moment.  

My thought was that I don't want to get hurt by being rejected if I am mis-reading the situation, because this person is so charismatic and likable that they are probably truly out of my league for dating.  And I also don't want to ruin potential, if there is any, that I am seen as someone worth dating because I so easily gave into temptation to just hookup.  

I walked away that night slightly disappointed but also proud of myself for maintaining a reputation and for guarding my heart a little bit.

So on Sunday and into Monday I was a tad giddy that I met someone and there seemed to be a mutual interest.  My dilemma was then whether or not to put myself out there and make contact.  After talking to a couple friends I decided to email and mention how nice it was to meet them and express a desire to hang out again, once they are settled back in Halifax.

Sadly, it's now Thursday and I haven't gotten a response.  We're friends on facebook (which happened pre-email) but I haven't gotten a word back.  I'm a tad disappointed but at the same time, I'm very proud of myself for putting myself out there with someone I consider potentially a little out of my league... especially considering I never really lived the dating world before.

Ambitious project

I apologize for neglecting my blog but this photography course is a larger time commitment than I had anticipated but I'm loving every minute of it.  It's now winding down and I think there are four weeks left.  We are now at the point where we have to submit a artists proposal for our final assignments which we will work on for the duration of the course.

Since I have a competitive streak, and my photos consistently seem to be within the top five of the class, I want my project to stand out.  I debated a few different ideas and finally settled.  Below I will paste the project that I submitted and in speaking with a friend in the class apparently someone gasped at the idea when I was reading it out loud to the class.  Now I just have to pull it off... a little more ambitious than I could have done but I think I will learn more if I push myself.  

Split Personalities

It has been said that perception is reality, and accordingly there are members of society that prefer to control that perception.  The life they lead in public may not be fully aligned with the person they truly are.  This collection will explore alternate personalities that make up the individuals in the portraits and cause the audience to wonder what secrets the others in the room might be hiding behind their polished exterior.

During the span of seven to ten days, portraits of six individuals will be taken.  During each photo session wardrobe and prop changes will be used in conjunction with body language in order to show case two distinct personalities.   Through photo editing, over the span of two weeks, portraits of each of the individual’s personalities will be combined into one photo per individual.

The collection will be printed in color on 8” X 10” matte finished paper, in order to highlight the fact that you are seeing the unpolished version of the individual, not just the control perception they may wish to portray.  The portraits will be mounted on the wall in simple frames and the glass in each frame will be cracked strategically to show the split personalities.

Father's Day

In our interim custody agreement there is a provision that I get William for part of father's day, even if it's not my scheduled time.  Originally Jaime had asked if perhaps we could go to see Toy Story 3 as a family on father's day and then I would keep him into the evening.  This morning I got a call from William wishing me a happy father's day and Jaime backed out; it was going to be too hard emotionally.  I understood.

So I hopped out of bed and grabbed a shower.  I was exhausted because I was out partying until 5am but with 4 hours of sleep under my belt I started a great father's day.  I picked William up and he was very excited to have me open my presents right away.  A Buzz Lightyear plush toy and a Where's Waldo book.  They were completely his idea and I loved them.  We grabbed some lunch and headed to the movie.  

He snuggled into my lap during the previews and was there most of the movie.  It was a good third part in the series but of course the lack of sleep and some residual gin being in my bloodstream made a few scenes a little more emotional than it should have been.  It's strange how a cartoon can make you realize how fast kids grow up. 

From the movie we swung by the house to grab a sweat shirt and headed down to the ferry terminal and caught a ferry across the harbour.  We walked the waterfront and sat on a park bench at one point watching the sailboats and looking for Waldo in the new book.  Then we grabbed some supper and I took him back to his Mom's.  

All in all it was a great day.  I have no complaints.  Sure in a perfect world he would live with me and have woken me up this morning in person, but I'm very blessed and that technicality is not something I have the least bit of focus on today.

Birds of a feather... compare notes

It's strange when you seperate from a spouse because initially you feel so alone and isolated from everyone.  Even if you have a strong support system, you really don't think they can possibly understand what you are going thru and for the most part that is probably true.  And as time goes by you find yourself seeking sources to increase your knowledge base, if for nothing else, just to know what to expect in the coming weeks, months and years.

It seems that lately friends of mine are seperating like I have just set the newest trend.  That suddenly single and divorcing is the new black and all the cool people are doing it.  In the last couple of months I have had three friends contact me to talk about their seperation.  People that I didn't know were even on that path in their relationship.  And I am more than happy to be their shoulder to cry on or their pillar of support.  I have ridden the hardest part of the wave and hope that even the slightest amount of my experience can make their path easier. 

This apparent trend also makes me wonder a couple of things.  (A)  Is our society too quick to walk away from a relationship when things aren't easy?  and (B)  What is our society going to look like when I'm a senior citizen.  Will there be marriages that have stood the test of time and reached those mile stones of 50 and 60 years?  And if so, will those relationships seem abnormal and sacred?  Will anyone have only been married once?  Will people even still get married? 

I know everyone's path is different.  I understand pain.  And I believe that everyone should truly be happy, but I also wonder if there are a lot of people out there who are just giving up because sometimes that is easier than doing the work to stay together.  Marriage is not easy, but I think getting back to the basics of the relationship is even harder once one person has already let go.

Spare Change??

Panhandling is becoming more common in Halifax.  You see the squeegee kids on some street corners, people with empty coffee cups, or the ones with the signs about being a moneyless traveler seeking assistance.  Or like one method that has become more popular in this city is the person looking for a bus ticket and when you don't have bus tickets they ask for change for the bus.  I guess it's at least a bit of creativity.

Back in the day, I shared the same opinion as one of my friends, in relation to panhandlers.  Her opinion was, sure I'll give you money but do something to earn it.  Instead of sitting on the sidewalk begging, pick up a few pieces of trash around you and I'll hand you my spare change.

But something has changed in me in the last couple of years.  It might be age or it might be being a Dad.  Either way I now look at these people and wonder how they got to this place and how alone they must be to have to resort to begging all day and being refused for the large portion of those attempts.

I know there is a large portion of those individuals who are making a lot of easy cash, however what about those individuals who really are in need of that financial support.  What about those kids who had a home life that may have been abusive or unaccepting and they had to run away without any thought as to how they would survive.

For the couple of dollars that they might get out of my pocket (and I should also mention it's rare I actually have cash on me cause I use debit for everything), I over look what a possible scam artist they may be and look at the desperation it would take for me to be begging strangers for money.  And I like to think that the change I provide them will no go to a substance for them to abuse and instead will nourish them for at least part of their day.  They are some one's family member who needs some help and I am in no way going into the poor house for giving them a few quarters.

Just a thought.

Indulge Me

I've been tagged by Jody at jojoscrazylife with a meme (my first) so here goes:

1. Do you prefer watching movies or reading books? 

If I had the time I would prefer reading books, because I love the escape of entering this new world and I can control how long the journey lasts.  But I do love movies because it can be a quick and dirty two hour escape and I get to see the interpretation of the setting thru someone else's eyes.  

2. What is the earliest memory you have?

My first memory that I have is being in my crib, so I'm guessing I was around two-ish.  I remember that on the wall in my parent's bedroom where my crib was situated there was wall paper that would have been in a nursery and none of the other walls had any.  I also remember distinctly wearing feety pajamas, standing up in my crib and flipping my leg up over the side and climbing down out of the crib and jumping into my parent's bed on my Mom's side.  

3. What is your most favourite alcoholic drink of all time (if you had to chose just one)?

My favorite alcoholic drink of all time would be Gin and Tonic with fresh lime.  It's my drink of choice right now, so that's probably a big part of the influence but I really think I would have drank this since I was 19 if I had trying it back in the day.

4. What do you think the best television series you've ever seen is?

The best television series ever, in my opinion is Three's Company.  I love the timeless humor in the show, I love the characters and the comedic timing.  It's a show I watched when I was very young getting ready for supper and it's a show I can still pop into the DVD player and get completely lost in.  I don't think there is an episode that doesn't make me laugh out loud.

5. What do you like the best about where you live? (I've copied this one, but I like it :)

What I like best about Halifax, Nova Scotia... hmm.  I think I love most that I feel like I belong in this city.  It's where I was born and essentially raised.  I know all the ins and outs of the city.  In fact today, after running errands, I grabbed my book and found a spot in the grass on the side of Citedal Hill and read my book in the sun along with the other hippies from the city.  I love that I'm close to the ocean and can smell the salt water in the air on a foggy day.  I love that my city has so much history and so many Canadians can trace their families to our port city.

The Jeff Show

There is a movie that came out in the late 90s that is forever etched in my mind.  It's not a movie with an epic storyline or probably even won an award, but it will always stand out for me.  It's The Truman Show.  That movie where Jim Carrey's character, Truman Burbank's whole life has been created by studio executives in order to entertain the viewing audiences around the world.  And Truman has no idea that he's on this reality show and that everyone in his life is just a character.

I love this movie.  I had owned a copy, at least up until the last move, and it's one of the rare movies I could watch over and over.  I like how you can imagine network executives putting profit in front of some one's ability to have a real life, and how creative they are in keeping Truman from leaving this make believe world. 

But immediately when I watched this movie I wondered if there was a chance that I was actually watching a parody of my own life.  Could all of this I experience in life be somewhat fabricated for the world around me?  There have been times when I have looked around wondering if there are cameras all around me.  There are times when I am doing mundane chores like washing dishes, where I wonder if the director is queuing music and playing a flashback sequence, to give audiences a potential sneak peak into my thoughts. 

Part of me would like to think my life is a semi-scripted reality.  That certain things have happened to influence thoughts and experiences in a way that would be more entertaining and thought provoking to the millions of people sitting at home in front of their televisions right now.  And if it's true... someone please give me a sign.

Catch up

Holy crap... how long has it been since I last blogged.  I feel like it's been forever.  So I'll do a little explaining why it's been so long.

Work has gotten a little crazy.  A woman, who has worked for the company for years, was fired on a Monday at 5pm.  I don't know specifics but during a department meeting the following week one of the VPs took the time to discuss professional conduct and included things like... anything you do on your work computer is accessed by the company and we have every right to see everything you do on that computer.  It can ruin your career and embarrass you.  Think about what you do on your computer and whether you would want your boss to read it.  Would you be embarrassed?  I immediately thought about the time I spend on the Internet and having read dooce.com over the years I know it's reasonable that one can lose a job over a blog.  And my adult rated webcam show might not go over so well either.  So paying for future tuition has changed my cam scenes from business setting to a dark damp basement.  Don't judge me.

And then there was a week long vacation I took.  A family vacation of sorts to visit my sister in Toronto.  Mom, William and I got a smoking deal on a flight, especially considering we left on the Saturday morning of a long weekend.  Well Annette lives in Georgetown, not Toronto.  It's really a tease to be that close to the city and not be able to enjoy it.  We spent a couple of days south of the border in Buffalo, NY shopping, and then took in the Toronto Zoo and Canada's Wonderland and then on Friday night I took an almost two hour bus ride into the city to get my party on.  I rented a room in an Inn, that was probably better described as a hostel and was below my standards, but seeing as I didn't get in until 5 am and was up and out of the room by 10 am it fit it's purpose.

I feel bad that my sister doesn't take better advantage of living where she does.  She's over worked and hasn't made any real friends to speak of, so I think she spends the majority of her limited free time alone.  If it was me I'd (a) be applying for a job with realistic hours, (b) find a circle of friends who have similar interest and (c) I would know TO like the back of my hand. 

One trait of my father's that I inherited was the ability to speak my mind, and not always as sensitively as I should.  We had a talk last summer around a camp fire where I questioned whether she was happy.  I didn't feel I did it in a mean way but more in a concerned brother's way but it upset her, and I hate to upset any woman in my life.  I just want her to be happy and if you're not happy and fulfilled living in the big city and if you miss your family and wish you didn't miss so much of your nephew's growth then move the hell home.  I could go on and on but I've probably already said more than I should.  Moral of my story... life is short at least try and make yourself happy!

And back to my distractions from blogging... I have also started a photography course at NSCAD which is eating up lots of my time (and I LOVE IT!!), I started a new fitness plan that had me lose 15 lbs in three weeks and has started to change my body in ways I'm very happy about, my son had grade primary orientation, started little league baseball and just this Thursday graduated from preschool.

So I've had a lot on my plate... most of it has been very positive but of course there are a few bumps with the divorce, trying to become debt free and the realization that my baby is going to big school and I probably won't ever have a child that young again. 

And now to get back into routine!

William's Mother's Day Gift

I know it’s late to even bring this up, but I thought I would share what William got his mother for a Mother’s Day gift. And I should point out that William gets full reign in picking out the gifts for Jaime (unless it was something I couldn’t afford, of course).

The day we went to pick out her gift my Mom was in town, so after picking William up at this Mom’s we grabbed my Mom (Gramma) and headed to East Side Mario’s for supper… since it’s William’s favorite place to eat and it’s in the mall. Kind of a kill two birds one stone situation, although I don’t condone killing birds and if you have to kill a bird for some reason I don’t think stones is humane.

Anyway, while we were at dinner I tried to get William’s creative mind going on a gift. We had pretty much settled on going to a department store and looking for a board game. I know part of it was that William notices board games on tv and wants them for himself, but it’s his choice and Jaime would appreciate it either way.

We finished up our supper and went to Zellars. We walked thru the games section and nothing was catching his attention. He took the time to look high and low and got me to turn around multiple boxes so that he could look at the back and see how much fun could be had, but still nothing.

We then walked along the ends of all the rows in the toy section; cause really any excuse for William to spend an hour in a toy section is enough for him. When we got to the pink “Barbie” isle he commented on it being for girls and I asked if he wanted to check that out. Nope. But in the next isle he found some craft type toys and he wanted to further investigate.

And then he saw it… a blue Easy-Bake Oven. He looked at me and said “Daddio, MomMom would like that… she could bake me cookies” and that was it. He had made up his mind. And really, what Mom wouldn’t want an Easy-Bake Oven so they could spend some quality time with their son and make some lasting memories.

Love at first sight

I am going to sound all kinds of crazy here for a minute, but just humor me, okay?

I have mentioned before my unhealthy obsession with facebook… well I wouldn’t say that it’s unhealthy but would someone who is asylum crazy, think they are crazy? Anyway I love facebook because I’m nosey, I guess. My friends and I admit our creeping ways on facebook. It is a fairly open book of my friend’s lives… status updates with too much information about how their boyfriend cheated on them with a waitress, pictures of drunken moments, relationship status changes; it’s all there for their inner circle to find.

And then there is the tagged photo where you can see into completely random stranger’s photo albums depending on their privacy settings. THANK YOU to those of you who don’t filter your content. The people with completely open profiles: You are my favorite!

Well I was going thru one of my friend’s albums and found this person of interest. A person of interest because their looks blew me away. I clicked on the person’s name below the picture and BAM, I’m at the home page for their profile. I move the cursor over their profile picture and YAY it shows that I am able to click thru all of their profile pictures. Hoping for more, I go over to the photo tab and their albums are open for public viewing.

You can definitely learn a lot about a person from the pics they post on facebook. This profile in particular didn’t have any embarrassing photos that I wouldn’t post myself. Instead they show a sense of humor and confidence… and did I mention good looks?

In all honesty, when I saw this person’s profile I was slightly intoxicated by their looks. It was like in a movie when someone says… I knew when I saw you the first time that we would get married. Well that’s kind of how I felt… not the married part, but just blown away.

But then I thought about the fact that I don’t live in the same city and they probably only come home to Nova Scotia to visit family during the holiday season … and could I really be with someone who is better looking than me? Haha… see… back to the crazy.

Honesty... take it or leave it

We have all seen those tv sitcoms where a single parent goes out on a first date with someone and then struggle with the dilemma of whether or not to share that they have a child. Just in the last couple of weeks, I watched the new show with Alyssa Milano. In the episode she is on a first date and somehow a picture of her son comes out and she panics and says it was her ex-husband. As the show progresses they try and get some laughs out of the situation, but try as they may the show is a struggle.

Now, back on track with my original thought… when I find myself in the situation where I am talking about my personal life to someone who has potential I have made the choice that I am going to disclose the fact that I am a Dad. And why wouldn’t I?

I see those shows and I get their point that some people may be frightened off by the idea of you being a single parent. I understand that some people without kids may see parenthood as an added complication to a budding relationship. Cause with that child might be an angry ex-spouse who could cause stress. Or the child might normally monopolize the time of the parent. Or, let’s face it, not everyone likes or wants children and it might be a complete write off to any relationship potential.

But I have decided that being honest about that subject is important to me. It’s important because I am and will always be proud to be William’s Daddio. I will always hold him as my number one priority, because others can come or go, but William will always be there with me. And secondly, if you are someone who can’t consider yourself dating a Dad, then really we aren’t meant to get past that first date anyway.

This also leads to the timing factor of when I would ever introduce the two… hmm… I like to think I am a good gauge of people and will be able to feel when it’s right for the two to meet. My guess is that I will keep that situation from being premature... like I'm thinking it would be a couple of months or so.   Not just anyone I meet on the dance floor will immediately meet him. Just sayin.

Sometimes I even surprise myself

These last few weeks, with divorce looming in the near distance, I have been bombarded with feelings. The anger when I receive letters from her lawyer about them not being willing to budge on the right of first refusal, which I want in our agreement, and the sadness I feel about the finality of it all.

Yesterday, I got such a letter from her lawyer, being very aggressive and trying to make me out to be unreasonable. Saying things like “Mr. Brown’s demand for a new clause…” or “not prepared to go down the pathway Mr. Brown wants her to go.”, when all I want is to protect both of our interests as parents. To remove future conflict from arising. But apparently I’m unreasonable prick with only my own interests in mind.

Until today, when I realize that my gut reaction is to still be sympathetic to Jaime. And that my gut reaction is usually how I respond to her. That I’m not this heartless jerk that always has to win… which is how I am made out to be. But instead, I still feel like someone who is trying to protect her from a world that can sometimes be very cruel.

Today her parents went on a tropical vacation and it’s my weekend to have William. She dropped him off at my place this morning, so that my Mom can babysit him while we are both at work, and then he is with us for the weekend.

What do I do when I get to work? I email her… reaching out to her, when I’m sure she is realizing how long of a weekend it can be when you are absolutely alone. And I offer for her to join William and I for a meal over the weekend or to hang out for a bit, to break up her weekend if she is alone.

When she responds, that she is finding it all really hard, I even offer her to come back after work and have him over night. On my weekend! Why? Because I know how much it hurts. I know how much you can miss having your son with you, especially when you have no one else.

I hope for just one second she realizes that I’m still that person that she fell in love with and that I’m not the monster trying to rip her son from her hands.

Sidenote: My next post will not be about my divorce... I promise.

Anxious

I am very anxious right now. I think everything is just starting to hit me that soon I will be a divorced man. Something I never saw for myself and not something I think I am even really ready for. And in reality, who sees themselves getting divorced? But me? I was always someone who followed the expected path. I graduated high school, went onto university, started a career, got married, bought a house and had my first child. Now my life is all but on track... well at least not on that track anymore.

This week I had to meet with my lawyer to prepare for the final stages before the divorce becomes final. I brought in my paystubs and my latest tax filing and we spoke of the final issues I have with the corollary relief judgement, which is supplied to the judge along with the divorce filing. While I was there my lawyer tried to call the opposing lawyer to set up a four way meeting, in an attempt to resolve the final issues. I guess we just wait now to see whether a meeting can take place, and whether anything can be accomplished. In the last two years, there has been a lot of stalling and needless attempts to bully me into giving up most of my rights. And somehow I have gotten thru it all, but being faced with this meeting is not something I feel prepared for. I know I have the strength to get thru anything, but I don’t know how to give myself a pep talk for this one, especially now that I have this feeling in me.

Sure it’s been almost two years since my wife moved out of our home, but every single day and night I think about her. I think about it would be like if we got back together. I know I have mentioned it before, and I know it’s not a real possibility, and even if it happened there is no way it would work. Surely, the last two years have damaged us to an extent that even under the perfect circumstances, we could never move past these last two years.

But I do, truly, want my old life back. I made the mistake tonight of looking thru old photos. I also started thinking about my family tree and how I don’t have the family I once did. And it’s my fault. Sure neither of us was a perfect spouse; we both had things we needed to work on, but ultimately there are three words I said to her, that will forever have changed my life. Words that I honestly wish I had kept to myself. What if that was the biggest mistake of my life?

I am sure my therapist would say that I am still in the grieving process and that the actual divorce proceedings is a marker that I should have know would cause all of these feelings to rush to the surface, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. So what? I’m normal... yippee!

My heart hurts. It’s Friday night and I’m alone. In order to not sit home alone all night I went to the mall for a bit. I rented a movie, to try and distract myself, but so far, no dice.

I just hope, that after the ink dries on the divorce papers, that we can somehow find a place where we can at least be friends. And I’m not kidding myself into thinking it will be a normal friendship, but at least to a degree that we are no longer reading between the lines or are being over paranoid that the other is up to something. Maybe just friends enough that instead of only texting each other, she will answer my phone calls and talk to me. She was my best friend for half my life...

Update:  It's now Monday morning, and all weekend I have thought back to this post.  I have thought numerous times of deleting it, because really, does anyone want to read some of my most inner thought?  And then I thought... you know what?  It's my true feelings, and I shouldn't be ashamed to share those with anyone, and hey this is cheaper than most therapists charge, right? 

How to take a photo of you and your son, without the aid of another person

There are many times when William and I are out and about that I wish that I had a compact camera, so that I could extend my arm and take a self-portrait of us...  this is the best I have learned to do so far... hahaha.

On this day, we spent the entire day outside in the city and when we were about to wrap it up for the day I felt the surge of panick when I realized I couldn't feel my keys in my pocket.  I took this pic of us (I'm in the sunglasses reflection) while we waited for a two truck come and break into my car.

Brings out the worst?

Here is my random thought for today... and all because I am watching the Real Housewives of Orange County (yes, I'm a reality show junkie... and wha???)

There are those people who supposedly bring out the worst in people.  There is certain situations, when we are hanging out with certain people, where our actions might be different than our norm.  Perhaps, we drink more, are more outspoken, or like on the television series maybe we don't put up with as much from someone else in some sense.

My thought is that maybe those people don't bring out the worst in us, but maybe they empower us in some way.  Maybe instead of allowing ourselves to be walked over, we see the trait in that other person and realize that it's okay to stand up for ourselves and emmulate it.

Reality tv... it makes you think (and I'm not even drinking).

Newly (Re)united

Further to my random email post...

There has been some back and forth between the former friend and I, discussing our seperations.  Our situations are different, because of the involvement we had as fathers and he has a distance issue, which keeps him from even being able to have the access I have.  But we become united as a support for each other. 

It's strange to think, based on our past friendship, but he needs me.  He has a best friend that has let him down by not offering much support.  It's surprising to me, but seeing as his wife is best friends with the ex, I guess there was probably a conversation on the subject, and he is staying more in line with his wife, from what was suggested.

I offered him my support and some of the knowledge I have gained over the last couple of years.  I don't think he realizes what he is in for, but I gave him some insight that will hopefully not leave him unprepared for when things play out.  I'm not fooling myself into believing that we'll talk all that often, and honestly it is not something I want.  But I was very alone and know what it feels like to be on the path.  I will touch base and check up on him.  And if I can help him stay focused as a Dad then it's a bonus.

Random Email

Last night, just before I slid into bed, I decided to take one final look at my facebook to catch up on what my friends were up to during the evening.  There were the usually status updates on Dancing with the Stars, inside jokes and the occasional complaint about their kids, but what caught my attention was that I had two emails in my inbox.  Strange because I had already read a couple of emails earlier in the evening and wasn't expecting any additional responses.

Initially, I thought one of them had to be from my friend who went to Mexico, sure to tell me about how much Tequila he had consumed in a challenge set by another friend, or how much food was consumed at the buffet or possibly how one day in and his roommate for the week was already treading on thin ice.  But alas, the emails were not from him.

One email was from a friend from years ago, who moved away and based on their previous actions, I assumed was in hiding from years gone by.  I had noticed a picture of her as a suggested friend and had emailed her just to tell her I thought she looked amazing and hoped she was doing well.  The email in response was a thank you and wishing the same.  No additional dialogue, which is fine, but an email I still wasn't expecting.

But the other email was very random. It was from the male half of a couple that my wife and I had been friends with in the past.  A friend I had totally written off long before my marriage came apart at the seams, because I didn't feel that I was treated well in the relationship that we had.  I was outgoing and tried to be his friend, but got nothing in return.  I had let it bother me while it happened but wrote it off as sometimes people can just be friends on the surface, and there was nothing wrong with that.

The body of his email was about how he had heard a while ago about my seperation and that he thought of me often.  That he had heard details but was sceptical about some details and chalked a lot of things up to gossip and did not let anything reflect on me.  That he wondered how I was doing in the moving on process both for me personally and for William.  Then he went on to tell me that he was currently in the process of seperation as well and that he would love to hear any insight I might be able to provide as a father and with the whole legal process.  It was surprising.

I had heard that he had seperated and though his circumstances may be different in some ways, I think they could be similar in others.  When I run home at lunch I plan on taking some time to draft an email to him and offer any guideance that I can on how to survive his divorce without giving up too much of his childrens lives and on what to expect in the process.  How to deal with his ex's emotions that might heat up fights.  How to protect himself and how to deal with the fall out from in-laws, family and friends.  And what to look for in a lawyer if he hasn't already found one.  And my opinion stays the same on this (and my ex wife will disagree); you should seek a lawyer that wants conciliation instead of fighting every issue.  Cause a couple of years down the road, when emotions are in the past, you still want to be able to have a friendly relationship with the other parent.  You owe that to your children, if nothing else.

Conscript

It's been almost a year since I was invited by a friend of mine, Jake Owens, to take part as an extra in his short film called Conscript.  That experience is responsible for me having a bit of a dream come true in being involved in a film, seeing behind the scenes and I was able to meet the majority of people who have become my regular circle of friends.

Initially, there was a child actor who was set to play the daughter of the two main characters, but when they didn't show up I got a frantic call from Jake asking to borrow William for the shoot to play their son.  He ended up getting his name in the credits and from all of the comments I heard from people who watched it, William's "performance" was a tear-jerker.

Check out the trailer and the before and after sections to see some of the experience I had.  

http://www.owensproductions.com/conscript.html

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Sleep Interupted

It's funny how I can outwardly be okay,  but stress can poke it's ulgy head out in strange ways.  And it's doing it again. 

When my dad passed away I lost the ability to sleep through the night.  It was strange... I went from someone who could sleep through thunder and lightning to someone who developed a strange habit of needing to use the bathroom every single night. 

And when I think about it, when I was overwhelmed in my first year of university my mind would race so badly at bedtime that I thought I was losing my mind and had convinced myself that I had a brain tumor.

Now I am essentially two years into the seperation with my wife and my sleep patterns are again interupted.  It can be tossing and turning  and then finally reaching that level of half sleep where you are aware of where your mind is drifting, but time is passing quickly enough that you swear you must have slept for a portion of the time.  Or it can be me waking up in the middle of the night in panic; looking around the bedroom for the comfort of my old life.  I can't shake it. 

I will always miss my life as a married man.  There were issues that needed to be resolved, but I miss my wife desperately.  I miss my best friend.  I know that time will heal a lot of what we have gone through but right now it's hard.  Please let tonight be a night full of peaceful sleep.