True colors will come shining thru

So it's 1 am and I got in from a date about half an hour ago.  It's a guy I've dated casually for the last couple of weeks and if I was open to it, I think the potential is very strong that this guy could become a boyfriend.  But that is not going to happen.  And it's not going to happen for two reasons.

Reason 1.  I don't want to be a boyfriend right now.  I don't want to lose myself again.  I don't want to give up the majority of my free time.  I don't want to life the life where I am constantly in a race to get from work to someone.  I don't want to have two separate lives... the one with my son and the one with my boyfriend.  I still want to work on myself.  I have fitness goals I did not reach by my birthday and I want to see what level I can reach.

Reason 2.  I am sick of the bullshit.  That's a very general statement and it's because I'm pissed off that it's even a reason, but here's the deal...

I met this guy face-to-face a few weeks ago at a bar.  Cheers to be exact.  It was a gay event being held and I was out with friends and knew he would be there.  We had chatted some before going so we both had planned on at least a hello.

Well that night we said hello.  That was it.  An acknowledgement.  And it was enough for me.  I was having fun with my friends and he was with his.  But come to find out one specific person, a former friend, told him to avoid me and that I was nothing but trouble.  And when did I find this out?  On my first date with this guy, the next week.

We met for a beer and he explains what had transpired.  I was instantly deflated.  I sat there with a full glass in front of me and no escape plan in place.  I looked out at the faces of passers-by wondering how I would ever get thru the date.  How I could somehow explain that I was a good person no matter what was said and that if he had any knowledge of the source that should be all the explanation he would need.  But somehow I talked myself into turning my mindset around and prove this guy wrong.  And it was a success.  Not only did I survive the beer, but the evening carried on for a few more hours and upon dropping the guy off I got a request for a second date before I even got my car in the driveway. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks to tonight and again over a beer, before a movie, I was told that my name came up the weekend before by another guy in the group of former friends.  And obviously I use the term friend very loosely.  This time it was said that I had cheated on my ex and that is why we broke up.

What.The.Fuck?

Where is the logic?  I was the one to dump the ex-boyfriend.  I was the one who cut him out of my life.  I was the one who told him to leave me out of his drama.  I was the one who was begged to take him back.  I was the one who was told that if I EVER changed my mind and wanted him back, even if he was in a new relationship then he would dump them for me in a heartbeat.  Where in all of that is the logic that matches to me being a cheater?  

But my reaction was that I was completely gutted.  I actually wanted to put hands to face to cover the tears that were about to erupt.  How can it be that after such a long span of time it can still be important to try and hurt me?  That I can still be a thought in any of their minds.  I don't get it.  It would be one thing to try and ruin my reputation at the time I dumped him, in order to salvage any of his own reputation... but so much time has passed I should just be a faint memory.  I don't get it.

Instead I just said... I'm trying to be the bigger person here and I don't want to go into details but I could prove the opposite is true.  And I thought to myself... clearly my actions match my story.  I'm a stand up guy who is not trying to get into the drama and I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I was a catch of a boyfriend to this guy at the time and I'm more of a catch now that I've grown so much over the last couple of years.  And I am a strong believer in that a person's true colors will always show if given enough time.

Time flies

Wow, it is close to a year since I have posted.  In all honesty I pretty much forgot this blog even existed until someone made a comment on one of my posts.  And it got me to thinking about how therapeutic writing was to me.  Maybe it's time to start this thing up again.

A quick point-form list of what I've been up to and what I plan to write about includes:

• Thoughts on coming out to my son, officially
• Worrying your ex-wife caught you on a walk-of-shame, that's not really a walk-of-shame
• Opening up to possibilities and the consequences
• Watching another couple's divorce path and realizing how far we've come
• English accents at a party can lead to me seemingly being proven right
• That awkward moment when you discuss Pride with your ex-wife
• Questioning true friendships and expectations I put on those friends
• Two female friends partake in cheating as "the Other Woman"
• Retire, Fire, Fire... team-build
• And where does one go from here

I don't fool myself into thinking it will be entertaining reading to everyone but hey my story might be entertaining to someone.  Ha! 

New Year's Resolution

On the eve of my 34th birthday I have decided to blog about where I am today in my mind.  It's a moment of looking at my reflection in the mirror.  Sure there are a few more wrinkles and a few more grey hairs but I think I look great for 34 (or 29+5 as some people like to refer to it).

For some reason I'm really looking forward to starting a new year.  I'm very optimistic about the direction my life will take this year.  I'm sure part of that is due to the fact that I'm on vacation this week and I'm leaving for NYC Thursday morning.  But I think a bigger part of it is that my life is quite settled.  

My divorce has been finalized, and with the exception of my ex-wife trying to increase her child support things are in a good place.  She just moved into her own place and I'd almost venture to say we are almost friends again.

I have also developed strong friendships with a couple of guys and grew closer with my friend Tori.  In the last year I have also walked away from a group of gay men who thrive on drama.  Sure my social life has changed and even Tori thinks I have isolated myself unnecessarily, but I have come to a point in my life where I would prefer to lose friends that have friends who talk behind each other's backs and try to hard to be something they feel is admired.  And walking away gave me a real sense of peace.  There really does come a time where you let go, and it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and self-confidence.

My career on the other hand is in a very strange place.  I have no idea where my path lies, at this point.  There is a lot of turmoil in our office due to an over-abundance of work and lack of support from top management.  I have held meetings with management and we had a department meeting with management and there is a lot of talk without any backing up.  The staff, who have been there for many years are more frustrated than ever and some have started looking for new employment.  I warned the COO specifically that we are in borderline crisis mode and if we lose one member the crisis is guaranteed.  We will see what that means for my future.  At this point I'm not actively looking but I will keep my options open.

My career is also unsettled because I'm considering a real path change.  I have watched members on the corporate latter one step higher than myself and I see them continually be over-worked and under-appreciated and have an unhealthy work-life balance.  I don't see myself in those positions and I cannot justify continuing to spend thousands of dollars in tuition to put myself in that place.  I have officially decided to withdrawal from my professional designation program and take some time to look at new options.

I have been fortunate enough to travel this year.  I have been to Montreal, Mexico, Toronto and this week will be travelling to NYC solo.  In travelling I have also done a lot of thinking.  I have put my life on hold in many ways over the last few years.  I have stayed living back at "home" and have not really allowed myself to be open to dating anyone.  I'm making it a resolution this year to open up and take a few risks.  There are lyrics in the Maroon 5 song "How" that say

"though I don't understand the meaning of love

I do not mind if I die trying"

I think I'm willing to die trying.  I've questioned whether I really believe that love is enough and I've wondered if a true love really exists.  I'm no closer to the answer but I think romantically enough to be willing to spend my life trying and I know that risks being hurt.

So it's going to be another year of self-improvement mentally and physically.  It's going to be a year of taking risks and truly living life.  It's going to be a year of getting my life to a place I'm proud of or at least closer to my goals.  I will never give up on myself. 

Just can't settle

I don't know what's wrong with me... I have a complete inability to settle for things.  I'm 33.  I should be settled in my career but I'm not.  To be honest there's not that much I'm overly content with in my life.  What the eff is wrong with me?

I think I need a life coach.  

I want to take a risk and switch careers.  I want to move to a new city.  I want to date.  But I won't.  And five years from now I'll regret not having done it now.

I have one thing holding me here in Halifax and it's a six year old sitting in front of me eating pudding and watching cartoons before bed.  Well really it's my ex-wife holding me here, cause I have asked her to move so William could come with me.  Haha.

PS.  I know this post is unacceptably short and it's long overdue, but summer is the busiest time of the year it seems and I figure a post is better than none, and will hopefully get me back on track.  After all I've got some stories to share.

Update: After posting this a few hours ago I felt it necessary to make another note.

I am someone who is okay with never settling in one sense.  I NEVER want to be someone who is in a relationship where I settle at the expense of myself, just to be with someone.  And I would love to achieve personal goals, which also requires I don't settle into complete routine.  However, it would be great, if I could feel a bit more content in my choices in career and not always wonder if there's something better when feeling overworked and under-appreciated and there's no end in sight.

Going to Toronto Pride 2011

Recently a cousin of mine moved to Toronto.  He is someone I never really knew until I came out; I reached out to him via facebook in a hopes of having someone in the family to talk to.  Little did I know that we would become such great friends and support to each other.

When he first talked of moving to Toronto, I was not surprised because he has the personal style that is light years ahead of our, at times, small minded city of Halifax.  He begged me to go with him; take a year away from Nova Scotia and just experience life exploring a strange city.  Of course I had to decline, because of my son, but I still allowed myself to dream of what it would be like to start over and be a stranger to everyone I met.

I promised I would visit him repeatedly and my first chance came in June.  I messaged him and said I was watching flight prices and he suggested I come up for Toronto Pride.  I didn`t hesitate.  I checked dates and whether they would jive with my work load and within minutes of having management approval I booked my flight.

I will be leaving June 29th, for a right of passage a lot of gay folks want to experience: a pride that could never be duplicated in the small cities and rural areas of Canada.  The first couple of nights I will spend with my sister, just visiting and maybe getting a little tipsy.  Then on Canada Day I will meet up with my cousin to take in all the crazy that will be Toronto Pride 2011.  I have no clue what I am in store for, but I know I`ve got stamina on the dance-floor; I have great tolerance for crowds and I can`t wait to be part of a community taking over one of the major cities of the world in celebration of just being ourselves.

Now if only I had had the self-discipline enough to work harder at the gym and avoid carbs.  Ha!

Being called a DILF is a title I'm proud of... but not for all the wrong reasons

Upon a few instances of chatting with guys, since coming out of the closet, I have been called a DILF.  Now, we all know what that term means, so I'm not going to spell it out, but I am flattered some guys have considered me a DILF.

And just a couple weeks ago I was having a conversation with some women in our accounting office and they told a story about having gone out for drinks at the Lower Deck and a server told them they were MILFs.  Initially not all of them knew what that meant, but were filled in pretty quickly.  Our conversation went on to a couple of the women saying they had felt insulted by that term... and I was all... Hold up, WHAT?  You were insulted?  It wasn't like he called you cougars.  If someone younger finds you attractive enough to think about getting up on ya (I'm so street), then you should be pretty proud that you've maintained your looks.

Now back to the term DILF.  I'm proud to be called it, no matter the connotation, because I am happy I'm maintaining my looks and more importantly cause I'm a Dad.  

It's the one thing in my life I'm most proud of.  I'd be that Dad who has that wallet insert that rolls to the ground full of picture of my son, if I could fit one in my wallet.  He makes me happy to be alive.  He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep.  To me Father's day is a day I consider myself pretty freaking blessed.  Not every man will get to experience the relationship I have and that's unfortunate.  Being a parent is amazingly rewarding.

Now I know not all men are as involved, or even care to be, as I am with William.  I grew up with a Dad who lacked the parenting (or even caring skills a lot of the time) that I have and if anything that makes me work that much harder to be a good Dad.  You've got one chance to raise a child, so I say go all in... your wager will be well worth it.

This morning I was given a gift bag from William with items he picked out.  I got a Where's Waldo book, Sour Patch kids (my favorite candy), a vampire squeeze toy, a Toy Story egg and most importantly a home made card.  It's a card I will keep forever... and I'll be honest I hope even when William is my age, he still makes me home made cards.

He made the card in school the front cover says "My Dad By William", inside he drew a picture of me and says "My Dad likes to tickle me" and on the back cover it says "Me and my Dad like watching the Simpsons".  Could any Hallmark card top that?  NEVER!

Happy Father's Day out there to all the men who try really hard to make great memories and lead by example!

Coming out of the closet, again

I'm starting to realize that there will be times in my life where I'm going to have to come out of the closet again and again.  I'm not a flaming homo and I have an ex-wife and a son so people tend to assume that I'm straight.  And in making that assumption people will make comments that unintentionally put me on the spot.

And that's where I am right now, at my place of work.  I've been there over three months and as people learn more about me and develop friendships they say things based on the assumption that I'm 100% straight.  And I feel like I MUST come out at work very soon, because I almost feel like I'm lying about who I am.  And I haven't gone thru all of this struggle, to hide again.

My intention is to just pass on the fact that I'm a homo in conversation, at some point, without drawing much attention to it.  It's just a fact of my life; I've dealt with it and have nothing to be ashamed of yet I don't know why I've gone this long without just spitting it out.

The office culture I work in is well varied.  There is the full working age range represented in my office, and even within the group I work relatively close with.  Some of the older generation's opinion, I expect will be judgmental and not understanding but that's their issue, not mine.  There are also, at least two openly gay employees and having run into one of them at a local gay bar, I feel like I would rather address this rumor openly myself than have him create gossip about it.  Sidenote: he was very drunk, making out and feeling up another guy while on the dance floor and didn't notice me, so it's not a current concern.

Now I just have to find a way to bring it up.  I foresee two easy possibilities in the next couple of weeks: going to lunch with a coworker tomorrow, cause she wants to vent and a summer work party where drinks and dancing are involved and expected.  I just hope that by the end of June I'll have succeeded in coming out of the closet again.

Open Relationship

The longer I'm part of the open gay community I learn that it's very common for gay couples to have an open relationship.  There are varying degrees of openness... from completely open, to vacation open to third party open.  Now those aren't official titles to the types of relationships gay men can share, but more my own spin on things.

Completely open is where both men in the relationship allow each partner to have sexual encounters with whomever they choose.  Vacation open is where a couple (at least claims) to be monogamous except when on vacation out of their home town.  When on vacation the will either seek sexual rendezvous separately or together with complete strangers in a new pool of gay men.  And third party open is when a couple will welcome a third into their bedroom on a regular basis, but won't fool around with anyone else without the partner being present.  They don't consider any of these experiences as cheating.

The fact that it's so common worries me.  I'm not sure that I can be in a committed relationship when a third party would be involved to any degree.  I know my therapist told me that I need to accept the distinction between love and sex... and in the big picture I can easily do that.  I know that we don't love everyone we have sex with, but when I'm in a relationship I don't know that I could watch someone I love being so into someone else.  Surely, somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind a part of me will become jealous.  Jealous that I cannot provide whatever is lacking in my relationship or sex-life that is being fulfilled by this third person.

Maybe I'm completely wrong.  Maybe these men who partake in such relationships are light-years ahead socially and are able to compartmentalize experiences and just enjoy the excitement of the moment.  And this could be the secret to their success in maintaining a relationship in the long term... because it really is just sex.

I clearly have a lot to learn... but I've got lots of time to dig into my thoughts on it since I haven't even been on a date in ... I don't even remember how long.  But that is by choice... I've gotten a few offers.

I'd do just about anything right now...

It's true... I'd do just about anything right now to have someone to snuggle into bed with right now.  It's cold and I'm lonely.  If there was someone laying in bed right now I'd be asleep in seconds.

I'd do just about anything right now...

It's true... I'd do just about anything right now to have someone to snuggle into bed with right now.  It's cold and I'm lonely.  If there was someone laying in bed right now I'd be asleep in seconds.

Facebook crush is now a facebook friend

So I accepted the dares and sent a facebook friend request.  I waited until after Mother's day because I had a family vacation pic, from Mexico, and I didn't want him to flat out think I was straight.  Bahahaha... probably one of the first times in life I wanted someone's first impression of me to be a gay man.

So I posted this iPhone self-portrait...

 cause it's just an everyday pic of me really.

And within probably 12 hours I had a new friend.  To say that I instantly got a huge smile on my face was an understatement.  Not because I'm delusional and think that there's any sort of mutual attraction, but because the dare and subsequent risk paid off.

I emailed Jody and she gave me a few words of inspiration "You never know what might happen if you don't take a chance. We often don't regret the things we do, it's the things we don't that leave us wondering 'what if'"

And so I took a bit of time to draft an email that explained the reason he got my request... but without (hopefully) sounding psycho.  I left out the crush part.  And kind of asked him to look me up next time he's in town, in a passive way.

He replied almost instantly, thanking me for the explanation and telling me to let him know if I ever make it to Montreal.  And strangely, or maybe a little fate could be intervening, a couple of days ago my cousin asked me to drive with him to TO when he moves at the end of the month and we planned on staying in Montreal one night to live it up.  Now I guess I might get to at least have a coffee if he's not tied up.

What am I? A 15 year old girl?

It's that time of the year when animal instincts take over and people start hooking up like they're the only one in the world responsible for the survival of the species.  Around these parts two couples have broken up recently and from accounts of last Saturday night there was a lot of hook up activity going on in Halifax.  

Me on the other hand?  I'm like that 15 year old insecure girl.  I spent my weekend with a sick little boy at home watching reality television and checking out homes on MLS, trying to keep my financial goals in check.  Oh right, the 15 year old girl part... I've become the expert at having facebook crushes.  And my favorite are those guys who leave albums open so I can get multiple looks at friends of friends... or even just friends in one case.  

Anyway, today, while checking out the guest list of an upcoming gathering (that one of the recently broken up gents is throwing Friday night) I noticed one person has declined the event.  Since he was cute I decided to check out his profile.  Turns out that I quasi know this guy.  Well in reality I don't know him at all, but we have multiple friends in common, and he attended a rival high school.  And oddly enough, a couple of summers ago, while partying in Montreal with a cousin and some friends I saw him at a gay bar.  We had one of those awkward moments where you lock eyes and realize you recognize each other but not sure where.  And being that 15 year old girl, I'd never be brave enough to have said hello.

And in order to emphasize my immaturity, I emailed a common friend, who lives in London, England to confirm he went to that rival high school and she actually encouraged me to contact him... which I would never do.  Instead I'll just check out his profile pics a few more times over the next week and try and move on.  Hahahahaha.

That being said, if your name is Andrew and you some how found this blog, please contact me... I'm all over having a conversation.  

Found: One early-thirties guy with his shit together

It's been almost three years since I came out and my life crumbled before my eyes.  And on March 11th my divorce became final.  That chapter of my life is officially over according to a few pieces of paper and thousands of dollars.

I feared the day it all became final because I thought it would throw me for a tail-spin, even though I knew the day was coming.  But when my ex-wife mentioned to me that it was finalized I was saddened but there was also a sense of having been desensitized to the reality because we've been living apart for so long.  

The road has been a long one to get to today but one thing I gained from all of this pain and loneliness is that I have truly found myself.  This period of time, being a single adult man has given  me a true sense of self and clarity that I don't think I have ever had.

I was known to most people as part of a couple for half my life.  I was the type of guy who fit into a mold and followed the logical path in life and never wanted to inconvenience anyone else.  Then one day I wasn't someone who followed the life path that so many take.  I struggled with my own identity and had to fight for the rights to even see my son on regular schedule.

And in walking this new path, I had to develop my own new community.  I had to find new friends and develop a support system.  And I had to be okay with sleeping alone, in an empty house and eat meals by myself.  The silence was deafening and I'm sure I showed signs of depression.

I was lucky to find a few key people who have given me tools to be okay.  One of those people was a guy named Jake who introduced me to hot yoga.  Hot yoga has become a way for me to escape the outside world and focus simply on breath and heartbeat and I leave the studio feeling renewed and with a sense of peace.  I know it sounds clichéd but it's true.  

Time has also been a vehicle that has helped me gain some clarity.  I know I'm a good person.  I know I have a lot to offer anyone I have a relationship with.  And I'm completely capable of being a single man.  I've always been a man who cooked and cleaned, but I can now say that I'm a man who has created a comfortable home for my son.  And this passing of time has allowed me to transition from fearing my days/weekends without William to someone who made the most of that time by catching up on chores that may have slipped, catching up with friends, or spending a Friday night being lazy on the couch because the 5:45 wake up times had caught up to me.  It's okay to be alone; I'm independent and perhaps that is a trait that my son will notice and incorporate into his own development.  

Three years ago I don't think I would predict that I would be where I am right now.  I think I would have predicted that I'd still be struggling to find a new equilibrium, but I'm happy to say I survived and came out the other side knowing myself better than I ever have.  I have a strength inside me that I underestimated and although I don't want to be single forever, I know it's okay.  And I've set certain standards for myself in hopes of never losing myself again.

Sure I still have some work to do but I know I will be okay.

I'm off the market!

It's official.  After three plus weeks of being unemployed I have officially received a job offer and I can't quite wipe the smile off my face.

I had applied for a position of Financial Analyst in early to mid-January that had a closing date of January 20th.  I had given up hope that I had a shot since I had not heard anything but then almost two weeks ago I got a call about the position asking what my required salary range was.  We all know how I feel about that question!  I gave them my goal salary, which was above my ending salary at my last job and was told I was within their range and that someone would contact me the next week.  Then last Tuesday I got a call requesting an interview for Wednesday; I accepted and rushed home to re-read the posting to see what the duties would be.   I then decided to do a bit of company research and go thru a matching exercise between my achievements and their requirements trying to predict their questions.

Upon walking into the firm on Wednesday morning, looking pretty fly in my suit if I must say so myself, I was completely impressed.  This firm is beautiful and I felt a twinge of being out of my league but then shook my head and refocused.  I waited for the HR manager to arrive. She soon ushered me into a boardroom overlooking the water, where we were joined by the COO and the director of finance.  I decided to ignore their titles and just be myself.

I got thru the interview, asked a few questions and left the office convinced that this was the job I wanted.  I walked back to my car re-hashing the questions/responses and whether there was anything I would change... and other than potentially inserting some humor I was satisfied.  I told myself I would just stay positive and see what happens.

By this morning, I had actually given up hope since it's been almost a week.  But then, while playing a board game with William my phone rang and I recognized the phone number.  It was the HR manager seeking my references.  I emailed them over to her, and within a couple of hours I had confirmation from two of those references that they had spoken with her already.  I was trying to hold back excitement because I could still be up against other candidates.  And then my phone rang... I was officially being offered the position.  At my asking salary, with full benefits from day one.  I tried to hide my excitement and got thru the call making a few notes and awaited my formal offer to arrive via email.

So here I go... feeling slightly intimidated but excited for the challenge.  Monday will be day one!

Someone in my bed

Today I expected my Mom to come into the city, but with road conditions not being the best because of blowing snow, she decided to wait until tomorrow.  She's coming to the city for William's 6th birthday and will stay until Sunday.  I had mentally prepared myself for her arrival: planning on making Chicken stir-fry, heading to yoga in the afternoon and that we'd relax and watch tv in the evening.  Since the plan changed so did my day.  I had a nap in the afternoon, went birthday shopping, had leftovers for supper, studied most of the evening and took the 9pm hot yoga class.  I found myself avoiding staying home because with the change in plans I found myself very lonely.

It's funny how something as simple as that can change how I feel about my independence.  I'm used to living alone but sometimes it really gets to me.  And I often have the thought that I wish there was someone in my bed.  And not for any reason sexual, but just to snuggle into, or to hear breath, or to have unspoken companionship.  I guess I should dig out the body pillow and create a lump in the bed next to me.  Haha!

Overtime

Sidenote:  Wow... I've been away for a while now, eh?  It's funny how once you're unemployed you don't have enough time in the day to accomplish everything you want to.  How did I ever fit work in?

I'm in my second week of unemployment and this week I got a call for a staff accountant job position I had applied for in mid-January.  It's in the energy industry which should have a fairly good chance of being a stable industry so I accepted the offer for an interview.  And during the interview process two of the topics I hate to discuss during an interview came up: salary expectations and overtime.

The question of salary expectations came up during the initial phone call and again during the panel interview.  In both instances I gave them a dollar figure.  By giving them my expectation on the phone call I feel it already puts a limit on how well I can do during an interview, because they are already biased based on their budgetary constraints.  And then to ask again during the interview just confused me.  Were they hoping that I was going to change my mind?  Were they hoping I had been intimidated by some questions and the scope of the position so they hoped I would drop my expectation?  

The other question I hate is whether I'm willing to work overtime.  To me there is no option to how this question can be answered, and if I bombed the interview this would be the point.  I hesitated to answer for a moment and in watching faces I feel like this was not completely acceptable.  Now I am one who tries to leave work on time everyday, but I am a dedicated employee and if something has a deadline I will stay to meet that deadline.  But at the same time, I also have a life outside of work.  

Towards the end of the interview I brought overtime back up and explained that I wanted to discuss it further.  I explained that I have no issue working overtime at those times like month-end or year-end when deadlines are tight, but that if the job required overtime on a daily basis then this wasn't the position for me, because I am a dedicated father also.  The head of HR stepped in and explained their stance on work-life balance and that family is very important, but then she went on to explain a practice that is becoming all to familiar in Canada.

She told me that many woman, specifically, will take a laptop home with them and after they put their kids to bed they will work for an hour or two... Um, WHAT?  This is acceptable work-life balance?  I agree the flexibility to have a laptop to work from home is a great thing, but for it to be regular practice for someone to put their kids to bed and then go back to work is no work-life balance.  This is a clear sign that a company is understaffed.  Regular overtime is a sign of inefficiency or an unacceptable workload.

So now I'm at a crossroads in my mind.  I haven't received a second interview request yet, but they did ask for my references and whether I had any vacation plans in the next few months, which lean towards them considering me as a real candidate.  If I do get that call I'm going to have to ask some real questions to decide whether I will be a good fit for this company.  Or if maybe I continue in the process and if I attain the position work there until I can secure another job.

Oh this whole game causes the mind to race...

Disposable friend

It's funny how a person or group of people can make me, at 33 year old man, turn into an insecure 14 year old.  What is it about someone that can make me lose my confidence?  And I have allowed those moments effect my thinking enough that I consider avoiding interactions with those people.

I don't know if it's because I grew up never feeling like I ever truly fit in.  Or that I was made to feel like the disposable friend many times over the years.  I thought all the work I have done on myself over the last few years have reduced the importance I used to place on fitting in and allowed me to move forward with little concern about other's opinions of me.  I guess old habits are hard to break.

But since we're in 2011, I have made a strong commitment to myself to reach my potential in all aspects of my life.  I'm not going to avoid situations that may initially be uncomfortable, instead I'm going to embrace them as new challenges for me to over come.  This weekend will be one of those challenges, a close friend's birthday party.  

Coincidentally, I received a phone call around 9:30 Monday night from a friend I haven't seen since Hallowe'en. He's someone I've gotten to know over the last couple of years and someone who has turned to me for help on a couple of occasions.  I respect his determination in life and admire him for, at times, walking to the beat of his own drum.  His call was solely to find out where I've been lately; that he's noticed my drifting away from the group.  He wasn't looking for cause or gossip, just wanted to know everything was okay and show genuine care for our friendship.  As if I didn't respect him enough already, he's gone ahead and boosted my confidence without even knowing it.  He reinforced the thinking I've been trying to foster when I'm feeling  insecure; that most of it is my own mental game and that people do value my friendship.

Perhaps I'm not disposable.  This year I'm starting to believe it.

Imma own this one!

I'll look back on 2010 as a year I learned many great lessons.  It was a year that I realized that I could make friends without the help of anyone, that given time people always show their true colors, that if I hold certain expectations of others then I will probably be disappointed, that being single was something I was okay with, and that eating cleaner can do some amazing things to your body.

My 2010 did not end on the highest note, however I count my blessings because most of the things which were negatives were trivial.  

I lost my job towards the end of the year and still haven't been able to secure my next posting.  I can feel the stress building within me but I'm trying to stay positive.  I believe things happen for a reason and have to trust it was for the best.

In the spring of 2010 I lost one of my best friends.  Well I guess I didn't lose him, but instead asked him to leave my life.  Sadly, there was some actions going on behind my back that made me realize that I was being played for a fool and I only take things so long.  The spring was the straw that broke the camel's back and I made it clear that I wouldn't be walked over any longer.  Because of that choice, that friend then campaigned with my circle of friends to get deep into the circle and push me out.  He's pretty much succeeded and it culminated this fall.  I took it personally and it still hurts, if I'm being completely honest.  But over the last couple of months I realized that I'm not responsible for the actions of others, that I cannot control what others say about me and that I truly don't have to try and defend myself to anyone.  If any of my friends believe the lies told about me and/or don't have the respect enough for me to talk to me about it, then I really don't need them in my life any longer either.  It's a sad reality but one lesson I'm happy I learned.

I look to 2011 with a lot of promise.  Things are going to look up and  very quickly, I have no doubt.  I will find a new career path and am looking forward to a new challenge.  If I had the option I wouldn't even finish out the month because perhaps the pressure of being unemployed will kick my drive into gear.

I also have two trips on the horizon.  My family is going somewhere tropical (probably Cuba) in April.  We've talked about it for the better part of a year and I have already started saving for William's portion of the trip.  I love the beach and to spend a week in the sand and warm waters with my family is going to be a dream come true.  The other trip is to Vancouver.  I've never been to the west coast of Canada yet and it's on my bucket list, so when I got an invite to a July wedding in the city I pretty much committed to being there.  I just need to know I'll be employed and then I'm booking my flight.  

And based on the crazy times I had with friends this year, I have no doubt 2011 will also bring adventure.  I realize that life is short and although I have big strides planned for my financial position, with proper planning and budgeting I hope this year will be one of the best so far.  I have new friends and memories to make and after a few months of rebuilding strength and enhancing my confidence I have no doubt I will own this year.

Happy New Year Everyone!

MashUp

I've been kinda offline cause it feels like I don't have a lot of free time lately.  So instead of an entry with one specific topic this is going to be a mash up of my last two weeks.

My interview went well with Nova Scotia Power and I left unsure if I would get a job offer.  Not that I felt like I messed any one question up, but I was very clear to the panel that I hoped to stay at my current job until the end of January (and they were hoping to fill their position within the next couple of weeks) and the guy I would be reporting to was someone I went thru grade school with and never was really friends with.  I played with the idea of whether I could work for someone I grew up with but today I got a call that they hired internally so my decision was made for me.  The HR contact was nice enough to let me know they were impressed with my interview and would contact me if another competition arose.

In relation to legal issues I have decided to drop the last issue I have with the divorce.  I spent a lot of time wondering if I would be making a big mistake but thought realistically about the money I would spend for the chance to get what I want when William will soon become more vocal about what he wants and we'll have to listen to a larger extend.  I'm not sure how quickly things will move now but we'll see.

This past weekend was a little crazy.  Let's start with Friday... I attended guerrilla gayfare.  What is guerrilla gayfare you may ask?  It's when the gay community decide to all arrive at a "non-gay" bar all wearing the same color, or ugly Christmas sweaters this month, and go out to make a few new friends.  I didn't have an ugly Christmas sweater so I attached a fabric advent calendar to my shirt and headed out with my friends.  We enjoyed some drinks, chatted to lots of people and danced to the live band... and heck, we even had a doctor buy a round of Stella for us.  Not a bad night.

Saturday I did some Christmas shopping with my Ma and had a nap in the late afternoon.  Soon the text messages were coming in asking me to head out to retro night at the Paragon.  It's probably one of my favorite events here in Halifax so I couldn't turn it down.  We danced to music we grew up on and sweated our asses off.  A new friend of mine decided to join us but sadly didn't make it until the end of retro night (2am) so we went on to Reflections to dance for a couple more hours.  This is the point where I should have gone home... but since he had made the effort I went.  We were having a great time and I ran into some friends I haven't seen in a while and around 3:30 am he started passing out on the dance floor... I tried to get him to leave and in doing so a "friend" of his joined us asking where we were going and insisting he was a boyfriend.  They had some words and things were getting very serious.  I took my friend out in the hopes of getting out before things got messy.  Once outside I asked if he would be okay and he said he thought so, we took off and about half a block later all hell broke loose.  His "friend" showed up and started yelling at him again, and got in my face at one point, before beating this poor guy.  Punching, kicking and dragging the guy into the street by his hair before throwing him to the ground.  I had no idea what to do, and I'm no a fighter so sadly I only had the option of calling 911... police statements were given and by around 4:30am I was home crawling in bed while shaking my head.  WTF is wrong with people?  

Sunday morning I was up at 9am and headed out to get William from his Mom's to take him to my work kids Christmas party.  It was at Winter Wonderland, which is a huge indoor event full of bouncy castles, carnival games, Santa Claus and cookie decorating.  William had a blast and I loved watching him have such a good time with the other kids.  

And then back to work... my week has been nuts.  Deadlines are all merging together, tempers are flaring and  we are all trying to focus on the task at hand... wrapping up the company in a professional manner.  To say that the drinks at our Christmas party on Friday will go down easy will be an understatement.

Well I should take off... I'll try and get back sooner this time.

Fork in the road

As I mentioned a while back the company that I work for was for sale.  On November 1st the $2+ billion dollar transaction took place; something that had increased our workload substantially over the summer.  And on Tuesday a town-hall meeting was called for all offices across Canada.  It would be at noon-hour meeting for us on the Atlantic coast.  Fear in the office was slightly escalated but at the same time, since we had received limited information on any restructuring, our hopes were that we would get some insight as to how our next few months would be affected.

We received an inner-office invite to merge in the conference room at 11:30 and have some lunch as we prepared for the tele-conference.  I opted to skip the pizza because I'm trying to get back on track with my eating and joined the group around 11:45.  As I walked down the hall to the conference room I noticed two of our VPs in the smaller conference room with someone I didn't recognize and instantly I felt my heart rate quicken.  

I joined the group with were all in active conversations, yet all nervously watching the door.  I sat down next to my friend Karen and soon the receptionist Karma joined us and we made idle chit chat.  Then one of the VPs came out and asked Karma to go downstairs because about 10 people would be arriving and needed to be escorted up to the board room.  My heart sunk and I knew what was coming next.

The group arrived in suits and stern faces.  Most shuffled their way thru the crowd and stood at the front of the room as the new owners started the conference call.  Most of the call I couldn't pay attention to because it was obvious that our future was negatively changing and it was out of our control.  We were told that we would each have one-on-one meetings with the members of staff from the new company to discuss our future and that for those who were not continuing on packages would be detailed.  Tears welled in my eyes.

The call lasted maybe 10 minutes but the weight on everyone's shoulders was beyond bearable.  We went back to our desks and waited out our individual turns.  We couldn't work; not only because we could not concentrate but also because all internet, including email was shut down until after meetings were held.  People who had been employed with the company long enough had a feeling we were all out of jobs immediately and started packing up their desks.  I did the same.  Taking down pictures of William and throwing out non-essential papers and gathering up the social committee petty cash and receipts and putting them in a safe with notes for whoever would deal with the funds.  It was a long three hours until my meeting.

Three hours of watching friends go into an office and come out with swollen eyes; packing up their stuff and leaving or for some there seemed to be a contract for them to consider, which extended their employment for a predetermined amount of time.  Finally it was my time to enter.  I had watched enough of my co-workers pass by to regroup and calm my nerves.  

I entered the office and met someone from the new company in a suit and see an envelope with my name on it on the table.  I made a joke and it broke the tension.  He told me he appreciated my attitude and then went into his speech about me being identified as a key employee and hoped that I would stay with the company until the end of January as part of the transition team.  Anything else he may have said is a blur and I was shuffled down the hall to a gentleman who worked for an independent HR company who would help me transition to my next employment opportunity.

I was offered employment until the end of January at my regular salary.  If I stay until the end of the contract I will also receive a bonus as well as a generous severance package.  Of course I will accept for two reasons... 1. I am terrified to be unemployed and have responsibilities and 2. if I don't accept the offer I get nothing.

So here I am, for a second time in two years, facing unemployment due to a restructuring.  This time, thankfully, I am not also dealing with a health scare and a marriage that is falling apart.  I am at a fork in the road and am now forcing myself to analyse my life and which path I want to follow.  While I was content with my job I knew it wasn't something I would do, at least with this company, for 30 years until retirement.  

The options ahead of me right now are to either stay in the accounting field and continue my designation, or go back to school for a new path, or find alternate employment that utilizes my existing skill set but is perhaps in a different capacity.

Today I have spent the day in Starbucks drinking tea, doing some networking via email, making lists and doing some research.  And it's funny.  Initially I was scared to find out my fate, but unlike my last layoff, I'm looking forward to the change.  It's an exciting stage to be in, regardless of the unknown.  I'm going to try and embrace it this time and try and find a career that is more rewarding than things I have done in the past.