True colors will come shining thru

So it's 1 am and I got in from a date about half an hour ago.  It's a guy I've dated casually for the last couple of weeks and if I was open to it, I think the potential is very strong that this guy could become a boyfriend.  But that is not going to happen.  And it's not going to happen for two reasons.

Reason 1.  I don't want to be a boyfriend right now.  I don't want to lose myself again.  I don't want to give up the majority of my free time.  I don't want to life the life where I am constantly in a race to get from work to someone.  I don't want to have two separate lives... the one with my son and the one with my boyfriend.  I still want to work on myself.  I have fitness goals I did not reach by my birthday and I want to see what level I can reach.

Reason 2.  I am sick of the bullshit.  That's a very general statement and it's because I'm pissed off that it's even a reason, but here's the deal...

I met this guy face-to-face a few weeks ago at a bar.  Cheers to be exact.  It was a gay event being held and I was out with friends and knew he would be there.  We had chatted some before going so we both had planned on at least a hello.

Well that night we said hello.  That was it.  An acknowledgement.  And it was enough for me.  I was having fun with my friends and he was with his.  But come to find out one specific person, a former friend, told him to avoid me and that I was nothing but trouble.  And when did I find this out?  On my first date with this guy, the next week.

We met for a beer and he explains what had transpired.  I was instantly deflated.  I sat there with a full glass in front of me and no escape plan in place.  I looked out at the faces of passers-by wondering how I would ever get thru the date.  How I could somehow explain that I was a good person no matter what was said and that if he had any knowledge of the source that should be all the explanation he would need.  But somehow I talked myself into turning my mindset around and prove this guy wrong.  And it was a success.  Not only did I survive the beer, but the evening carried on for a few more hours and upon dropping the guy off I got a request for a second date before I even got my car in the driveway. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks to tonight and again over a beer, before a movie, I was told that my name came up the weekend before by another guy in the group of former friends.  And obviously I use the term friend very loosely.  This time it was said that I had cheated on my ex and that is why we broke up.

What.The.Fuck?

Where is the logic?  I was the one to dump the ex-boyfriend.  I was the one who cut him out of my life.  I was the one who told him to leave me out of his drama.  I was the one who was begged to take him back.  I was the one who was told that if I EVER changed my mind and wanted him back, even if he was in a new relationship then he would dump them for me in a heartbeat.  Where in all of that is the logic that matches to me being a cheater?  

But my reaction was that I was completely gutted.  I actually wanted to put hands to face to cover the tears that were about to erupt.  How can it be that after such a long span of time it can still be important to try and hurt me?  That I can still be a thought in any of their minds.  I don't get it.  It would be one thing to try and ruin my reputation at the time I dumped him, in order to salvage any of his own reputation... but so much time has passed I should just be a faint memory.  I don't get it.

Instead I just said... I'm trying to be the bigger person here and I don't want to go into details but I could prove the opposite is true.  And I thought to myself... clearly my actions match my story.  I'm a stand up guy who is not trying to get into the drama and I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I was a catch of a boyfriend to this guy at the time and I'm more of a catch now that I've grown so much over the last couple of years.  And I am a strong believer in that a person's true colors will always show if given enough time.

Time flies

Wow, it is close to a year since I have posted.  In all honesty I pretty much forgot this blog even existed until someone made a comment on one of my posts.  And it got me to thinking about how therapeutic writing was to me.  Maybe it's time to start this thing up again.

A quick point-form list of what I've been up to and what I plan to write about includes:

• Thoughts on coming out to my son, officially
• Worrying your ex-wife caught you on a walk-of-shame, that's not really a walk-of-shame
• Opening up to possibilities and the consequences
• Watching another couple's divorce path and realizing how far we've come
• English accents at a party can lead to me seemingly being proven right
• That awkward moment when you discuss Pride with your ex-wife
• Questioning true friendships and expectations I put on those friends
• Two female friends partake in cheating as "the Other Woman"
• Retire, Fire, Fire... team-build
• And where does one go from here

I don't fool myself into thinking it will be entertaining reading to everyone but hey my story might be entertaining to someone.  Ha! 

New Year's Resolution

On the eve of my 34th birthday I have decided to blog about where I am today in my mind.  It's a moment of looking at my reflection in the mirror.  Sure there are a few more wrinkles and a few more grey hairs but I think I look great for 34 (or 29+5 as some people like to refer to it).

For some reason I'm really looking forward to starting a new year.  I'm very optimistic about the direction my life will take this year.  I'm sure part of that is due to the fact that I'm on vacation this week and I'm leaving for NYC Thursday morning.  But I think a bigger part of it is that my life is quite settled.  

My divorce has been finalized, and with the exception of my ex-wife trying to increase her child support things are in a good place.  She just moved into her own place and I'd almost venture to say we are almost friends again.

I have also developed strong friendships with a couple of guys and grew closer with my friend Tori.  In the last year I have also walked away from a group of gay men who thrive on drama.  Sure my social life has changed and even Tori thinks I have isolated myself unnecessarily, but I have come to a point in my life where I would prefer to lose friends that have friends who talk behind each other's backs and try to hard to be something they feel is admired.  And walking away gave me a real sense of peace.  There really does come a time where you let go, and it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and self-confidence.

My career on the other hand is in a very strange place.  I have no idea where my path lies, at this point.  There is a lot of turmoil in our office due to an over-abundance of work and lack of support from top management.  I have held meetings with management and we had a department meeting with management and there is a lot of talk without any backing up.  The staff, who have been there for many years are more frustrated than ever and some have started looking for new employment.  I warned the COO specifically that we are in borderline crisis mode and if we lose one member the crisis is guaranteed.  We will see what that means for my future.  At this point I'm not actively looking but I will keep my options open.

My career is also unsettled because I'm considering a real path change.  I have watched members on the corporate latter one step higher than myself and I see them continually be over-worked and under-appreciated and have an unhealthy work-life balance.  I don't see myself in those positions and I cannot justify continuing to spend thousands of dollars in tuition to put myself in that place.  I have officially decided to withdrawal from my professional designation program and take some time to look at new options.

I have been fortunate enough to travel this year.  I have been to Montreal, Mexico, Toronto and this week will be travelling to NYC solo.  In travelling I have also done a lot of thinking.  I have put my life on hold in many ways over the last few years.  I have stayed living back at "home" and have not really allowed myself to be open to dating anyone.  I'm making it a resolution this year to open up and take a few risks.  There are lyrics in the Maroon 5 song "How" that say

"though I don't understand the meaning of love

I do not mind if I die trying"

I think I'm willing to die trying.  I've questioned whether I really believe that love is enough and I've wondered if a true love really exists.  I'm no closer to the answer but I think romantically enough to be willing to spend my life trying and I know that risks being hurt.

So it's going to be another year of self-improvement mentally and physically.  It's going to be a year of taking risks and truly living life.  It's going to be a year of getting my life to a place I'm proud of or at least closer to my goals.  I will never give up on myself. 

Disposable friend

It's funny how a person or group of people can make me, at 33 year old man, turn into an insecure 14 year old.  What is it about someone that can make me lose my confidence?  And I have allowed those moments effect my thinking enough that I consider avoiding interactions with those people.

I don't know if it's because I grew up never feeling like I ever truly fit in.  Or that I was made to feel like the disposable friend many times over the years.  I thought all the work I have done on myself over the last few years have reduced the importance I used to place on fitting in and allowed me to move forward with little concern about other's opinions of me.  I guess old habits are hard to break.

But since we're in 2011, I have made a strong commitment to myself to reach my potential in all aspects of my life.  I'm not going to avoid situations that may initially be uncomfortable, instead I'm going to embrace them as new challenges for me to over come.  This weekend will be one of those challenges, a close friend's birthday party.  

Coincidentally, I received a phone call around 9:30 Monday night from a friend I haven't seen since Hallowe'en. He's someone I've gotten to know over the last couple of years and someone who has turned to me for help on a couple of occasions.  I respect his determination in life and admire him for, at times, walking to the beat of his own drum.  His call was solely to find out where I've been lately; that he's noticed my drifting away from the group.  He wasn't looking for cause or gossip, just wanted to know everything was okay and show genuine care for our friendship.  As if I didn't respect him enough already, he's gone ahead and boosted my confidence without even knowing it.  He reinforced the thinking I've been trying to foster when I'm feeling  insecure; that most of it is my own mental game and that people do value my friendship.

Perhaps I'm not disposable.  This year I'm starting to believe it.

Hey Jude

I try not to talk about this too much on here, because I don't want to sound like a broken record but I miss my wife.  I will never get over her.  She was my absolute best friend and I ache to have her back in my life on a daily basis.  

I know people say that in time we will be able to develop a friendship again, and I'll admit that things are much easier now then they were in the fall of 2008.  But ever day we're not friends is a day I feel is wasted.

And what brought on this outburst of thought?  The Beatles.  I was on iTunes fully expecting to purchase the red album but Jaime and I spent so many hours listening to the Beatles that I don't think I can ever listen to a Beatles song without remembering our amazing road trips.

I love her and always will.  A part of my heart will always be missing because I no longer live a life with her.

It Gets Better Project

There are some sad statistics recently involving teenagers and children who have committed suicide recently due to being bullied for being gay and there has been a lot of media attention given to these lives.  And these are only the few that we have heard about.  Dan Savage, of Savage Love, has stepped up and created the It Gets Better Project where individuals are invited to use the power of youtube to share a story of survival and provide some inspiration to those struggling with surviving another day, to keep pushing forward and become the happy and healthy adults these kids deserve to be.

I'm 33 and I still struggle with my sexuality and being open about it with everyone in my life.  In fact, I was even hesitant to post this entry because I don't even know the scope of who reads this blog or what their stance may be on sexuality.  But then I think about the long road I took to get to where I am today and realize that I need to post this entry because the message is bigger than me.  I'm not one who really wants to label myself but I'm gay and that's okay.

I haven't decided yet whether or not I will post a video to youtube but I thought I would share the fact that I realize why these teenagers feel like they are at a low place that they cannot climb out of.  I have been bullied about my sexuality as far back as early elementary.  I remember times throughout school, even into grade 11 where I have had someone ask me if I was a girl.  I have never looked much like a girl; I have never worn my hair long but that question has always hurt.  I have endured jerks spitting on my locker.  I have been called the worst names and I even wonder if part of why my father and I never got along was because he thought I was gay.  But the ultimate act, which still kind of haunts me to this day, was when I was in high school and riding the bus home.  I was already insecure enough, but this particular day some guys a year ahead of me stood up, just before getting off at their stop to make sure the majority of the bus was their audience.  And they announced that they had made me something in woodshop.  It was a piece of wood in the shape of a penis.  People were laughing and I wanted to shrink into a ball an disappear.  They proceeded to drop it into my lap and get off of the bus.  All the while, people are watching my reaction, including the bus driver, who lived on my street but did nothing.  I was speechless and fighting tears and then thankfully two girls named Alexandra and Shanna came to my rescue and called the guys out for the jerks that they were.  

This could have been a day where a teenager would have taken their own life, but something inside me didn't let that happen.  I feared from that day forward taking the bus or even going to school but I found the strength.  I hope more kids in this situation find the strength to keep pushing thru the hard years.  It gets better!  

Sometimes it feels so abnormally normal...

It's strange how being two plus years into a seperation that two people can still feel so confused and lost about the whole thing.  I sometimes wonder where my ex-wife's head is in relation to the whole thing but will never ask because I'm afraid I will remind her if she's in a period of peace about it.  But then some days, like today I get this in an email:

"I’m having a bad being-divorced-day today. A not-understanding-even-though-I-know day."

 and I'm struck in the chest with the reality of how she is feeling.  And that even though we both know it's the right thing to do, I am probably safe to assume that neither of us really want it to be happening.  All I can do is apologize for pain and explain that I am feeling some of the same things.

There is so much I want to say to her, to try and help her get thru all of this, but I wait.  I wait because thru the process I was accused of manipulating her, when in reality I was just trying to maintain my relationship with my son.  Instead, I have started writing a letter in my head, that I will eventually put on paper and give her once the divorce is finalized. 

It's hard to be seperated from someone who has been my best friend for so many years and that even though things got pretty bad I still love and want the best for, and want to be in their life everyday... so I try and block it all out and just get thru the days, weeks and months.  Hoping one day it will all make sense for everyone.

Deadline reached?

Tomorrow may possibly be the day the divorce is final.

We have some sort of meeting where Jaime and I sit down with our lawyers and a judge, and from what I understand if everything can be worked out in this half hour then this is it.  Now it's not a meeting that we have to be present for, since our lawyers have the ability to act on our behalf, but I'm going.  Not sure if the ex will be there or not.  I didn't have the heart to ask her today, because I'm sure this day is just as hard for her.

This meeting has been weighing on my mind for weeks, but especially today.  I don't know what to expect and I fear the finality of it all.  The true end to a huge chapter of my life.  I went to hot yoga tonight to try and clear my mind but now that I'm home and alone with no one to distract me it's eating me alive.  I just hope sleep comes quickly.

In all honesty, when I proposed to Jaime in May 2002 I never ever dreamed that our relationship would ever end in divorce.  I pictured us having kids, at least one of which would be adopted.  I pictured us settling into a home that our children would bring their children home to and that we would build so many happy memories that we'd never run out of things to talk about.

But I will try and focus on the fact that possibly the nightmare will end and Jaime (and hopefully myself as well) will have some peace and find our new normal.  My heart aches.

Sometimes I even surprise myself

These last few weeks, with divorce looming in the near distance, I have been bombarded with feelings. The anger when I receive letters from her lawyer about them not being willing to budge on the right of first refusal, which I want in our agreement, and the sadness I feel about the finality of it all.

Yesterday, I got such a letter from her lawyer, being very aggressive and trying to make me out to be unreasonable. Saying things like “Mr. Brown’s demand for a new clause…” or “not prepared to go down the pathway Mr. Brown wants her to go.”, when all I want is to protect both of our interests as parents. To remove future conflict from arising. But apparently I’m unreasonable prick with only my own interests in mind.

Until today, when I realize that my gut reaction is to still be sympathetic to Jaime. And that my gut reaction is usually how I respond to her. That I’m not this heartless jerk that always has to win… which is how I am made out to be. But instead, I still feel like someone who is trying to protect her from a world that can sometimes be very cruel.

Today her parents went on a tropical vacation and it’s my weekend to have William. She dropped him off at my place this morning, so that my Mom can babysit him while we are both at work, and then he is with us for the weekend.

What do I do when I get to work? I email her… reaching out to her, when I’m sure she is realizing how long of a weekend it can be when you are absolutely alone. And I offer for her to join William and I for a meal over the weekend or to hang out for a bit, to break up her weekend if she is alone.

When she responds, that she is finding it all really hard, I even offer her to come back after work and have him over night. On my weekend! Why? Because I know how much it hurts. I know how much you can miss having your son with you, especially when you have no one else.

I hope for just one second she realizes that I’m still that person that she fell in love with and that I’m not the monster trying to rip her son from her hands.

Sidenote: My next post will not be about my divorce... I promise.

Anxious

I am very anxious right now. I think everything is just starting to hit me that soon I will be a divorced man. Something I never saw for myself and not something I think I am even really ready for. And in reality, who sees themselves getting divorced? But me? I was always someone who followed the expected path. I graduated high school, went onto university, started a career, got married, bought a house and had my first child. Now my life is all but on track... well at least not on that track anymore.

This week I had to meet with my lawyer to prepare for the final stages before the divorce becomes final. I brought in my paystubs and my latest tax filing and we spoke of the final issues I have with the corollary relief judgement, which is supplied to the judge along with the divorce filing. While I was there my lawyer tried to call the opposing lawyer to set up a four way meeting, in an attempt to resolve the final issues. I guess we just wait now to see whether a meeting can take place, and whether anything can be accomplished. In the last two years, there has been a lot of stalling and needless attempts to bully me into giving up most of my rights. And somehow I have gotten thru it all, but being faced with this meeting is not something I feel prepared for. I know I have the strength to get thru anything, but I don’t know how to give myself a pep talk for this one, especially now that I have this feeling in me.

Sure it’s been almost two years since my wife moved out of our home, but every single day and night I think about her. I think about it would be like if we got back together. I know I have mentioned it before, and I know it’s not a real possibility, and even if it happened there is no way it would work. Surely, the last two years have damaged us to an extent that even under the perfect circumstances, we could never move past these last two years.

But I do, truly, want my old life back. I made the mistake tonight of looking thru old photos. I also started thinking about my family tree and how I don’t have the family I once did. And it’s my fault. Sure neither of us was a perfect spouse; we both had things we needed to work on, but ultimately there are three words I said to her, that will forever have changed my life. Words that I honestly wish I had kept to myself. What if that was the biggest mistake of my life?

I am sure my therapist would say that I am still in the grieving process and that the actual divorce proceedings is a marker that I should have know would cause all of these feelings to rush to the surface, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. So what? I’m normal... yippee!

My heart hurts. It’s Friday night and I’m alone. In order to not sit home alone all night I went to the mall for a bit. I rented a movie, to try and distract myself, but so far, no dice.

I just hope, that after the ink dries on the divorce papers, that we can somehow find a place where we can at least be friends. And I’m not kidding myself into thinking it will be a normal friendship, but at least to a degree that we are no longer reading between the lines or are being over paranoid that the other is up to something. Maybe just friends enough that instead of only texting each other, she will answer my phone calls and talk to me. She was my best friend for half my life...

Update:  It's now Monday morning, and all weekend I have thought back to this post.  I have thought numerous times of deleting it, because really, does anyone want to read some of my most inner thought?  And then I thought... you know what?  It's my true feelings, and I shouldn't be ashamed to share those with anyone, and hey this is cheaper than most therapists charge, right? 

Sleep Interupted

It's funny how I can outwardly be okay,  but stress can poke it's ulgy head out in strange ways.  And it's doing it again. 

When my dad passed away I lost the ability to sleep through the night.  It was strange... I went from someone who could sleep through thunder and lightning to someone who developed a strange habit of needing to use the bathroom every single night. 

And when I think about it, when I was overwhelmed in my first year of university my mind would race so badly at bedtime that I thought I was losing my mind and had convinced myself that I had a brain tumor.

Now I am essentially two years into the seperation with my wife and my sleep patterns are again interupted.  It can be tossing and turning  and then finally reaching that level of half sleep where you are aware of where your mind is drifting, but time is passing quickly enough that you swear you must have slept for a portion of the time.  Or it can be me waking up in the middle of the night in panic; looking around the bedroom for the comfort of my old life.  I can't shake it. 

I will always miss my life as a married man.  There were issues that needed to be resolved, but I miss my wife desperately.  I miss my best friend.  I know that time will heal a lot of what we have gone through but right now it's hard.  Please let tonight be a night full of peaceful sleep.

Am I really moving 4ward?

It’s been the better part of two years since my wife and I separated. Almost two years. In some ways that time has passed very quickly and in other ways the time has ticked by more slowly than imaginable.

There hasn’t been a day that has passed in those twenty months where I didn’t ask myself what-if. And usually when the what-if hits me, in my head I think out the scenario of what would happen if we got back together.

And most nights while sleeping, just before I close my eyes, or sometimes when I wake up at 4am I think, how did my life get here? How did my life that followed the path I had wanted take such a turn? How did I go from having almost everything to having almost nothing?

I don’t want to sound down, although today I definitely feel like if I don’t kick myself in the ass then I could easily slip into depression. It’s just that I think I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head. I haven’t seen my therapist in a year and I don’t want to have to call him up and ask for an appointment after all this time. So I’m going to put this in a public forum and imagine that my therapist is sitting across from me taking notes and listening.

There has been a lot of hurt caused by both sides, but over the last four months or so, I feel like I need to explain certain things to my wife. Give her some insight into my thinking process throughout the last couple of years. Maybe it will eventually be used against me, maybe it will bring her some peace, maybe it will bring us to a better working relationship as parents, but I feel like there are things that need to be said. Because after all she was my best friend and I have hurt her and if I can somehow now help her heal a bit then any risk is worth it.

I know part of me lives in a fantasy world that we can be friends again. She has let hurt and anger enter her body so deeply that she forgets who I really am sometimes. But maybe sometimes she does recognize me until some of her family stoke the fire until it’s blazing again and she pushes those feelings away. And I know part of that anger is her protecting herself; but then there are the days where we email back and forth or she shows that she cares and it gives me hope that there’s a chance for friendship.

I hate that two years ago our lives were turned upside down and we can’t go back. I hate that I lost my best friend, possibly (and likely) forever. I hate that everyday I wake up and don’t really recognize my life.

2010 started and I was surrounded by friends, most of which I had met in 2009, but I felt very alone. I made a decision in those first few hours that I was going to rebuild myself and part of that process is me dealing with the residual pain and confusion. And although I don’t want this blog to be all about my therapy, there will be entries periodically where I need to talk about the process. I hope anyone reading doesn’t mind.