Just can't settle

I don't know what's wrong with me... I have a complete inability to settle for things.  I'm 33.  I should be settled in my career but I'm not.  To be honest there's not that much I'm overly content with in my life.  What the eff is wrong with me?

I think I need a life coach.  

I want to take a risk and switch careers.  I want to move to a new city.  I want to date.  But I won't.  And five years from now I'll regret not having done it now.

I have one thing holding me here in Halifax and it's a six year old sitting in front of me eating pudding and watching cartoons before bed.  Well really it's my ex-wife holding me here, cause I have asked her to move so William could come with me.  Haha.

PS.  I know this post is unacceptably short and it's long overdue, but summer is the busiest time of the year it seems and I figure a post is better than none, and will hopefully get me back on track.  After all I've got some stories to share.

Update: After posting this a few hours ago I felt it necessary to make another note.

I am someone who is okay with never settling in one sense.  I NEVER want to be someone who is in a relationship where I settle at the expense of myself, just to be with someone.  And I would love to achieve personal goals, which also requires I don't settle into complete routine.  However, it would be great, if I could feel a bit more content in my choices in career and not always wonder if there's something better when feeling overworked and under-appreciated and there's no end in sight.

1 girl 5 gays

There's a show on MTV Canada, which I found about a year ago online called 1 girl 5 gays which has fastly become one of my favorite shows.  It is a show comprised of a female host and a panel of gay men from different facets of the community.  Every week they answer "20 questions about love and sex", but in reality the show deals with many more questions than that.  The panel are a group of men with a wide variety of experience and opinions and as such, it can lead to heated debates.

Some gay men look at the show as promoting the promiscuous stereotype and therefore write it off, however I love the show.  So much so, that I've had correspondence with both the host and the casting director inquiring about the ability to be on the show some day.  I think the men on the panel are very brave to be completely honest about their experiences and opinions because they share some very intimate details about their own lives. And while some may look at their answers and think about the negative impression it may give, I look at their answers and appreciate their honesty.  If more people, both gay and straight, would be honest they would probably admit that there's a lot more promiscuity in all sexual orientations and that homos are no more apt to have multiple sexual partners than any other group.

The show also allows you to see a wider cross section of the gay community.  From very feminine to very masculine guy and everything in between.  From plaid shirts to deep v.  From very fit to over weight.  And I think anyone could watch the show and feel they are somehow represented.  And I'll be honest, if I lived in TO I would want to have a drink with a few of the guys and have similar conversations.

I encourage anyone who hasn't heard of the show to watch at least one episode.  Here is the most recent online.

Open Relationship

The longer I'm part of the open gay community I learn that it's very common for gay couples to have an open relationship.  There are varying degrees of openness... from completely open, to vacation open to third party open.  Now those aren't official titles to the types of relationships gay men can share, but more my own spin on things.

Completely open is where both men in the relationship allow each partner to have sexual encounters with whomever they choose.  Vacation open is where a couple (at least claims) to be monogamous except when on vacation out of their home town.  When on vacation the will either seek sexual rendezvous separately or together with complete strangers in a new pool of gay men.  And third party open is when a couple will welcome a third into their bedroom on a regular basis, but won't fool around with anyone else without the partner being present.  They don't consider any of these experiences as cheating.

The fact that it's so common worries me.  I'm not sure that I can be in a committed relationship when a third party would be involved to any degree.  I know my therapist told me that I need to accept the distinction between love and sex... and in the big picture I can easily do that.  I know that we don't love everyone we have sex with, but when I'm in a relationship I don't know that I could watch someone I love being so into someone else.  Surely, somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind a part of me will become jealous.  Jealous that I cannot provide whatever is lacking in my relationship or sex-life that is being fulfilled by this third person.

Maybe I'm completely wrong.  Maybe these men who partake in such relationships are light-years ahead socially and are able to compartmentalize experiences and just enjoy the excitement of the moment.  And this could be the secret to their success in maintaining a relationship in the long term... because it really is just sex.

I clearly have a lot to learn... but I've got lots of time to dig into my thoughts on it since I haven't even been on a date in ... I don't even remember how long.  But that is by choice... I've gotten a few offers.

I'd do just about anything right now...

It's true... I'd do just about anything right now to have someone to snuggle into bed with right now.  It's cold and I'm lonely.  If there was someone laying in bed right now I'd be asleep in seconds.

I'd do just about anything right now...

It's true... I'd do just about anything right now to have someone to snuggle into bed with right now.  It's cold and I'm lonely.  If there was someone laying in bed right now I'd be asleep in seconds.

Who will end up together?

Since I've come out I've made quite a few gay friends and over the last few months I have distanced myself quite a bit from socializing as frequently as I was.  And while I've had more time away from the group, I have watched the dynamics of relationships change within the circle and many times it's been hard for me to bite my tongue.  I like everyone to be treated with respect and when that doesn't happen, and no one else is willing to call someone out it is especially annoying to me.  But I've tried to mind my business.

At times I look at friends and wonder whether or not I could date them, or ultimately end up in a long term relationship with any of them.  I think it's probably a natural thing to do... and if not I like to think it's cause I'm lonely and not cause I'm creepy.  Ha!

Anyway I've come to identify a couple of friends I think would ultimately make a great couple, but one is dating someone else.  We'll see if perhaps maybe the two guys who will be sharing a room in Cuba this year, will end up as a couple a few years down the road.

And then there are two couples that have very happy and healthy relationships, at least from the outside.  These men give me hope that it's possible to find someone who can complete me and that I don't have to settle.  But again, I wonder whether or not those two couples will stand the test of time.  Or will life change them and distance may make them seek other paths?

Part of me wishes I could fast forward and find out.  And I'll be honest with myself and say that part of that wonder comes from the fact that I may have an interest in one member of each group... only a harmless crush that I would never act on, but perhaps I'm just allowing myself to hold out hope by wondering what the future holds.

Ah... the life of a single man with date-able friends.  

Someone in my bed

Today I expected my Mom to come into the city, but with road conditions not being the best because of blowing snow, she decided to wait until tomorrow.  She's coming to the city for William's 6th birthday and will stay until Sunday.  I had mentally prepared myself for her arrival: planning on making Chicken stir-fry, heading to yoga in the afternoon and that we'd relax and watch tv in the evening.  Since the plan changed so did my day.  I had a nap in the afternoon, went birthday shopping, had leftovers for supper, studied most of the evening and took the 9pm hot yoga class.  I found myself avoiding staying home because with the change in plans I found myself very lonely.

It's funny how something as simple as that can change how I feel about my independence.  I'm used to living alone but sometimes it really gets to me.  And I often have the thought that I wish there was someone in my bed.  And not for any reason sexual, but just to snuggle into, or to hear breath, or to have unspoken companionship.  I guess I should dig out the body pillow and create a lump in the bed next to me.  Haha!

It's the small things that can get you thru

Sometimes I get wrapped up in life and my mind runs non-stop with things (like pending unemployment) and it seems to be all I talk about.  But then there's this other side of my life where I notice all these little things that occur that make me slow down and realize what I have.  Since I'm looking at an open future right now I thought it might be nice, for a change, to jot down a few things that make me smile.

• When I carry William out of the tub, to his bedroom to have cream rubbed on his overly sensitive skin and then pjs we ALWAYS pause at the mirror and look at each other... and maybe make a funny face.  I have done this with EVERY SINGLE bath I have given him.
• When William crawls into bed early in the morning, or midway thru the night he has to snuggle in.  And he's not content or settled unless he's sharing my pillow and has an arm wrapped around my neck.
• When driving in the car, I sometimes try to scare William by sliding my arm between my seat and the door to grab his leg.  And he always catches on, without changing the look on his face, and blocks my hand with his foot within a few seconds.
• William's favorite Christmas gift wasn't the Nintendo Wii that Santa brought to his Mom's house, but the Buzz Lightyear Trouble (board) game Santa brought to my house.  And we play it non-stop. 
• I like that when my Sister and I are about to hang up from talking on the phone we now tell each other we love each other.  Even though there's provinces between us now I think we're closer than we've been since probably high school.
• I love to watch William and my Mom (Gramma) interact.  William is closer to my Mom than I was with any of my Grandparents, and I like to think I was pretty close with my Grandparents.  I also am glad that William remembers my Grammie and will often make comments about characters in a book or on a tv show resembling her. 
• It makes me proud that William is an avid learner.  He's constantly sounding out words, trying to read signs or even point out patterns.  And even when he has homework he's excited to do it.  I know it's early but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I'm sure I could come up with a million other little things that make my day... sometimes you just need to focus on those and know everything else will fall into place. 

Hey Jude

I try not to talk about this too much on here, because I don't want to sound like a broken record but I miss my wife.  I will never get over her.  She was my absolute best friend and I ache to have her back in my life on a daily basis.  

I know people say that in time we will be able to develop a friendship again, and I'll admit that things are much easier now then they were in the fall of 2008.  But ever day we're not friends is a day I feel is wasted.

And what brought on this outburst of thought?  The Beatles.  I was on iTunes fully expecting to purchase the red album but Jaime and I spent so many hours listening to the Beatles that I don't think I can ever listen to a Beatles song without remembering our amazing road trips.

I love her and always will.  A part of my heart will always be missing because I no longer live a life with her.

Something big this way comes??

Well the end of employment is now in sight and I've reached that stage I knew I would reach.  That stage where I can't get to sleep at night because I'm worried about money.  I lay with my eyes closed thinking about how many weeks I will be able to afford to go without a pay cheque.  How many car payments?  How many cell bills?  Should I cancel my gym membership?  Should I put William's RESP on hold?

It's a terrible time of the year to be looking for a job... at least that's what I've been told a few times by and employment counselor that has been assigned to our office.  And he actually had the nerve to tell me to just take any job and then look for something else when I secure something.  Is that what employment counselors get paid to tell you?  I thought that he would suggest ways to research employment opportunities that would stimulate me.  Help me find headhunters that would increase my odds of becoming gainfully employed.  That I should make the best of an awful situation and try and improve my position.  Nope.  Thankfully I'm not paying him.

Today I decided to submit my resume to a placement agency that specializes in the accounting industry.  I have heard some good things and some bad things, but lets face it... a job is better than none.

I'm also holding out hope that a Collections Officer position that I applied for with the province will at least result in an interview.  The pay would be comparable and it would get my foot in the door and possibly lead to opportunities that are far more stimulating to me than month end accruals. 

Who knows what the next few months will bring... I just wish I at least knew how long I would be unemployed so I could budget accordingly cause this lack of sleep is cramping my style.  

Imma own this one!

I'll look back on 2010 as a year I learned many great lessons.  It was a year that I realized that I could make friends without the help of anyone, that given time people always show their true colors, that if I hold certain expectations of others then I will probably be disappointed, that being single was something I was okay with, and that eating cleaner can do some amazing things to your body.

My 2010 did not end on the highest note, however I count my blessings because most of the things which were negatives were trivial.  

I lost my job towards the end of the year and still haven't been able to secure my next posting.  I can feel the stress building within me but I'm trying to stay positive.  I believe things happen for a reason and have to trust it was for the best.

In the spring of 2010 I lost one of my best friends.  Well I guess I didn't lose him, but instead asked him to leave my life.  Sadly, there was some actions going on behind my back that made me realize that I was being played for a fool and I only take things so long.  The spring was the straw that broke the camel's back and I made it clear that I wouldn't be walked over any longer.  Because of that choice, that friend then campaigned with my circle of friends to get deep into the circle and push me out.  He's pretty much succeeded and it culminated this fall.  I took it personally and it still hurts, if I'm being completely honest.  But over the last couple of months I realized that I'm not responsible for the actions of others, that I cannot control what others say about me and that I truly don't have to try and defend myself to anyone.  If any of my friends believe the lies told about me and/or don't have the respect enough for me to talk to me about it, then I really don't need them in my life any longer either.  It's a sad reality but one lesson I'm happy I learned.

I look to 2011 with a lot of promise.  Things are going to look up and  very quickly, I have no doubt.  I will find a new career path and am looking forward to a new challenge.  If I had the option I wouldn't even finish out the month because perhaps the pressure of being unemployed will kick my drive into gear.

I also have two trips on the horizon.  My family is going somewhere tropical (probably Cuba) in April.  We've talked about it for the better part of a year and I have already started saving for William's portion of the trip.  I love the beach and to spend a week in the sand and warm waters with my family is going to be a dream come true.  The other trip is to Vancouver.  I've never been to the west coast of Canada yet and it's on my bucket list, so when I got an invite to a July wedding in the city I pretty much committed to being there.  I just need to know I'll be employed and then I'm booking my flight.  

And based on the crazy times I had with friends this year, I have no doubt 2011 will also bring adventure.  I realize that life is short and although I have big strides planned for my financial position, with proper planning and budgeting I hope this year will be one of the best so far.  I have new friends and memories to make and after a few months of rebuilding strength and enhancing my confidence I have no doubt I will own this year.

Happy New Year Everyone!

A mover and a shaker

On boxing day we went to visit at a friend's house... the music was pumping and everyone got into the groove...  

And since every moment in life is a learning experience... I took the time to notice how convenient it would be if I drink and dance in feety pjs... that way when you crash it doesn't matter... you're set for sleep.

A lotta Christmas spirit for ya

I read the Bloggess on a semi-regular basis; I think she's hilarious.  But over on her blog there was something pretty moving going on.  A huge Christmas miracle if you will... and for those of us struggling to be in the spirit this year, I challenge you to read this entry and not be moved in some way. 

http://thebloggess.com/2010/12/my-heart-grew-three-sizes-and-now-i-have-an-enlarged-heart-worth-it/

Just a taste

Well we've had a taste of winter here in Halifax.  The ground was covered and Christmas lights were glowing so I took a chance around 11 pm that evening to take a quick walk around the Hydrostone area of my beautiful city to take a couple of pics.  This one is from my iPhone.  I love how quiet it gets when the snow is falling, traffic is almost non-existant and you can feel very alone.  I could have walked outside bundled up for hours if it wasn't a work night.  And here's a terrible self-portrait... a skill I obviously need to work on.

Strangely I am looking forward to winter this year.  Not that I hate the season, but sometimes the reduced hours of daylight can wear on a brotha... but this year I'm looking at the positives.  It's almost the start of a new year, a new job, and I want to get out skiing and spend some time sledding and building snowmen with Willsy B.  Oh and I only want it to be snowy... I don't want the bitter dry cold.  I can demand that right?

It's the little things...

One thing I love about my current job, that I am hoping will be similar with my next employer is the flex time policy.  I was lucky enough to change my hours from 9-5 to 830-430 once William started to school.  This allows me to take William to the bus stop and wait with him until he boards the bus and heads to school.  

It's only a half hour change in my work day but those mornings waiting with William are some of my favorite moments lately.  Whether it's watching him become more confident around other kids, to his excitement at having the first backpack in line or even being there to wave as the bus pulls off... all memories I will share with William far into the future when he has children of his own.

Project 365

I got my iPhone 4 almost two months ago and I have to say I love it.  I guess the amount of calls I make doesn't warrant the cost of the phone, even under a contract, however all of the other uses of an iPhone made it well worth the investment.

One app in particular that I've grown rather fond of, and encourage all of my iPhone cohorts to download is Project 365.  It's an app that you are supposed to use daily to journalize your year thru photos.  You create your photo diary simply by using your camera everyday for a year... can it get any easier? 

I started mine half part way thru November and already I enjoy looking back thru the past few weeks at some of the photos and am reminded of some adventure I was on.  And in addition to reminding me of certain experiences it is also getting me in the habit of taking more photos and actually using a digital camera I'm now carrying everyday.  

Here is a sampling of some of the photos I have taken... and again I encourage you to download the app if you have an iPhone.

He's not heavy... he's my son

This morning on the way to work I was waiting at a stop sign and noticed a young man carrying what I assume was his son on his shoulders.  The little boy had a backpack on and looked so content being carried towards the elementary school.  I just kind of stared at them and wondered if William will someday look at the same scene and remember all the times he has travelling in the exact same way on my shoulders.

William and I have an amazing relationship.  I'm very blessed to have a young boy who is kind, polite, caring and has an amazing sense of humor... and the older he gets I realize how much more independent he has become and it makes me a little sad.  I'm blessed.  And I'll carry him as long as I physically can.

August 2008

Always Connected

I sometimes sit at my desk and wonder how previous generations stayed connected.  Today it's so easy to be in contact with anyone.  My friends and family are only a phone call, text message or email away, but for the majority of my Mom's working career there wasn't even email.  And let's not even mention that there were party lines instead of multi line phones and call waiting.

I am sure work has been drastically effected by diminished output because of our ability to be constantly connected.  Within my circle of friends alone, we have streams of emails in facebook, that the majority of us reach via our cell phones during work hours.  And text messages are sure to always get someone's attention when a matter is more urgent.  These two forms of communication have become my default, because I don't have to use any of my employers resources.  Thereby diminishing any fear that my VP of Financial Reporting tried to instill in us for using work systems for private use.

Who knows what is around the corner... perhaps I should seek out the technology that would render cell phones ability to send/receive texts or an Internet connection and sell that technology to businesses to ensure their staff can't access these systems and therefore force employees to work harder.

Fountain of Youth

There was a span of time, like say the last 5 years where I could fall asleep at the drop of a dime.  Didn't matter what I was doing just before laying down... could be a late night 6km run... could be watching TV... anything and it didn't matter.  As soon as I'd lay down I would be asleep.  And I needed that sleep.  If I wasn't getting it, I was no good at work and fighting to keep my eyes awake at 2pm.

But I think I found the fountain of youth and I'm going to share it with you, under the understanding that you will share this information wisely.  Bombay Sapphire Gin.  Something about this liquid has transformed me in the last few months into someone in their early twenties.  Here's an example...

My sister flies in Wednesday night.  I pick her up at the airport, we come home, I get my son settled for bed and I get ready to meet up with my friends at karaoke night.  I'm tired because it's halfway thru a work week and it's pushing 11pm, but that feeling won't last long.  By 12:30 I am at the Palace with a double G & T and I'm rock solid.  We hop bars because the place is empty but I still dance the night away until 4am.  Not to mention that while walking by Venus Pizza, while I'm surrounded by 4 or 5 other guys, a girl comes up to me points her finger into my chest and says "You're sexy".  Hello... I'm the oldest in the group but I still got the attention.

I crawl into bed at 5ish, up at 9:30 and spend the entire day out in the sun celebrating Canada day, catch the fire works and up early Friday morning to drop William off to his Mom before heading to work.  Work all day, come home do work around the house until 2am, crash and up at 8am to do more work around the house.  Have more family arrive in town... take them shopping around the city before cracking my 40 oz gin I got at duty free.  I'm easily smashed by 4pm.  At this point it's looking like any plans to go out will be a write off... cause I don't think I can still party with the young ins at 32.  But hold up... got the jams pumping, little bit of supper and a few more shots and I'm heading to the Lower Deck.  The family is getting a bit lame but I run into friends.  We're dancing to Signal Hill on the patio.  I'm making new friends, drinking doubles and shooting Jager Bombs with my friend's boyfriend.  Cut to an hour later and I'm en route to the Paragon for retro night.  Of course my friends are leaving the dance floor to do shots of Jager.  I'm not one to be left out... but then I also do a shot of tequila with another friend and then of course follow with Gin.  We close that place... must be 1pm.  A friend and I grab a cab to Reflections, while the other fools walk.  And once inside grab a gin and hit the dance floor until 4am closing.

We walk to Pizza corner and suddenly one of the guys has a ride for us.  I decline at first until I realize they are heading my way.  On the ride I am convinced that I should go swimming with them.  Somehow I'm convinced and am on the shore of lake bannook.  Probably half an hour of swimming, sun is very much on it's way up before crashing at a buddy's place.  Awake and doing the walk of shame by 10am for another family filled day.  Even to the point that I work on an assignment, have dinner with family, see my sister off to TO, take a 20 minute nap, go for a walk on the waterfront and crash at 11pm.

I know it's going to take it's toll... but I've had a couple of rough summers, this one is starting out pretty grand.  I'm not going to let it fly by without me.  I can always catch up on sleep... but can't catch up on memories.

Raise a glass of youth, my friends!

Birds of a feather... compare notes

It's strange when you seperate from a spouse because initially you feel so alone and isolated from everyone.  Even if you have a strong support system, you really don't think they can possibly understand what you are going thru and for the most part that is probably true.  And as time goes by you find yourself seeking sources to increase your knowledge base, if for nothing else, just to know what to expect in the coming weeks, months and years.

It seems that lately friends of mine are seperating like I have just set the newest trend.  That suddenly single and divorcing is the new black and all the cool people are doing it.  In the last couple of months I have had three friends contact me to talk about their seperation.  People that I didn't know were even on that path in their relationship.  And I am more than happy to be their shoulder to cry on or their pillar of support.  I have ridden the hardest part of the wave and hope that even the slightest amount of my experience can make their path easier. 

This apparent trend also makes me wonder a couple of things.  (A)  Is our society too quick to walk away from a relationship when things aren't easy?  and (B)  What is our society going to look like when I'm a senior citizen.  Will there be marriages that have stood the test of time and reached those mile stones of 50 and 60 years?  And if so, will those relationships seem abnormal and sacred?  Will anyone have only been married once?  Will people even still get married? 

I know everyone's path is different.  I understand pain.  And I believe that everyone should truly be happy, but I also wonder if there are a lot of people out there who are just giving up because sometimes that is easier than doing the work to stay together.  Marriage is not easy, but I think getting back to the basics of the relationship is even harder once one person has already let go.