Time flies

Wow, it is close to a year since I have posted.  In all honesty I pretty much forgot this blog even existed until someone made a comment on one of my posts.  And it got me to thinking about how therapeutic writing was to me.  Maybe it's time to start this thing up again.

A quick point-form list of what I've been up to and what I plan to write about includes:

• Thoughts on coming out to my son, officially
• Worrying your ex-wife caught you on a walk-of-shame, that's not really a walk-of-shame
• Opening up to possibilities and the consequences
• Watching another couple's divorce path and realizing how far we've come
• English accents at a party can lead to me seemingly being proven right
• That awkward moment when you discuss Pride with your ex-wife
• Questioning true friendships and expectations I put on those friends
• Two female friends partake in cheating as "the Other Woman"
• Retire, Fire, Fire... team-build
• And where does one go from here

I don't fool myself into thinking it will be entertaining reading to everyone but hey my story might be entertaining to someone.  Ha! 

Better book a camp site

In probably February or March William mentioned that he wanted to go camping.  It's something we had done at the end of the summer 2009 with my sister and some friends.  And we were even lucky enough to have my Mom and an Aunt swing by for an evening to enjoy supper and the camp fire.  

And being the Dad that I am, I decide sure, why not camp on a weekend my son wants to?  It may be winter but sometimes by just making a few adjustments you can make some great memories and that's exactly what I did.

While William was watching tv I went downstairs and grabbed the four man tent and a couple sleeping bags.  It was a VERY tight squeeze but I managed to set up a camp site in the living room and we made believe we were outdoors.  Even adjusting my nightly ritual to adjust a saying to suit our wilderness surroundings.  "Nighty night... don't let the black bear bite."  

William thought it was great and it really took no effort at all... and I have no doubt when he's a Dad some day he'll think back on that memory and realize that it's the little things that can have the biggest impact.

There was one residual part of that camping trip that has yet to go away and that's the sleeping bag.  William has slept in it every night he's stayed here since.  Sure he may, on occasion, slip off his bed onto the floor thru the night (which is very worrisome to me), but he's happy and he's still using him imagination to pretend he's camping.

This summer we'll have to make sure we get at least one weekend in...

The many faces of one child

Sometimes I can look at my son and see myself as a 6 year old child... other times he looks like a cousin from his Mom's side of the family.  This pic I see a lot of my sister... it's funny how someone can look like so many different people and yet be totally his own person. 

William on his own

Last Thursday there was an assembly held at William's school.  Those parents of children in the school who had been a Star of the Week in the last month were invited to attend, so I took an extended lunch hour and went to participate.

Upon reaching the school I noticed the children were still outside playing, during their lunch hour.  I immediately noticed William sitting on a park bench with a couple of other boys.  I was tempted to immediately go over and say hello, but instead took the opportunity to see William interact as an individual.  I watched him play with his friends, and even pick up garbage and dispose of it (hopefully that's a sign that we are raising an environmentally responsible boy).

I went inside the school, signed in as a visitor and went to his classroom to wait for the bell to ring.  When he came in he noticed me right away, so I explained why I was there (since he had not been with me that morning) and then made my way to the gym while the kids were ushered into class preparing for the assembly.

I sat on the side bench with the other adults and watched the kids come in.  Again I was taken back by the individual William is.  I know it might sound like I never pay attention to him when he's with me, but what I mean is that I felt like I had a sneak peak at who William is as a fully independent person.  School is his world.  The friends and interactions he has there are all his own; we don't have active influence on his relationships.  I was proud to see him confident and more outgoing than I've seen him at other times in his life. It was a very proud moment for me.

Also, that day I noticed him and a couple guys on the bench I wondered if perhaps they were there when the got in trouble.  On Friday when I picked him up after work I asked him if the bench was used as a time out if someone was in trouble and he said they were.  I then asked if that's why he and the other boys were sitting there and his face went blank.  BUSTED!  I told him he wasn't in trouble but I was just curious and he wouldn't talk.  I'm hoping that he will always be as obvious when he tells lies or caught at something, but we all know that will not be a long-lasting reality.

It's the small things that can get you thru

Sometimes I get wrapped up in life and my mind runs non-stop with things (like pending unemployment) and it seems to be all I talk about.  But then there's this other side of my life where I notice all these little things that occur that make me slow down and realize what I have.  Since I'm looking at an open future right now I thought it might be nice, for a change, to jot down a few things that make me smile.

• When I carry William out of the tub, to his bedroom to have cream rubbed on his overly sensitive skin and then pjs we ALWAYS pause at the mirror and look at each other... and maybe make a funny face.  I have done this with EVERY SINGLE bath I have given him.
• When William crawls into bed early in the morning, or midway thru the night he has to snuggle in.  And he's not content or settled unless he's sharing my pillow and has an arm wrapped around my neck.
• When driving in the car, I sometimes try to scare William by sliding my arm between my seat and the door to grab his leg.  And he always catches on, without changing the look on his face, and blocks my hand with his foot within a few seconds.
• William's favorite Christmas gift wasn't the Nintendo Wii that Santa brought to his Mom's house, but the Buzz Lightyear Trouble (board) game Santa brought to my house.  And we play it non-stop. 
• I like that when my Sister and I are about to hang up from talking on the phone we now tell each other we love each other.  Even though there's provinces between us now I think we're closer than we've been since probably high school.
• I love to watch William and my Mom (Gramma) interact.  William is closer to my Mom than I was with any of my Grandparents, and I like to think I was pretty close with my Grandparents.  I also am glad that William remembers my Grammie and will often make comments about characters in a book or on a tv show resembling her. 
• It makes me proud that William is an avid learner.  He's constantly sounding out words, trying to read signs or even point out patterns.  And even when he has homework he's excited to do it.  I know it's early but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I'm sure I could come up with a million other little things that make my day... sometimes you just need to focus on those and know everything else will fall into place. 

The ugly side

As far as parenting William goes, he's been a dream child.  I hear stories from coworkers, friends and other family members and I cannot believe that things can really get that out of control.  Usually, I tend to look at the parent and wonder if it's their behavior that makes their child act out of control, or whether that person is just a complainer (because that's a disease that my generation has become infected with).  

Two prime examples are when people talk about the terrible twos or how out of control their children behave when they eat chocolate.  Really two years old was an amazing year and each year gets better.  And as far as chocolate or soda goes I never see abnormal behavior after William (or any child) consumes those.

The fifth year of William's life has brought out an ugly side that Jaime and I are left unsure how to handle.  William has turned into a child that is pushing boundaries in one area: he doesn't want to participate in organized activities.  The two examples which have been the most difficult have been softball and swimming lessons.  Wish soft ball the season's first practices started out okay.  He was excited, made hits and ran the bases, but then something changed.  He became aware that everyone was watching him and he no longer wanted to even go on the field.  We tried making him sit thru all the innings with his team on the bench and watch, even if he wouldn't participate, but we soon gave into the fights thinking perhaps he just didn't really like soft ball.  

When school started we had some hesitation with him being excited to start but it all changed and he's excelled in school and looks forward to going everyday.  We thought perhaps it was just soft ball and wrote it off.

And now William is registered in swimming lessons.  He was in them when he was younger, but they were parent/tot classes and really didn't get anything out of them, other than being in a pool on a weekly basis.  I have taken him swimming quite regularly over the years since, but I decided this year I had to enroll him again because swimming is truly survival knowledge.  I would be somewhat failing as a parent to not give him this basic knowledge.

Since it had been a couple of months since William and I had been in the exact pool that he would have lessons in I took him to an open swim for three hours the day before his first lesson.  He realized that he had grown enough to touch thru all areas of the pool and that gave him a lot of confidence.  The next morning however he didn't want to get into the water.  His insecurity over-ruled any reasoning that I presented.  I told his teacher to continue the class without him and made him sit on the edge of the pool and watch his two other classmates as they went thru the lesson.  After class was over I went over what they had done in class and asked him what he had been afraid of and there wasn't anything.  He left promising that the next time he would get in.

This week we went back to the open swim all Saturday afternoon.  We did most of the same things that were covered in the previous lesson and he seemed good to go.  I even put him in a life jacket for a portion of the swim to know what it felt like to have no dependence on me in any capacity in the pool.  He was so proud of himself and said he'd be in the pool the next morning.  Sadly, this morning was the same old story.  He had tears streaming down his cheeks and was very silent.  I had to again tell the instructor to continue without him and told William that I was disappointed and forced him to sit on the edge of the water while I went back with the other parents.  And for about 20 minutes a different instructor came over and talked with him trying to coax him into joining the class.  It was a no go.

I'm at a loss.  I remember what it was like to be the child who was paralyzed with insecurity and didn't want to participate.  But I don't want William to be that child.  This behavior held me back in many areas of life.  He deserves better and as parents we need to help him overcome this hurdle.  But how?  I don't think it's really something he should be punished for, because it's really an emotional response for him and not behavioral. And I don't want to offer rewards, because that is just setting us up for years of problems having him do anything.  So what option do we have?

How do you get your child to grow up with confidence and willing to go outside their comfort zone?  

A mover and a shaker

On boxing day we went to visit at a friend's house... the music was pumping and everyone got into the groove...  

And since every moment in life is a learning experience... I took the time to notice how convenient it would be if I drink and dance in feety pjs... that way when you crash it doesn't matter... you're set for sleep.

MashUp

I've been kinda offline cause it feels like I don't have a lot of free time lately.  So instead of an entry with one specific topic this is going to be a mash up of my last two weeks.

My interview went well with Nova Scotia Power and I left unsure if I would get a job offer.  Not that I felt like I messed any one question up, but I was very clear to the panel that I hoped to stay at my current job until the end of January (and they were hoping to fill their position within the next couple of weeks) and the guy I would be reporting to was someone I went thru grade school with and never was really friends with.  I played with the idea of whether I could work for someone I grew up with but today I got a call that they hired internally so my decision was made for me.  The HR contact was nice enough to let me know they were impressed with my interview and would contact me if another competition arose.

In relation to legal issues I have decided to drop the last issue I have with the divorce.  I spent a lot of time wondering if I would be making a big mistake but thought realistically about the money I would spend for the chance to get what I want when William will soon become more vocal about what he wants and we'll have to listen to a larger extend.  I'm not sure how quickly things will move now but we'll see.

This past weekend was a little crazy.  Let's start with Friday... I attended guerrilla gayfare.  What is guerrilla gayfare you may ask?  It's when the gay community decide to all arrive at a "non-gay" bar all wearing the same color, or ugly Christmas sweaters this month, and go out to make a few new friends.  I didn't have an ugly Christmas sweater so I attached a fabric advent calendar to my shirt and headed out with my friends.  We enjoyed some drinks, chatted to lots of people and danced to the live band... and heck, we even had a doctor buy a round of Stella for us.  Not a bad night.

Saturday I did some Christmas shopping with my Ma and had a nap in the late afternoon.  Soon the text messages were coming in asking me to head out to retro night at the Paragon.  It's probably one of my favorite events here in Halifax so I couldn't turn it down.  We danced to music we grew up on and sweated our asses off.  A new friend of mine decided to join us but sadly didn't make it until the end of retro night (2am) so we went on to Reflections to dance for a couple more hours.  This is the point where I should have gone home... but since he had made the effort I went.  We were having a great time and I ran into some friends I haven't seen in a while and around 3:30 am he started passing out on the dance floor... I tried to get him to leave and in doing so a "friend" of his joined us asking where we were going and insisting he was a boyfriend.  They had some words and things were getting very serious.  I took my friend out in the hopes of getting out before things got messy.  Once outside I asked if he would be okay and he said he thought so, we took off and about half a block later all hell broke loose.  His "friend" showed up and started yelling at him again, and got in my face at one point, before beating this poor guy.  Punching, kicking and dragging the guy into the street by his hair before throwing him to the ground.  I had no idea what to do, and I'm no a fighter so sadly I only had the option of calling 911... police statements were given and by around 4:30am I was home crawling in bed while shaking my head.  WTF is wrong with people?  

Sunday morning I was up at 9am and headed out to get William from his Mom's to take him to my work kids Christmas party.  It was at Winter Wonderland, which is a huge indoor event full of bouncy castles, carnival games, Santa Claus and cookie decorating.  William had a blast and I loved watching him have such a good time with the other kids.  

And then back to work... my week has been nuts.  Deadlines are all merging together, tempers are flaring and  we are all trying to focus on the task at hand... wrapping up the company in a professional manner.  To say that the drinks at our Christmas party on Friday will go down easy will be an understatement.

Well I should take off... I'll try and get back sooner this time.

Three days of Hallowe'en madness!!

Woot woot!  My favorite holiday of the year is upon us and this year it's a three day event.  

Day 1 will be our Hallowe'en party at work and a mid-day assembly at William's school which I will run to during my lunch break.  I just threw together my costume tonight and think it looks pretty darn good if I must say so myself.  A coworker had suggested that she and I go as Snooki and The Situation from Jersey Shore.  I said sure and to my knowledge at 11pm she has backed out and may not even wear a costume.  I'm hoping she's just trying to get me going but time will tell.  Here is my costume without some makeup to make me look tanned and maybe some greasy hair.

Day 2 is Saturday... I will spend the day with William but that evening I will be attending a Hallowe'en party in the south end of Halifax.  There are 34 confirmed guests and many pending or still maybes.  The party is expected to be epic... and epic is what a friend called my costume in it's first form.  This is the work in progress version I have taken a pic of.  I will hopefully finish the costume tonight or tomorrow evening.  It's not work appropriate and part of me is shocked that I am actually going to head out in public in this costume... but I figure I have to step up my game.  The crew hosting the party are known for stellar costumes and there is a contest so go big or go home... or in my case be brave or go home.  And let's face it, I'm gay and not getting any younger... no time like the present to be Robin (sidekick of Batman).

Day 3 will be October 31st.  I will be taking William trick-or-treating along with my ex-wife.  I always dress up, so I will again sport the Jersey Shore costume and we'll take a neighborhood in Sackville by storm.  William is dressing as Waldo, from Where's Waldo and I made his costume.

Let the festivities begin!!  Happy Hallowe'en Weekend y'all!

And the lack of communication begins

Here's a conversation William and I had Friday afternoon while out for a walk in the city... if this is how it starts, what will it be like when I ask about finals in university?  Ha!

Me:  So William, what did you do at school today?

William:  Nothing.

M:  Nothing?  Did you color? 

W: No.

M: Play with blocks?

W: No.

M: Did your teacher read you a book?

W: No.

M: Did you have fun playing on the playground?

W: Grrrrr

M: What's wrong?

W: I don't remember Daddio.

M:  What did you have for lunch?

W: Nothing.

M: Nothing?  Did MomMom forget to pack your lunchbag?

W:  Yes.

M: Well you must be starving.  I can't believe you had to go all day without anything to eat.  I should call MomMom and ask why she forgot.

W: I had a sandwich.  Can we go to the playground now?

Let's just screw Christmas this year.

So the day in court ended up being just a money grab for the lawyers.  The Ex and I each met our respective lawyers in the lobby and they talked a bit of game to each other and then we filed into the court room.  Jaime and I made minimal eye contact and didn't even so much as say hi.  I was simply trying to keep my shit together and not cry in front of the judge, and I suspect the same was true for her as well.

The took turns standing up and addressing the judge, basically asking that our final issue be decided on by judge and at that time divorce papers would also be signed.  To say I was disappointed that nothing got done was an understatement.  I don't like wasting money, taking time off work or dealing with any of this, let alone letting it continue to drag on.

The court date is now December 14th.  That's right DECEMBER 14th.  Well as if Christmas wouldn't be hard enough this year since he'll wake up at her house, divorce will be finalized, my sister won't be home and it will be almost a year since Grammie passed away.  Needless to say I'm looking into my Mom and I (and now I'm really starting to sound like someone who should have 10 cats) going to NYC for a few days during the holidays to get away from reality.  Either that or I'll need to get a 40 of gin and as many limes as one can buy at the local Superstore.

My next post will be upbeat... PROMISE!

Deadline reached?

Tomorrow may possibly be the day the divorce is final.

We have some sort of meeting where Jaime and I sit down with our lawyers and a judge, and from what I understand if everything can be worked out in this half hour then this is it.  Now it's not a meeting that we have to be present for, since our lawyers have the ability to act on our behalf, but I'm going.  Not sure if the ex will be there or not.  I didn't have the heart to ask her today, because I'm sure this day is just as hard for her.

This meeting has been weighing on my mind for weeks, but especially today.  I don't know what to expect and I fear the finality of it all.  The true end to a huge chapter of my life.  I went to hot yoga tonight to try and clear my mind but now that I'm home and alone with no one to distract me it's eating me alive.  I just hope sleep comes quickly.

In all honesty, when I proposed to Jaime in May 2002 I never ever dreamed that our relationship would ever end in divorce.  I pictured us having kids, at least one of which would be adopted.  I pictured us settling into a home that our children would bring their children home to and that we would build so many happy memories that we'd never run out of things to talk about.

But I will try and focus on the fact that possibly the nightmare will end and Jaime (and hopefully myself as well) will have some peace and find our new normal.  My heart aches.

Father's Day

In our interim custody agreement there is a provision that I get William for part of father's day, even if it's not my scheduled time.  Originally Jaime had asked if perhaps we could go to see Toy Story 3 as a family on father's day and then I would keep him into the evening.  This morning I got a call from William wishing me a happy father's day and Jaime backed out; it was going to be too hard emotionally.  I understood.

So I hopped out of bed and grabbed a shower.  I was exhausted because I was out partying until 5am but with 4 hours of sleep under my belt I started a great father's day.  I picked William up and he was very excited to have me open my presents right away.  A Buzz Lightyear plush toy and a Where's Waldo book.  They were completely his idea and I loved them.  We grabbed some lunch and headed to the movie.  

He snuggled into my lap during the previews and was there most of the movie.  It was a good third part in the series but of course the lack of sleep and some residual gin being in my bloodstream made a few scenes a little more emotional than it should have been.  It's strange how a cartoon can make you realize how fast kids grow up. 

From the movie we swung by the house to grab a sweat shirt and headed down to the ferry terminal and caught a ferry across the harbour.  We walked the waterfront and sat on a park bench at one point watching the sailboats and looking for Waldo in the new book.  Then we grabbed some supper and I took him back to his Mom's.  

All in all it was a great day.  I have no complaints.  Sure in a perfect world he would live with me and have woken me up this morning in person, but I'm very blessed and that technicality is not something I have the least bit of focus on today.

Birds of a feather... compare notes

It's strange when you seperate from a spouse because initially you feel so alone and isolated from everyone.  Even if you have a strong support system, you really don't think they can possibly understand what you are going thru and for the most part that is probably true.  And as time goes by you find yourself seeking sources to increase your knowledge base, if for nothing else, just to know what to expect in the coming weeks, months and years.

It seems that lately friends of mine are seperating like I have just set the newest trend.  That suddenly single and divorcing is the new black and all the cool people are doing it.  In the last couple of months I have had three friends contact me to talk about their seperation.  People that I didn't know were even on that path in their relationship.  And I am more than happy to be their shoulder to cry on or their pillar of support.  I have ridden the hardest part of the wave and hope that even the slightest amount of my experience can make their path easier. 

This apparent trend also makes me wonder a couple of things.  (A)  Is our society too quick to walk away from a relationship when things aren't easy?  and (B)  What is our society going to look like when I'm a senior citizen.  Will there be marriages that have stood the test of time and reached those mile stones of 50 and 60 years?  And if so, will those relationships seem abnormal and sacred?  Will anyone have only been married once?  Will people even still get married? 

I know everyone's path is different.  I understand pain.  And I believe that everyone should truly be happy, but I also wonder if there are a lot of people out there who are just giving up because sometimes that is easier than doing the work to stay together.  Marriage is not easy, but I think getting back to the basics of the relationship is even harder once one person has already let go.

Catch up

Holy crap... how long has it been since I last blogged.  I feel like it's been forever.  So I'll do a little explaining why it's been so long.

Work has gotten a little crazy.  A woman, who has worked for the company for years, was fired on a Monday at 5pm.  I don't know specifics but during a department meeting the following week one of the VPs took the time to discuss professional conduct and included things like... anything you do on your work computer is accessed by the company and we have every right to see everything you do on that computer.  It can ruin your career and embarrass you.  Think about what you do on your computer and whether you would want your boss to read it.  Would you be embarrassed?  I immediately thought about the time I spend on the Internet and having read dooce.com over the years I know it's reasonable that one can lose a job over a blog.  And my adult rated webcam show might not go over so well either.  So paying for future tuition has changed my cam scenes from business setting to a dark damp basement.  Don't judge me.

And then there was a week long vacation I took.  A family vacation of sorts to visit my sister in Toronto.  Mom, William and I got a smoking deal on a flight, especially considering we left on the Saturday morning of a long weekend.  Well Annette lives in Georgetown, not Toronto.  It's really a tease to be that close to the city and not be able to enjoy it.  We spent a couple of days south of the border in Buffalo, NY shopping, and then took in the Toronto Zoo and Canada's Wonderland and then on Friday night I took an almost two hour bus ride into the city to get my party on.  I rented a room in an Inn, that was probably better described as a hostel and was below my standards, but seeing as I didn't get in until 5 am and was up and out of the room by 10 am it fit it's purpose.

I feel bad that my sister doesn't take better advantage of living where she does.  She's over worked and hasn't made any real friends to speak of, so I think she spends the majority of her limited free time alone.  If it was me I'd (a) be applying for a job with realistic hours, (b) find a circle of friends who have similar interest and (c) I would know TO like the back of my hand. 

One trait of my father's that I inherited was the ability to speak my mind, and not always as sensitively as I should.  We had a talk last summer around a camp fire where I questioned whether she was happy.  I didn't feel I did it in a mean way but more in a concerned brother's way but it upset her, and I hate to upset any woman in my life.  I just want her to be happy and if you're not happy and fulfilled living in the big city and if you miss your family and wish you didn't miss so much of your nephew's growth then move the hell home.  I could go on and on but I've probably already said more than I should.  Moral of my story... life is short at least try and make yourself happy!

And back to my distractions from blogging... I have also started a photography course at NSCAD which is eating up lots of my time (and I LOVE IT!!), I started a new fitness plan that had me lose 15 lbs in three weeks and has started to change my body in ways I'm very happy about, my son had grade primary orientation, started little league baseball and just this Thursday graduated from preschool.

So I've had a lot on my plate... most of it has been very positive but of course there are a few bumps with the divorce, trying to become debt free and the realization that my baby is going to big school and I probably won't ever have a child that young again. 

And now to get back into routine!

Sometimes I even surprise myself

These last few weeks, with divorce looming in the near distance, I have been bombarded with feelings. The anger when I receive letters from her lawyer about them not being willing to budge on the right of first refusal, which I want in our agreement, and the sadness I feel about the finality of it all.

Yesterday, I got such a letter from her lawyer, being very aggressive and trying to make me out to be unreasonable. Saying things like “Mr. Brown’s demand for a new clause…” or “not prepared to go down the pathway Mr. Brown wants her to go.”, when all I want is to protect both of our interests as parents. To remove future conflict from arising. But apparently I’m unreasonable prick with only my own interests in mind.

Until today, when I realize that my gut reaction is to still be sympathetic to Jaime. And that my gut reaction is usually how I respond to her. That I’m not this heartless jerk that always has to win… which is how I am made out to be. But instead, I still feel like someone who is trying to protect her from a world that can sometimes be very cruel.

Today her parents went on a tropical vacation and it’s my weekend to have William. She dropped him off at my place this morning, so that my Mom can babysit him while we are both at work, and then he is with us for the weekend.

What do I do when I get to work? I email her… reaching out to her, when I’m sure she is realizing how long of a weekend it can be when you are absolutely alone. And I offer for her to join William and I for a meal over the weekend or to hang out for a bit, to break up her weekend if she is alone.

When she responds, that she is finding it all really hard, I even offer her to come back after work and have him over night. On my weekend! Why? Because I know how much it hurts. I know how much you can miss having your son with you, especially when you have no one else.

I hope for just one second she realizes that I’m still that person that she fell in love with and that I’m not the monster trying to rip her son from her hands.

Sidenote: My next post will not be about my divorce... I promise.

Anxious

I am very anxious right now. I think everything is just starting to hit me that soon I will be a divorced man. Something I never saw for myself and not something I think I am even really ready for. And in reality, who sees themselves getting divorced? But me? I was always someone who followed the expected path. I graduated high school, went onto university, started a career, got married, bought a house and had my first child. Now my life is all but on track... well at least not on that track anymore.

This week I had to meet with my lawyer to prepare for the final stages before the divorce becomes final. I brought in my paystubs and my latest tax filing and we spoke of the final issues I have with the corollary relief judgement, which is supplied to the judge along with the divorce filing. While I was there my lawyer tried to call the opposing lawyer to set up a four way meeting, in an attempt to resolve the final issues. I guess we just wait now to see whether a meeting can take place, and whether anything can be accomplished. In the last two years, there has been a lot of stalling and needless attempts to bully me into giving up most of my rights. And somehow I have gotten thru it all, but being faced with this meeting is not something I feel prepared for. I know I have the strength to get thru anything, but I don’t know how to give myself a pep talk for this one, especially now that I have this feeling in me.

Sure it’s been almost two years since my wife moved out of our home, but every single day and night I think about her. I think about it would be like if we got back together. I know I have mentioned it before, and I know it’s not a real possibility, and even if it happened there is no way it would work. Surely, the last two years have damaged us to an extent that even under the perfect circumstances, we could never move past these last two years.

But I do, truly, want my old life back. I made the mistake tonight of looking thru old photos. I also started thinking about my family tree and how I don’t have the family I once did. And it’s my fault. Sure neither of us was a perfect spouse; we both had things we needed to work on, but ultimately there are three words I said to her, that will forever have changed my life. Words that I honestly wish I had kept to myself. What if that was the biggest mistake of my life?

I am sure my therapist would say that I am still in the grieving process and that the actual divorce proceedings is a marker that I should have know would cause all of these feelings to rush to the surface, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. So what? I’m normal... yippee!

My heart hurts. It’s Friday night and I’m alone. In order to not sit home alone all night I went to the mall for a bit. I rented a movie, to try and distract myself, but so far, no dice.

I just hope, that after the ink dries on the divorce papers, that we can somehow find a place where we can at least be friends. And I’m not kidding myself into thinking it will be a normal friendship, but at least to a degree that we are no longer reading between the lines or are being over paranoid that the other is up to something. Maybe just friends enough that instead of only texting each other, she will answer my phone calls and talk to me. She was my best friend for half my life...

Update:  It's now Monday morning, and all weekend I have thought back to this post.  I have thought numerous times of deleting it, because really, does anyone want to read some of my most inner thought?  And then I thought... you know what?  It's my true feelings, and I shouldn't be ashamed to share those with anyone, and hey this is cheaper than most therapists charge, right? 

Sleep Interupted

It's funny how I can outwardly be okay,  but stress can poke it's ulgy head out in strange ways.  And it's doing it again. 

When my dad passed away I lost the ability to sleep through the night.  It was strange... I went from someone who could sleep through thunder and lightning to someone who developed a strange habit of needing to use the bathroom every single night. 

And when I think about it, when I was overwhelmed in my first year of university my mind would race so badly at bedtime that I thought I was losing my mind and had convinced myself that I had a brain tumor.

Now I am essentially two years into the seperation with my wife and my sleep patterns are again interupted.  It can be tossing and turning  and then finally reaching that level of half sleep where you are aware of where your mind is drifting, but time is passing quickly enough that you swear you must have slept for a portion of the time.  Or it can be me waking up in the middle of the night in panic; looking around the bedroom for the comfort of my old life.  I can't shake it. 

I will always miss my life as a married man.  There were issues that needed to be resolved, but I miss my wife desperately.  I miss my best friend.  I know that time will heal a lot of what we have gone through but right now it's hard.  Please let tonight be a night full of peaceful sleep.

I learned if from my Mama

The longer I am a single Dad, the more I respect my Mom for everything she did for my family.

Today for example, I got up got ready for work, ran to pick up some groceries at lunch and put in a full days work.  Came home, made supper, cleaned my dishes (no dishwasher here), ran to the gym, back to the grocery store to pick up eggs and bananas, that I had for gotten earlier, ran a load of laundry, cleaned up couple of rooms, took out the garbage and recycling.  And here it is 10:30 pm and I'm finally sitting down... but it's practically bedtime.  This was a day without William around.

As I sit here I think about my Mom's average day, when I was young.  She was up at least in the six o'clock hour.  She would get her two kids up and fed, get her husband up and ready and all of us out the door.  Drive us to another subdivision to our babysitters.  Some days I would beg her not to leave me there... how heartbreaking would that be?  Then she would work a full day, come home pick us up, make us supper, do the dishes, do a couple loads of laundry and run around doing other daily chores and helping us with homework.  She faithfully read us books and tucked us in at night and had a husband who was not involved in raising his kids.  And not once do I remember her complaining. 

I am just hoping that enough of that has rubbed off on me.  I try hard to maintain the household, doing most of the daily chores when I don't have William, so that our time together is just about us.  And I try not to complain.  Sure we all wish there was less work around the house to be done... but this is the part of life I think I looked forward to in some way.  The part where I build a home for William.

Someone is almost 5!

When William turned four he refused to accept the change.  If he was asked how old he was, at any point in the last year he would say he was three, cause it was his favorite number.  Now that he's almost five and five means going to big boy school, he's all ready to embrace the change, and this year, I'm not!  He's three!!