Time flies

Wow, it is close to a year since I have posted.  In all honesty I pretty much forgot this blog even existed until someone made a comment on one of my posts.  And it got me to thinking about how therapeutic writing was to me.  Maybe it's time to start this thing up again.

A quick point-form list of what I've been up to and what I plan to write about includes:

• Thoughts on coming out to my son, officially
• Worrying your ex-wife caught you on a walk-of-shame, that's not really a walk-of-shame
• Opening up to possibilities and the consequences
• Watching another couple's divorce path and realizing how far we've come
• English accents at a party can lead to me seemingly being proven right
• That awkward moment when you discuss Pride with your ex-wife
• Questioning true friendships and expectations I put on those friends
• Two female friends partake in cheating as "the Other Woman"
• Retire, Fire, Fire... team-build
• And where does one go from here

I don't fool myself into thinking it will be entertaining reading to everyone but hey my story might be entertaining to someone.  Ha! 

Found: One early-thirties guy with his shit together

It's been almost three years since I came out and my life crumbled before my eyes.  And on March 11th my divorce became final.  That chapter of my life is officially over according to a few pieces of paper and thousands of dollars.

I feared the day it all became final because I thought it would throw me for a tail-spin, even though I knew the day was coming.  But when my ex-wife mentioned to me that it was finalized I was saddened but there was also a sense of having been desensitized to the reality because we've been living apart for so long.  

The road has been a long one to get to today but one thing I gained from all of this pain and loneliness is that I have truly found myself.  This period of time, being a single adult man has given  me a true sense of self and clarity that I don't think I have ever had.

I was known to most people as part of a couple for half my life.  I was the type of guy who fit into a mold and followed the logical path in life and never wanted to inconvenience anyone else.  Then one day I wasn't someone who followed the life path that so many take.  I struggled with my own identity and had to fight for the rights to even see my son on regular schedule.

And in walking this new path, I had to develop my own new community.  I had to find new friends and develop a support system.  And I had to be okay with sleeping alone, in an empty house and eat meals by myself.  The silence was deafening and I'm sure I showed signs of depression.

I was lucky to find a few key people who have given me tools to be okay.  One of those people was a guy named Jake who introduced me to hot yoga.  Hot yoga has become a way for me to escape the outside world and focus simply on breath and heartbeat and I leave the studio feeling renewed and with a sense of peace.  I know it sounds clichéd but it's true.  

Time has also been a vehicle that has helped me gain some clarity.  I know I'm a good person.  I know I have a lot to offer anyone I have a relationship with.  And I'm completely capable of being a single man.  I've always been a man who cooked and cleaned, but I can now say that I'm a man who has created a comfortable home for my son.  And this passing of time has allowed me to transition from fearing my days/weekends without William to someone who made the most of that time by catching up on chores that may have slipped, catching up with friends, or spending a Friday night being lazy on the couch because the 5:45 wake up times had caught up to me.  It's okay to be alone; I'm independent and perhaps that is a trait that my son will notice and incorporate into his own development.  

Three years ago I don't think I would predict that I would be where I am right now.  I think I would have predicted that I'd still be struggling to find a new equilibrium, but I'm happy to say I survived and came out the other side knowing myself better than I ever have.  I have a strength inside me that I underestimated and although I don't want to be single forever, I know it's okay.  And I've set certain standards for myself in hopes of never losing myself again.

Sure I still have some work to do but I know I will be okay.

Sometimes it feels so abnormally normal...

It's strange how being two plus years into a seperation that two people can still feel so confused and lost about the whole thing.  I sometimes wonder where my ex-wife's head is in relation to the whole thing but will never ask because I'm afraid I will remind her if she's in a period of peace about it.  But then some days, like today I get this in an email:

"I’m having a bad being-divorced-day today. A not-understanding-even-though-I-know day."

 and I'm struck in the chest with the reality of how she is feeling.  And that even though we both know it's the right thing to do, I am probably safe to assume that neither of us really want it to be happening.  All I can do is apologize for pain and explain that I am feeling some of the same things.

There is so much I want to say to her, to try and help her get thru all of this, but I wait.  I wait because thru the process I was accused of manipulating her, when in reality I was just trying to maintain my relationship with my son.  Instead, I have started writing a letter in my head, that I will eventually put on paper and give her once the divorce is finalized. 

It's hard to be seperated from someone who has been my best friend for so many years and that even though things got pretty bad I still love and want the best for, and want to be in their life everyday... so I try and block it all out and just get thru the days, weeks and months.  Hoping one day it will all make sense for everyone.