True colors will come shining thru

So it's 1 am and I got in from a date about half an hour ago.  It's a guy I've dated casually for the last couple of weeks and if I was open to it, I think the potential is very strong that this guy could become a boyfriend.  But that is not going to happen.  And it's not going to happen for two reasons.

Reason 1.  I don't want to be a boyfriend right now.  I don't want to lose myself again.  I don't want to give up the majority of my free time.  I don't want to life the life where I am constantly in a race to get from work to someone.  I don't want to have two separate lives... the one with my son and the one with my boyfriend.  I still want to work on myself.  I have fitness goals I did not reach by my birthday and I want to see what level I can reach.

Reason 2.  I am sick of the bullshit.  That's a very general statement and it's because I'm pissed off that it's even a reason, but here's the deal...

I met this guy face-to-face a few weeks ago at a bar.  Cheers to be exact.  It was a gay event being held and I was out with friends and knew he would be there.  We had chatted some before going so we both had planned on at least a hello.

Well that night we said hello.  That was it.  An acknowledgement.  And it was enough for me.  I was having fun with my friends and he was with his.  But come to find out one specific person, a former friend, told him to avoid me and that I was nothing but trouble.  And when did I find this out?  On my first date with this guy, the next week.

We met for a beer and he explains what had transpired.  I was instantly deflated.  I sat there with a full glass in front of me and no escape plan in place.  I looked out at the faces of passers-by wondering how I would ever get thru the date.  How I could somehow explain that I was a good person no matter what was said and that if he had any knowledge of the source that should be all the explanation he would need.  But somehow I talked myself into turning my mindset around and prove this guy wrong.  And it was a success.  Not only did I survive the beer, but the evening carried on for a few more hours and upon dropping the guy off I got a request for a second date before I even got my car in the driveway. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks to tonight and again over a beer, before a movie, I was told that my name came up the weekend before by another guy in the group of former friends.  And obviously I use the term friend very loosely.  This time it was said that I had cheated on my ex and that is why we broke up.

What.The.Fuck?

Where is the logic?  I was the one to dump the ex-boyfriend.  I was the one who cut him out of my life.  I was the one who told him to leave me out of his drama.  I was the one who was begged to take him back.  I was the one who was told that if I EVER changed my mind and wanted him back, even if he was in a new relationship then he would dump them for me in a heartbeat.  Where in all of that is the logic that matches to me being a cheater?  

But my reaction was that I was completely gutted.  I actually wanted to put hands to face to cover the tears that were about to erupt.  How can it be that after such a long span of time it can still be important to try and hurt me?  That I can still be a thought in any of their minds.  I don't get it.  It would be one thing to try and ruin my reputation at the time I dumped him, in order to salvage any of his own reputation... but so much time has passed I should just be a faint memory.  I don't get it.

Instead I just said... I'm trying to be the bigger person here and I don't want to go into details but I could prove the opposite is true.  And I thought to myself... clearly my actions match my story.  I'm a stand up guy who is not trying to get into the drama and I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I was a catch of a boyfriend to this guy at the time and I'm more of a catch now that I've grown so much over the last couple of years.  And I am a strong believer in that a person's true colors will always show if given enough time.

Time flies

Wow, it is close to a year since I have posted.  In all honesty I pretty much forgot this blog even existed until someone made a comment on one of my posts.  And it got me to thinking about how therapeutic writing was to me.  Maybe it's time to start this thing up again.

A quick point-form list of what I've been up to and what I plan to write about includes:

• Thoughts on coming out to my son, officially
• Worrying your ex-wife caught you on a walk-of-shame, that's not really a walk-of-shame
• Opening up to possibilities and the consequences
• Watching another couple's divorce path and realizing how far we've come
• English accents at a party can lead to me seemingly being proven right
• That awkward moment when you discuss Pride with your ex-wife
• Questioning true friendships and expectations I put on those friends
• Two female friends partake in cheating as "the Other Woman"
• Retire, Fire, Fire... team-build
• And where does one go from here

I don't fool myself into thinking it will be entertaining reading to everyone but hey my story might be entertaining to someone.  Ha! 

Manhattan

My first trip to NYC was everything I hoped it would be, except for meeting a celebrity.

I traveled to Laguardia via Philadelphia and could not even contain my smile when I walked thru the gate into the airport.  I quickly located ground transportation and opted to skip the cab and grab a bus and subway.  This would give me time to sit back and take in the sights and sounds.  Right off the bat my aggressive bus driver made my day by laying on the horn and making other drivers aware that he wasn't fooling around.

When I got off the subway and climbed the stairs I was in Manhattan.  I immediately pulled out my camera and started shooting parking garages and fire escapes.  Then I told myself I had better walk the three or four blocks and reach my accommodation and ditch my suitcase.  I found the apartment and made my way to the 40th floor to meet Harry face-to-face.  He was just as friendly and welcoming as my friend Peter assured me that he would be.  And I immediately had a best friend in his dog Bailey.  

That afternoon he gave me a quick tour of a few points of interest, including Times Square, the Library, Grand Central Station, Eataly, the Flatiron Building and we stopped in for a real NY pizza known all over the world.  I was in awe and tried to memorize everything I was experiencing.  We then made our way to a sports bar for a drink, which soon turned into... well I could make up a number but what's the point in that.  I had a strong buzz and felt like a local.  We then went back to Harry's place to change, grab another very strong drink (who knew Texans could out drink a Maritimer???) and headed out to meet up with some friends and performed an impromptu pub crawl.  I think it was around 3 or 4 am when we stopped at a convenience store to buy triscuits to eat before passing out.

Friday morning I was up early with the dog and I just hung out quietly, watching out the window at the amazing views... the Statue of Liberty in the distance, the Empire State Building, the Hudson River... until finally I couldn't waste another minute.  I knocked on my host's bedroom door and asked where his linen closet was so I could grab a face cloth and towel.  That day, while he ran errands and worked a bit, I headed to Times Square to grab on of the double-decker tour buses.  I did downtown and saw all the must-sees for a first-time traveller.  I mentally made notes of places I hoped to get back to, but unfortunately didn't this time.  When the tour was done, I found some lunch and sat smack-dab in the middle of Times Square and watched the world revolve around me.  After lunch I walked back to Central Park and strolled thru a small fraction of the park.  After the park I went into the mall, on the ground level of the Time-Warner towers and hung out charging my iPhone and keeping my eye out for two of the most popular residents of the complex, Beyonce and Jay-Z.  Sadly I didn't see one person who could pass for either of them.  Ha!  I then made a few text messages and secured plans with Harry.  I returned to homebase, had a shower and then we went out for dinner and drinks.  A friend of Harry's for New Orleans joined us and then we ended up in the Meat Packing district having cocktails and living the life.  That night ended around 2am.

I woke up early Saturday and headed back to Times Square to buy tourist items to bring home to the family and then met up with Harry at Vinyl for brunch.  Now apparently brunch is a new concept in Manattan... who knew Nova Scotia was so far ahead socially?  Bahaha.  After brunch I grabbed a rental car and drove north to Mansfield Massachusetts to see the Maroon 5 concert.  The concert was amazing.  I literally had chills multiple times and I was able to make a fan in the nose-bleed section's day when I gave him my spare ticket to row 27, versus his "field" seating.  Post-concert I drove back to Connecticut where I crashed in a hotel prior to heading to the airport and home. 

It ended up only being the better part of two days in NYC, and I had questioned whether it was even worth going for that amount of time but I have no regrets.  I fell in love with the city, as I'm sure most people do, and now I've done some things I won't have to do the next time I go back.  And my gracious host as asked me to come back anytime.  And hey with free accommodations a mere 6 blocks from Times Square how can I pass up that offer.

It was a great way to start my 34th year... and I believe it's indicative of the year I am going to have.  

New Year's Resolution

On the eve of my 34th birthday I have decided to blog about where I am today in my mind.  It's a moment of looking at my reflection in the mirror.  Sure there are a few more wrinkles and a few more grey hairs but I think I look great for 34 (or 29+5 as some people like to refer to it).

For some reason I'm really looking forward to starting a new year.  I'm very optimistic about the direction my life will take this year.  I'm sure part of that is due to the fact that I'm on vacation this week and I'm leaving for NYC Thursday morning.  But I think a bigger part of it is that my life is quite settled.  

My divorce has been finalized, and with the exception of my ex-wife trying to increase her child support things are in a good place.  She just moved into her own place and I'd almost venture to say we are almost friends again.

I have also developed strong friendships with a couple of guys and grew closer with my friend Tori.  In the last year I have also walked away from a group of gay men who thrive on drama.  Sure my social life has changed and even Tori thinks I have isolated myself unnecessarily, but I have come to a point in my life where I would prefer to lose friends that have friends who talk behind each other's backs and try to hard to be something they feel is admired.  And walking away gave me a real sense of peace.  There really does come a time where you let go, and it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and self-confidence.

My career on the other hand is in a very strange place.  I have no idea where my path lies, at this point.  There is a lot of turmoil in our office due to an over-abundance of work and lack of support from top management.  I have held meetings with management and we had a department meeting with management and there is a lot of talk without any backing up.  The staff, who have been there for many years are more frustrated than ever and some have started looking for new employment.  I warned the COO specifically that we are in borderline crisis mode and if we lose one member the crisis is guaranteed.  We will see what that means for my future.  At this point I'm not actively looking but I will keep my options open.

My career is also unsettled because I'm considering a real path change.  I have watched members on the corporate latter one step higher than myself and I see them continually be over-worked and under-appreciated and have an unhealthy work-life balance.  I don't see myself in those positions and I cannot justify continuing to spend thousands of dollars in tuition to put myself in that place.  I have officially decided to withdrawal from my professional designation program and take some time to look at new options.

I have been fortunate enough to travel this year.  I have been to Montreal, Mexico, Toronto and this week will be travelling to NYC solo.  In travelling I have also done a lot of thinking.  I have put my life on hold in many ways over the last few years.  I have stayed living back at "home" and have not really allowed myself to be open to dating anyone.  I'm making it a resolution this year to open up and take a few risks.  There are lyrics in the Maroon 5 song "How" that say

"though I don't understand the meaning of love

I do not mind if I die trying"

I think I'm willing to die trying.  I've questioned whether I really believe that love is enough and I've wondered if a true love really exists.  I'm no closer to the answer but I think romantically enough to be willing to spend my life trying and I know that risks being hurt.

So it's going to be another year of self-improvement mentally and physically.  It's going to be a year of taking risks and truly living life.  It's going to be a year of getting my life to a place I'm proud of or at least closer to my goals.  I will never give up on myself. 

Just can't settle

I don't know what's wrong with me... I have a complete inability to settle for things.  I'm 33.  I should be settled in my career but I'm not.  To be honest there's not that much I'm overly content with in my life.  What the eff is wrong with me?

I think I need a life coach.  

I want to take a risk and switch careers.  I want to move to a new city.  I want to date.  But I won't.  And five years from now I'll regret not having done it now.

I have one thing holding me here in Halifax and it's a six year old sitting in front of me eating pudding and watching cartoons before bed.  Well really it's my ex-wife holding me here, cause I have asked her to move so William could come with me.  Haha.

PS.  I know this post is unacceptably short and it's long overdue, but summer is the busiest time of the year it seems and I figure a post is better than none, and will hopefully get me back on track.  After all I've got some stories to share.

Update: After posting this a few hours ago I felt it necessary to make another note.

I am someone who is okay with never settling in one sense.  I NEVER want to be someone who is in a relationship where I settle at the expense of myself, just to be with someone.  And I would love to achieve personal goals, which also requires I don't settle into complete routine.  However, it would be great, if I could feel a bit more content in my choices in career and not always wonder if there's something better when feeling overworked and under-appreciated and there's no end in sight.

Going to Toronto Pride 2011

Recently a cousin of mine moved to Toronto.  He is someone I never really knew until I came out; I reached out to him via facebook in a hopes of having someone in the family to talk to.  Little did I know that we would become such great friends and support to each other.

When he first talked of moving to Toronto, I was not surprised because he has the personal style that is light years ahead of our, at times, small minded city of Halifax.  He begged me to go with him; take a year away from Nova Scotia and just experience life exploring a strange city.  Of course I had to decline, because of my son, but I still allowed myself to dream of what it would be like to start over and be a stranger to everyone I met.

I promised I would visit him repeatedly and my first chance came in June.  I messaged him and said I was watching flight prices and he suggested I come up for Toronto Pride.  I didn`t hesitate.  I checked dates and whether they would jive with my work load and within minutes of having management approval I booked my flight.

I will be leaving June 29th, for a right of passage a lot of gay folks want to experience: a pride that could never be duplicated in the small cities and rural areas of Canada.  The first couple of nights I will spend with my sister, just visiting and maybe getting a little tipsy.  Then on Canada Day I will meet up with my cousin to take in all the crazy that will be Toronto Pride 2011.  I have no clue what I am in store for, but I know I`ve got stamina on the dance-floor; I have great tolerance for crowds and I can`t wait to be part of a community taking over one of the major cities of the world in celebration of just being ourselves.

Now if only I had had the self-discipline enough to work harder at the gym and avoid carbs.  Ha!

Being called a DILF is a title I'm proud of... but not for all the wrong reasons

Upon a few instances of chatting with guys, since coming out of the closet, I have been called a DILF.  Now, we all know what that term means, so I'm not going to spell it out, but I am flattered some guys have considered me a DILF.

And just a couple weeks ago I was having a conversation with some women in our accounting office and they told a story about having gone out for drinks at the Lower Deck and a server told them they were MILFs.  Initially not all of them knew what that meant, but were filled in pretty quickly.  Our conversation went on to a couple of the women saying they had felt insulted by that term... and I was all... Hold up, WHAT?  You were insulted?  It wasn't like he called you cougars.  If someone younger finds you attractive enough to think about getting up on ya (I'm so street), then you should be pretty proud that you've maintained your looks.

Now back to the term DILF.  I'm proud to be called it, no matter the connotation, because I am happy I'm maintaining my looks and more importantly cause I'm a Dad.  

It's the one thing in my life I'm most proud of.  I'd be that Dad who has that wallet insert that rolls to the ground full of picture of my son, if I could fit one in my wallet.  He makes me happy to be alive.  He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep.  To me Father's day is a day I consider myself pretty freaking blessed.  Not every man will get to experience the relationship I have and that's unfortunate.  Being a parent is amazingly rewarding.

Now I know not all men are as involved, or even care to be, as I am with William.  I grew up with a Dad who lacked the parenting (or even caring skills a lot of the time) that I have and if anything that makes me work that much harder to be a good Dad.  You've got one chance to raise a child, so I say go all in... your wager will be well worth it.

This morning I was given a gift bag from William with items he picked out.  I got a Where's Waldo book, Sour Patch kids (my favorite candy), a vampire squeeze toy, a Toy Story egg and most importantly a home made card.  It's a card I will keep forever... and I'll be honest I hope even when William is my age, he still makes me home made cards.

He made the card in school the front cover says "My Dad By William", inside he drew a picture of me and says "My Dad likes to tickle me" and on the back cover it says "Me and my Dad like watching the Simpsons".  Could any Hallmark card top that?  NEVER!

Happy Father's Day out there to all the men who try really hard to make great memories and lead by example!