Manhattan

My first trip to NYC was everything I hoped it would be, except for meeting a celebrity.

I traveled to Laguardia via Philadelphia and could not even contain my smile when I walked thru the gate into the airport.  I quickly located ground transportation and opted to skip the cab and grab a bus and subway.  This would give me time to sit back and take in the sights and sounds.  Right off the bat my aggressive bus driver made my day by laying on the horn and making other drivers aware that he wasn't fooling around.

When I got off the subway and climbed the stairs I was in Manhattan.  I immediately pulled out my camera and started shooting parking garages and fire escapes.  Then I told myself I had better walk the three or four blocks and reach my accommodation and ditch my suitcase.  I found the apartment and made my way to the 40th floor to meet Harry face-to-face.  He was just as friendly and welcoming as my friend Peter assured me that he would be.  And I immediately had a best friend in his dog Bailey.  

That afternoon he gave me a quick tour of a few points of interest, including Times Square, the Library, Grand Central Station, Eataly, the Flatiron Building and we stopped in for a real NY pizza known all over the world.  I was in awe and tried to memorize everything I was experiencing.  We then made our way to a sports bar for a drink, which soon turned into... well I could make up a number but what's the point in that.  I had a strong buzz and felt like a local.  We then went back to Harry's place to change, grab another very strong drink (who knew Texans could out drink a Maritimer???) and headed out to meet up with some friends and performed an impromptu pub crawl.  I think it was around 3 or 4 am when we stopped at a convenience store to buy triscuits to eat before passing out.

Friday morning I was up early with the dog and I just hung out quietly, watching out the window at the amazing views... the Statue of Liberty in the distance, the Empire State Building, the Hudson River... until finally I couldn't waste another minute.  I knocked on my host's bedroom door and asked where his linen closet was so I could grab a face cloth and towel.  That day, while he ran errands and worked a bit, I headed to Times Square to grab on of the double-decker tour buses.  I did downtown and saw all the must-sees for a first-time traveller.  I mentally made notes of places I hoped to get back to, but unfortunately didn't this time.  When the tour was done, I found some lunch and sat smack-dab in the middle of Times Square and watched the world revolve around me.  After lunch I walked back to Central Park and strolled thru a small fraction of the park.  After the park I went into the mall, on the ground level of the Time-Warner towers and hung out charging my iPhone and keeping my eye out for two of the most popular residents of the complex, Beyonce and Jay-Z.  Sadly I didn't see one person who could pass for either of them.  Ha!  I then made a few text messages and secured plans with Harry.  I returned to homebase, had a shower and then we went out for dinner and drinks.  A friend of Harry's for New Orleans joined us and then we ended up in the Meat Packing district having cocktails and living the life.  That night ended around 2am.

I woke up early Saturday and headed back to Times Square to buy tourist items to bring home to the family and then met up with Harry at Vinyl for brunch.  Now apparently brunch is a new concept in Manattan... who knew Nova Scotia was so far ahead socially?  Bahaha.  After brunch I grabbed a rental car and drove north to Mansfield Massachusetts to see the Maroon 5 concert.  The concert was amazing.  I literally had chills multiple times and I was able to make a fan in the nose-bleed section's day when I gave him my spare ticket to row 27, versus his "field" seating.  Post-concert I drove back to Connecticut where I crashed in a hotel prior to heading to the airport and home. 

It ended up only being the better part of two days in NYC, and I had questioned whether it was even worth going for that amount of time but I have no regrets.  I fell in love with the city, as I'm sure most people do, and now I've done some things I won't have to do the next time I go back.  And my gracious host as asked me to come back anytime.  And hey with free accommodations a mere 6 blocks from Times Square how can I pass up that offer.

It was a great way to start my 34th year... and I believe it's indicative of the year I am going to have.  

New Year's Resolution

On the eve of my 34th birthday I have decided to blog about where I am today in my mind.  It's a moment of looking at my reflection in the mirror.  Sure there are a few more wrinkles and a few more grey hairs but I think I look great for 34 (or 29+5 as some people like to refer to it).

For some reason I'm really looking forward to starting a new year.  I'm very optimistic about the direction my life will take this year.  I'm sure part of that is due to the fact that I'm on vacation this week and I'm leaving for NYC Thursday morning.  But I think a bigger part of it is that my life is quite settled.  

My divorce has been finalized, and with the exception of my ex-wife trying to increase her child support things are in a good place.  She just moved into her own place and I'd almost venture to say we are almost friends again.

I have also developed strong friendships with a couple of guys and grew closer with my friend Tori.  In the last year I have also walked away from a group of gay men who thrive on drama.  Sure my social life has changed and even Tori thinks I have isolated myself unnecessarily, but I have come to a point in my life where I would prefer to lose friends that have friends who talk behind each other's backs and try to hard to be something they feel is admired.  And walking away gave me a real sense of peace.  There really does come a time where you let go, and it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and self-confidence.

My career on the other hand is in a very strange place.  I have no idea where my path lies, at this point.  There is a lot of turmoil in our office due to an over-abundance of work and lack of support from top management.  I have held meetings with management and we had a department meeting with management and there is a lot of talk without any backing up.  The staff, who have been there for many years are more frustrated than ever and some have started looking for new employment.  I warned the COO specifically that we are in borderline crisis mode and if we lose one member the crisis is guaranteed.  We will see what that means for my future.  At this point I'm not actively looking but I will keep my options open.

My career is also unsettled because I'm considering a real path change.  I have watched members on the corporate latter one step higher than myself and I see them continually be over-worked and under-appreciated and have an unhealthy work-life balance.  I don't see myself in those positions and I cannot justify continuing to spend thousands of dollars in tuition to put myself in that place.  I have officially decided to withdrawal from my professional designation program and take some time to look at new options.

I have been fortunate enough to travel this year.  I have been to Montreal, Mexico, Toronto and this week will be travelling to NYC solo.  In travelling I have also done a lot of thinking.  I have put my life on hold in many ways over the last few years.  I have stayed living back at "home" and have not really allowed myself to be open to dating anyone.  I'm making it a resolution this year to open up and take a few risks.  There are lyrics in the Maroon 5 song "How" that say

"though I don't understand the meaning of love

I do not mind if I die trying"

I think I'm willing to die trying.  I've questioned whether I really believe that love is enough and I've wondered if a true love really exists.  I'm no closer to the answer but I think romantically enough to be willing to spend my life trying and I know that risks being hurt.

So it's going to be another year of self-improvement mentally and physically.  It's going to be a year of taking risks and truly living life.  It's going to be a year of getting my life to a place I'm proud of or at least closer to my goals.  I will never give up on myself. 

Just can't settle

I don't know what's wrong with me... I have a complete inability to settle for things.  I'm 33.  I should be settled in my career but I'm not.  To be honest there's not that much I'm overly content with in my life.  What the eff is wrong with me?

I think I need a life coach.  

I want to take a risk and switch careers.  I want to move to a new city.  I want to date.  But I won't.  And five years from now I'll regret not having done it now.

I have one thing holding me here in Halifax and it's a six year old sitting in front of me eating pudding and watching cartoons before bed.  Well really it's my ex-wife holding me here, cause I have asked her to move so William could come with me.  Haha.

PS.  I know this post is unacceptably short and it's long overdue, but summer is the busiest time of the year it seems and I figure a post is better than none, and will hopefully get me back on track.  After all I've got some stories to share.

Update: After posting this a few hours ago I felt it necessary to make another note.

I am someone who is okay with never settling in one sense.  I NEVER want to be someone who is in a relationship where I settle at the expense of myself, just to be with someone.  And I would love to achieve personal goals, which also requires I don't settle into complete routine.  However, it would be great, if I could feel a bit more content in my choices in career and not always wonder if there's something better when feeling overworked and under-appreciated and there's no end in sight.

Going to Toronto Pride 2011

Recently a cousin of mine moved to Toronto.  He is someone I never really knew until I came out; I reached out to him via facebook in a hopes of having someone in the family to talk to.  Little did I know that we would become such great friends and support to each other.

When he first talked of moving to Toronto, I was not surprised because he has the personal style that is light years ahead of our, at times, small minded city of Halifax.  He begged me to go with him; take a year away from Nova Scotia and just experience life exploring a strange city.  Of course I had to decline, because of my son, but I still allowed myself to dream of what it would be like to start over and be a stranger to everyone I met.

I promised I would visit him repeatedly and my first chance came in June.  I messaged him and said I was watching flight prices and he suggested I come up for Toronto Pride.  I didn`t hesitate.  I checked dates and whether they would jive with my work load and within minutes of having management approval I booked my flight.

I will be leaving June 29th, for a right of passage a lot of gay folks want to experience: a pride that could never be duplicated in the small cities and rural areas of Canada.  The first couple of nights I will spend with my sister, just visiting and maybe getting a little tipsy.  Then on Canada Day I will meet up with my cousin to take in all the crazy that will be Toronto Pride 2011.  I have no clue what I am in store for, but I know I`ve got stamina on the dance-floor; I have great tolerance for crowds and I can`t wait to be part of a community taking over one of the major cities of the world in celebration of just being ourselves.

Now if only I had had the self-discipline enough to work harder at the gym and avoid carbs.  Ha!

Being called a DILF is a title I'm proud of... but not for all the wrong reasons

Upon a few instances of chatting with guys, since coming out of the closet, I have been called a DILF.  Now, we all know what that term means, so I'm not going to spell it out, but I am flattered some guys have considered me a DILF.

And just a couple weeks ago I was having a conversation with some women in our accounting office and they told a story about having gone out for drinks at the Lower Deck and a server told them they were MILFs.  Initially not all of them knew what that meant, but were filled in pretty quickly.  Our conversation went on to a couple of the women saying they had felt insulted by that term... and I was all... Hold up, WHAT?  You were insulted?  It wasn't like he called you cougars.  If someone younger finds you attractive enough to think about getting up on ya (I'm so street), then you should be pretty proud that you've maintained your looks.

Now back to the term DILF.  I'm proud to be called it, no matter the connotation, because I am happy I'm maintaining my looks and more importantly cause I'm a Dad.  

It's the one thing in my life I'm most proud of.  I'd be that Dad who has that wallet insert that rolls to the ground full of picture of my son, if I could fit one in my wallet.  He makes me happy to be alive.  He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep.  To me Father's day is a day I consider myself pretty freaking blessed.  Not every man will get to experience the relationship I have and that's unfortunate.  Being a parent is amazingly rewarding.

Now I know not all men are as involved, or even care to be, as I am with William.  I grew up with a Dad who lacked the parenting (or even caring skills a lot of the time) that I have and if anything that makes me work that much harder to be a good Dad.  You've got one chance to raise a child, so I say go all in... your wager will be well worth it.

This morning I was given a gift bag from William with items he picked out.  I got a Where's Waldo book, Sour Patch kids (my favorite candy), a vampire squeeze toy, a Toy Story egg and most importantly a home made card.  It's a card I will keep forever... and I'll be honest I hope even when William is my age, he still makes me home made cards.

He made the card in school the front cover says "My Dad By William", inside he drew a picture of me and says "My Dad likes to tickle me" and on the back cover it says "Me and my Dad like watching the Simpsons".  Could any Hallmark card top that?  NEVER!

Happy Father's Day out there to all the men who try really hard to make great memories and lead by example!

Coming out of the closet, again

I'm starting to realize that there will be times in my life where I'm going to have to come out of the closet again and again.  I'm not a flaming homo and I have an ex-wife and a son so people tend to assume that I'm straight.  And in making that assumption people will make comments that unintentionally put me on the spot.

And that's where I am right now, at my place of work.  I've been there over three months and as people learn more about me and develop friendships they say things based on the assumption that I'm 100% straight.  And I feel like I MUST come out at work very soon, because I almost feel like I'm lying about who I am.  And I haven't gone thru all of this struggle, to hide again.

My intention is to just pass on the fact that I'm a homo in conversation, at some point, without drawing much attention to it.  It's just a fact of my life; I've dealt with it and have nothing to be ashamed of yet I don't know why I've gone this long without just spitting it out.

The office culture I work in is well varied.  There is the full working age range represented in my office, and even within the group I work relatively close with.  Some of the older generation's opinion, I expect will be judgmental and not understanding but that's their issue, not mine.  There are also, at least two openly gay employees and having run into one of them at a local gay bar, I feel like I would rather address this rumor openly myself than have him create gossip about it.  Sidenote: he was very drunk, making out and feeling up another guy while on the dance floor and didn't notice me, so it's not a current concern.

Now I just have to find a way to bring it up.  I foresee two easy possibilities in the next couple of weeks: going to lunch with a coworker tomorrow, cause she wants to vent and a summer work party where drinks and dancing are involved and expected.  I just hope that by the end of June I'll have succeeded in coming out of the closet again.

1 girl 5 gays

There's a show on MTV Canada, which I found about a year ago online called 1 girl 5 gays which has fastly become one of my favorite shows.  It is a show comprised of a female host and a panel of gay men from different facets of the community.  Every week they answer "20 questions about love and sex", but in reality the show deals with many more questions than that.  The panel are a group of men with a wide variety of experience and opinions and as such, it can lead to heated debates.

Some gay men look at the show as promoting the promiscuous stereotype and therefore write it off, however I love the show.  So much so, that I've had correspondence with both the host and the casting director inquiring about the ability to be on the show some day.  I think the men on the panel are very brave to be completely honest about their experiences and opinions because they share some very intimate details about their own lives. And while some may look at their answers and think about the negative impression it may give, I look at their answers and appreciate their honesty.  If more people, both gay and straight, would be honest they would probably admit that there's a lot more promiscuity in all sexual orientations and that homos are no more apt to have multiple sexual partners than any other group.

The show also allows you to see a wider cross section of the gay community.  From very feminine to very masculine guy and everything in between.  From plaid shirts to deep v.  From very fit to over weight.  And I think anyone could watch the show and feel they are somehow represented.  And I'll be honest, if I lived in TO I would want to have a drink with a few of the guys and have similar conversations.

I encourage anyone who hasn't heard of the show to watch at least one episode.  Here is the most recent online.

So I met a boy

So I've been single long enough that I've resorted to using technology to survey the guys in the area, in hopes of meeting someone of interest.  Now I say resorted, but I am not in the least bit desperate to meet someone.  I'm just finding it hard to meet people outside my current circles unless I'm drunk at a bar and I don't want someone to think I'm coming onto them in a sleezy way.

Anyway, I used an app on my phone and chat to guys here and there.  I figure it's a fairly safe forum.  Sure someone can steal my face pic, but when a creepy guy asks me my "position" I can easily end the conversation and if I choose block them.  

On Tuesday of this week I was staying late at work (until 11pm actually... I'm stubborn but that's another story) and I noticed a guy online that I've never seen locally before.  Handsome guy around 28 years old.  It was later in the evening, and again, being concerned about the perception they may have of me messaging that late at night I decided against saying hi.

Then Wednesday on my lunch break I was online and he was there again.  I debating saying hello but questioned what I would follow it up with, knowing nothing about the person.  I've got no game apparently.  Anyway, I didn't need to, it wasn't too long before he started chatting me up.  Initially with the... hey, how are you... what's up... where do you work.  Small, innocent chit chat.  Then he said... I've got to say you're probably one of the best looking guys on here.  I was kinda floored and surely had a big goofy grin across my face.  I thanked him and told him I thought he was handsome also.  And he said... I'm not usually this forward but would you like to hang out some evening this week.  

I debated, maybe 5 seconds, that perhaps he was only looking for sex, but my curiosity won over and I accepted and told him I had some plans but I would be free around 930 or 10pm.  Surprisingly that worked out well with his evening.  We agreed around 10 pm.

When the time came and I was ready to leave he asked where we should meet.  He was staying at a hotel downtown so I suggested meeting in Parade Square, since I wasn't comfortable with the hotel setting.  He agreed and off I drove.  I soon found myself standing in the centre of the square wondering if he'd really look like the person in the picture.  I was pleasantly surprised.  He was maybe a little shorter than I expected but handsome with a kind smile.

We decided to go to the Economy Shoe Shop for a drink and a bite to eat, since he hadn't had supper.  We found a spot on the patio, ordered a couple of Strongbows and artichoke dip.  And conversation flowed naturally.  We discussed career, family, travel and even past relationships.  It was absolutely relaxed and comfortable.  I found myself very conscious of my body cues of interest.  My body had naturally aligned to be directed towards him and I was sitting closer than I had started out.  And I'm pretty certain he was enjoying the night as much as I was.

Upon completing our second drink he suggest we take off.  He asked if I wanted to stop in to his room for a minute before heading home.  I did, unsure of his intentions and to be honest unsure if I had any of my own.  

Soon we were just casually laying on the bed next to each other watching CNN and talking.  It all felt remarkably comfortable.  And after a while he kissed me.  It was very sweet actually; not obscene in any way.  And other than some snuggling and him pretty much falling asleep against my chest, nothing happened.  

I got up to leave and on my way out gave him my phone number and told him I hoped he would use it the next day, because I'd like to see him again.  And he said he certainly would.  I walked down the hall wondering what just happened.  Cause I'm never one to be direct enough to let someone know my feelings from the start.

The next morning I got a great text and a facebook friend request.  Although we didn't get to see each other again, because he had an exam and interviews, before heading home to another province, he agreed that he would definitely see me again and was returning to Halifax in early June.

It's strange but I feel like there's something about this guy.  It could totally be that I'm ready for a relationship... but I believe it's more.  He's someone who is unlike any other gay guy I've met so far and I'm really hoping I get to see him again soon.

Up to you universe... work your magic!

Open Relationship

The longer I'm part of the open gay community I learn that it's very common for gay couples to have an open relationship.  There are varying degrees of openness... from completely open, to vacation open to third party open.  Now those aren't official titles to the types of relationships gay men can share, but more my own spin on things.

Completely open is where both men in the relationship allow each partner to have sexual encounters with whomever they choose.  Vacation open is where a couple (at least claims) to be monogamous except when on vacation out of their home town.  When on vacation the will either seek sexual rendezvous separately or together with complete strangers in a new pool of gay men.  And third party open is when a couple will welcome a third into their bedroom on a regular basis, but won't fool around with anyone else without the partner being present.  They don't consider any of these experiences as cheating.

The fact that it's so common worries me.  I'm not sure that I can be in a committed relationship when a third party would be involved to any degree.  I know my therapist told me that I need to accept the distinction between love and sex... and in the big picture I can easily do that.  I know that we don't love everyone we have sex with, but when I'm in a relationship I don't know that I could watch someone I love being so into someone else.  Surely, somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind a part of me will become jealous.  Jealous that I cannot provide whatever is lacking in my relationship or sex-life that is being fulfilled by this third person.

Maybe I'm completely wrong.  Maybe these men who partake in such relationships are light-years ahead socially and are able to compartmentalize experiences and just enjoy the excitement of the moment.  And this could be the secret to their success in maintaining a relationship in the long term... because it really is just sex.

I clearly have a lot to learn... but I've got lots of time to dig into my thoughts on it since I haven't even been on a date in ... I don't even remember how long.  But that is by choice... I've gotten a few offers.

I'd do just about anything right now...

It's true... I'd do just about anything right now to have someone to snuggle into bed with right now.  It's cold and I'm lonely.  If there was someone laying in bed right now I'd be asleep in seconds.

I'd do just about anything right now...

It's true... I'd do just about anything right now to have someone to snuggle into bed with right now.  It's cold and I'm lonely.  If there was someone laying in bed right now I'd be asleep in seconds.

Facebook crush is now a facebook friend

So I accepted the dares and sent a facebook friend request.  I waited until after Mother's day because I had a family vacation pic, from Mexico, and I didn't want him to flat out think I was straight.  Bahahaha... probably one of the first times in life I wanted someone's first impression of me to be a gay man.

So I posted this iPhone self-portrait...

 cause it's just an everyday pic of me really.

And within probably 12 hours I had a new friend.  To say that I instantly got a huge smile on my face was an understatement.  Not because I'm delusional and think that there's any sort of mutual attraction, but because the dare and subsequent risk paid off.

I emailed Jody and she gave me a few words of inspiration "You never know what might happen if you don't take a chance. We often don't regret the things we do, it's the things we don't that leave us wondering 'what if'"

And so I took a bit of time to draft an email that explained the reason he got my request... but without (hopefully) sounding psycho.  I left out the crush part.  And kind of asked him to look me up next time he's in town, in a passive way.

He replied almost instantly, thanking me for the explanation and telling me to let him know if I ever make it to Montreal.  And strangely, or maybe a little fate could be intervening, a couple of days ago my cousin asked me to drive with him to TO when he moves at the end of the month and we planned on staying in Montreal one night to live it up.  Now I guess I might get to at least have a coffee if he's not tied up.

Better book a camp site

In probably February or March William mentioned that he wanted to go camping.  It's something we had done at the end of the summer 2009 with my sister and some friends.  And we were even lucky enough to have my Mom and an Aunt swing by for an evening to enjoy supper and the camp fire.  

And being the Dad that I am, I decide sure, why not camp on a weekend my son wants to?  It may be winter but sometimes by just making a few adjustments you can make some great memories and that's exactly what I did.

While William was watching tv I went downstairs and grabbed the four man tent and a couple sleeping bags.  It was a VERY tight squeeze but I managed to set up a camp site in the living room and we made believe we were outdoors.  Even adjusting my nightly ritual to adjust a saying to suit our wilderness surroundings.  "Nighty night... don't let the black bear bite."  

William thought it was great and it really took no effort at all... and I have no doubt when he's a Dad some day he'll think back on that memory and realize that it's the little things that can have the biggest impact.

There was one residual part of that camping trip that has yet to go away and that's the sleeping bag.  William has slept in it every night he's stayed here since.  Sure he may, on occasion, slip off his bed onto the floor thru the night (which is very worrisome to me), but he's happy and he's still using him imagination to pretend he's camping.

This summer we'll have to make sure we get at least one weekend in...

What am I? A 15 year old girl?

It's that time of the year when animal instincts take over and people start hooking up like they're the only one in the world responsible for the survival of the species.  Around these parts two couples have broken up recently and from accounts of last Saturday night there was a lot of hook up activity going on in Halifax.  

Me on the other hand?  I'm like that 15 year old insecure girl.  I spent my weekend with a sick little boy at home watching reality television and checking out homes on MLS, trying to keep my financial goals in check.  Oh right, the 15 year old girl part... I've become the expert at having facebook crushes.  And my favorite are those guys who leave albums open so I can get multiple looks at friends of friends... or even just friends in one case.  

Anyway, today, while checking out the guest list of an upcoming gathering (that one of the recently broken up gents is throwing Friday night) I noticed one person has declined the event.  Since he was cute I decided to check out his profile.  Turns out that I quasi know this guy.  Well in reality I don't know him at all, but we have multiple friends in common, and he attended a rival high school.  And oddly enough, a couple of summers ago, while partying in Montreal with a cousin and some friends I saw him at a gay bar.  We had one of those awkward moments where you lock eyes and realize you recognize each other but not sure where.  And being that 15 year old girl, I'd never be brave enough to have said hello.

And in order to emphasize my immaturity, I emailed a common friend, who lives in London, England to confirm he went to that rival high school and she actually encouraged me to contact him... which I would never do.  Instead I'll just check out his profile pics a few more times over the next week and try and move on.  Hahahahaha.

That being said, if your name is Andrew and you some how found this blog, please contact me... I'm all over having a conversation.  

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

I had an interaction recently with a friend that seemed very awkward.  Initially I wasn't quite sure why things felt that way.  The conversation wasn't forced and followed a logical path, however the body language was off enough for me to pick up on it.  I tried to blow it off on the fact we haven't hung out in a while.

That all changed when I rounded a corner and saw a formal friend.  It became obvious to me that the awkward interaction was due to him hoping I would not realize his true reason for being in the place at the time.  A place no where near where he lives.

Two things crossed my mind, did he have the odd body language because he was hoping to control the situation so this other person wouldn't see our friendly interaction?  Or was he almost caught visiting this formal friend inappropriately?

The friend I spoke with has a boyfriend and they've been together for some time.  I'm not implying that he'd cheat but I do know they, at least, on occasion invite a third person into their bedroom.  I don't judge that choice but I also don't endorse it.  I'm clearly not one to judge because I'm not in their relationship and I'm not successful at romantic relationships to date.

The former friend, however, is a known cheater.  He seems like a catch from the outside but I know parts of his past that have a shady track-record.  It's ultimately the reason I had to end the friendship because the over-spilling drama was starting to be too much for me to handle when I was being questioned on past conversations I supposedly shared.

This former friend has a relatively new boyfriend, so I find it hard to believe he'd cheat on him, but this questionable private interactions make me wonder if one can ever really live outside a triangle once they are involved in them repeatedly.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?? 

The many faces of one child

Sometimes I can look at my son and see myself as a 6 year old child... other times he looks like a cousin from his Mom's side of the family.  This pic I see a lot of my sister... it's funny how someone can look like so many different people and yet be totally his own person. 

William on his own

Last Thursday there was an assembly held at William's school.  Those parents of children in the school who had been a Star of the Week in the last month were invited to attend, so I took an extended lunch hour and went to participate.

Upon reaching the school I noticed the children were still outside playing, during their lunch hour.  I immediately noticed William sitting on a park bench with a couple of other boys.  I was tempted to immediately go over and say hello, but instead took the opportunity to see William interact as an individual.  I watched him play with his friends, and even pick up garbage and dispose of it (hopefully that's a sign that we are raising an environmentally responsible boy).

I went inside the school, signed in as a visitor and went to his classroom to wait for the bell to ring.  When he came in he noticed me right away, so I explained why I was there (since he had not been with me that morning) and then made my way to the gym while the kids were ushered into class preparing for the assembly.

I sat on the side bench with the other adults and watched the kids come in.  Again I was taken back by the individual William is.  I know it might sound like I never pay attention to him when he's with me, but what I mean is that I felt like I had a sneak peak at who William is as a fully independent person.  School is his world.  The friends and interactions he has there are all his own; we don't have active influence on his relationships.  I was proud to see him confident and more outgoing than I've seen him at other times in his life. It was a very proud moment for me.

Also, that day I noticed him and a couple guys on the bench I wondered if perhaps they were there when the got in trouble.  On Friday when I picked him up after work I asked him if the bench was used as a time out if someone was in trouble and he said they were.  I then asked if that's why he and the other boys were sitting there and his face went blank.  BUSTED!  I told him he wasn't in trouble but I was just curious and he wouldn't talk.  I'm hoping that he will always be as obvious when he tells lies or caught at something, but we all know that will not be a long-lasting reality.

Found: One early-thirties guy with his shit together

It's been almost three years since I came out and my life crumbled before my eyes.  And on March 11th my divorce became final.  That chapter of my life is officially over according to a few pieces of paper and thousands of dollars.

I feared the day it all became final because I thought it would throw me for a tail-spin, even though I knew the day was coming.  But when my ex-wife mentioned to me that it was finalized I was saddened but there was also a sense of having been desensitized to the reality because we've been living apart for so long.  

The road has been a long one to get to today but one thing I gained from all of this pain and loneliness is that I have truly found myself.  This period of time, being a single adult man has given  me a true sense of self and clarity that I don't think I have ever had.

I was known to most people as part of a couple for half my life.  I was the type of guy who fit into a mold and followed the logical path in life and never wanted to inconvenience anyone else.  Then one day I wasn't someone who followed the life path that so many take.  I struggled with my own identity and had to fight for the rights to even see my son on regular schedule.

And in walking this new path, I had to develop my own new community.  I had to find new friends and develop a support system.  And I had to be okay with sleeping alone, in an empty house and eat meals by myself.  The silence was deafening and I'm sure I showed signs of depression.

I was lucky to find a few key people who have given me tools to be okay.  One of those people was a guy named Jake who introduced me to hot yoga.  Hot yoga has become a way for me to escape the outside world and focus simply on breath and heartbeat and I leave the studio feeling renewed and with a sense of peace.  I know it sounds clichéd but it's true.  

Time has also been a vehicle that has helped me gain some clarity.  I know I'm a good person.  I know I have a lot to offer anyone I have a relationship with.  And I'm completely capable of being a single man.  I've always been a man who cooked and cleaned, but I can now say that I'm a man who has created a comfortable home for my son.  And this passing of time has allowed me to transition from fearing my days/weekends without William to someone who made the most of that time by catching up on chores that may have slipped, catching up with friends, or spending a Friday night being lazy on the couch because the 5:45 wake up times had caught up to me.  It's okay to be alone; I'm independent and perhaps that is a trait that my son will notice and incorporate into his own development.  

Three years ago I don't think I would predict that I would be where I am right now.  I think I would have predicted that I'd still be struggling to find a new equilibrium, but I'm happy to say I survived and came out the other side knowing myself better than I ever have.  I have a strength inside me that I underestimated and although I don't want to be single forever, I know it's okay.  And I've set certain standards for myself in hopes of never losing myself again.

Sure I still have some work to do but I know I will be okay.

I can handle it

Well I've survived the first week at my new job and I love it.  I'm working in tower 1 of Purdy's Wharf, which are landmark buildings on the waterfront of Halifax.  Just walking thru the pedways on the way to the office makes me excited to work there.  I love walking amongst the business suits heading to work with their coffee in hand.  It's strange but I feel like this is what I expected to experience after graduating with my commerce degree.  I thought I would be around people with high-power careers not working in an industrial park like my last stint.  And not that I have any issue with working in an office out of the downtown core, but the feeling I have just walking to work is one I expected after forking out tens of thousands of dollars to Dalhousie University.

The office itself has about 70 employees and I've met most of the staff, other than the majority of the lawyers. The staff are all very friendly and seemed to look forward to working with me.  The position I hold is Financial Analyst and it's a newly created position.  That means a couple of things: initially the duties I have are not completely settled and more importantly it gives me a great opportunity to develop the position and responsibilities into a career I will love to excel at.  And just thru speaking with the women currently working in the accounting department I feel like there is a lot of opportunities for me to improve functionality and efficiency within the office.  My major hurdle, I believe will be gaining their acceptance in changing things they have done for years; but I've turned on the charm and hope my shining (you can laugh) personality will help gain their respect enough to be accepting of my suggestions.

I'm also very much looking forward to digging into this position because I'm surrounded by people who are eager to excel in their careers and that feeling is contagious.  I haven't felt the excitement of climbing the corporate ladder since I started working at GMAC while in uni.  It truly is a new beginning to my career and exactly what I needed in my life.  

I know my feelings for the position are not going to stay this way forever; that the dust will settle and some Mondays I will have to drag myself from bed to get to work.  But for now I'm going to live in the moment of excitement because it's giving my life a positive direction I desperately needed.

Who will end up together?

Since I've come out I've made quite a few gay friends and over the last few months I have distanced myself quite a bit from socializing as frequently as I was.  And while I've had more time away from the group, I have watched the dynamics of relationships change within the circle and many times it's been hard for me to bite my tongue.  I like everyone to be treated with respect and when that doesn't happen, and no one else is willing to call someone out it is especially annoying to me.  But I've tried to mind my business.

At times I look at friends and wonder whether or not I could date them, or ultimately end up in a long term relationship with any of them.  I think it's probably a natural thing to do... and if not I like to think it's cause I'm lonely and not cause I'm creepy.  Ha!

Anyway I've come to identify a couple of friends I think would ultimately make a great couple, but one is dating someone else.  We'll see if perhaps maybe the two guys who will be sharing a room in Cuba this year, will end up as a couple a few years down the road.

And then there are two couples that have very happy and healthy relationships, at least from the outside.  These men give me hope that it's possible to find someone who can complete me and that I don't have to settle.  But again, I wonder whether or not those two couples will stand the test of time.  Or will life change them and distance may make them seek other paths?

Part of me wishes I could fast forward and find out.  And I'll be honest with myself and say that part of that wonder comes from the fact that I may have an interest in one member of each group... only a harmless crush that I would never act on, but perhaps I'm just allowing myself to hold out hope by wondering what the future holds.

Ah... the life of a single man with date-able friends.