Am I really moving 4ward?

It’s been the better part of two years since my wife and I separated. Almost two years. In some ways that time has passed very quickly and in other ways the time has ticked by more slowly than imaginable.

There hasn’t been a day that has passed in those twenty months where I didn’t ask myself what-if. And usually when the what-if hits me, in my head I think out the scenario of what would happen if we got back together.

And most nights while sleeping, just before I close my eyes, or sometimes when I wake up at 4am I think, how did my life get here? How did my life that followed the path I had wanted take such a turn? How did I go from having almost everything to having almost nothing?

I don’t want to sound down, although today I definitely feel like if I don’t kick myself in the ass then I could easily slip into depression. It’s just that I think I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head. I haven’t seen my therapist in a year and I don’t want to have to call him up and ask for an appointment after all this time. So I’m going to put this in a public forum and imagine that my therapist is sitting across from me taking notes and listening.

There has been a lot of hurt caused by both sides, but over the last four months or so, I feel like I need to explain certain things to my wife. Give her some insight into my thinking process throughout the last couple of years. Maybe it will eventually be used against me, maybe it will bring her some peace, maybe it will bring us to a better working relationship as parents, but I feel like there are things that need to be said. Because after all she was my best friend and I have hurt her and if I can somehow now help her heal a bit then any risk is worth it.

I know part of me lives in a fantasy world that we can be friends again. She has let hurt and anger enter her body so deeply that she forgets who I really am sometimes. But maybe sometimes she does recognize me until some of her family stoke the fire until it’s blazing again and she pushes those feelings away. And I know part of that anger is her protecting herself; but then there are the days where we email back and forth or she shows that she cares and it gives me hope that there’s a chance for friendship.

I hate that two years ago our lives were turned upside down and we can’t go back. I hate that I lost my best friend, possibly (and likely) forever. I hate that everyday I wake up and don’t really recognize my life.

2010 started and I was surrounded by friends, most of which I had met in 2009, but I felt very alone. I made a decision in those first few hours that I was going to rebuild myself and part of that process is me dealing with the residual pain and confusion. And although I don’t want this blog to be all about my therapy, there will be entries periodically where I need to talk about the process. I hope anyone reading doesn’t mind.