Monday, October 5, 2009

Christmas is only around the corner

So maybe I'm a little crazy to think this could work, but I have had Christmas on my mind for weeks now.  Trying to figure out how to make things work out for everyone in my family... and most importantly William.

I think about last Christmas and how horrible it felt.  It was six months into my seperation and everyone was feeling a bit down.  Since we had already dealt with custody in court, we already had a plan in place where William would be shuffled (and I say shuffled because really he probably wasn't the happiest about being moved around at Christmas) between homes.  I had him Christmas Eve until supper time.  Then I got him back at noonish on Christmas Day until noonish on Boxing Day.  That schedule will flip every year until we feel it necessary to change things.

I woke up that morning in my old bedroom at my Mom's place and couldn't contain my feelings.  I was completely depressed and wouldn't leave my room to open gifts with my Mom or Grandmother, or even eat breakfast for that matter.  And once William did arrive he didn't want to open gifts again.  It was hard.  I did my best to hold it together.

I know we all put so many expectations on what Christmas should feel like.  How it should be picture perfect and years from now you should look back and marvel at how great Christmas was.  I am one of the offenders that I want things to be perfect.  I want that for William more than myself.  I want him to feel family all around him and that he had everything he wanted and not moved from one part of his family to another, based on an hour on a clock.

So, I am really putting myself out there and going to take the chance to discuss with William's mother, whether she would be open to the idea of sharing Christmas with us.  To forget the court agreed schedule and blur the lines between seperated parents and give William at least one more Chirstmas with his Mom and Dad, in one house.

I did some research on kijiji and found a loft that is within the HRM that is available for rent.  It is in Eastern Passage and has a beautiful view of the water.  It's not a loft above someone's garage and not in someone's back yard, so it might work.  In my inquirying I found out it's a minimum two night rental.  At first, I thought about the additional cost, but then I thought about the fact that it might be for the best.  I am thinking I will rent it on December 23 and vacate December 25th.  This will allow us time on December 23rd to get a tree of some sort and a few decorations in the place.  And bring presents and a few groceries into the place, so that on the 24th when we are there it's all in place and we can just enjoy Christmas.

William's Mom and I are in a more stable place right now.  Things tended to get heated mainly when legal issues were being dealt with.  I know that Christmas is a huge marker and will be emotional just like last year, but I have to think that the parents feeling and dealing with emotions will be more beneficial to everyone than for us to spend the time shuffling our son around.

He's four and Christmas only comes once a year.  We have to see each other and feel those feelings anyway, so wouldn't it be better for us both to see him wake up and be excited to see what Santa Claus brought.  For him to open his presents with both parents and play with his toys while breakfast is being made?

I know a big part of all of this is selfish.  And I know it's probably me holding onto the dream of a perfect Christmas a little too tightly, but he's only a child for so long.  The magic is only there for so many years... neither of us should miss out.

William has strong parents and I know I can hold it together for his sake, and my own.  I just hoping it's not too soon.

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